First Holidays After New Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your plans are reasonable and your MIL can have a different opinion. But I would be real quick to let her know if your plans don’t work for her, then that’s a shame. Do not change your plans for her. She can come at Thanksgiving or she can skip it. She cannot come at Christmas.

2 kids is really hard. Especially if you think PPD might be in the cards. If she’s not respecting your requests this far out, she’s unlikely to do so in person if you change your mind. I wouldn’t budge.

Also, friendly reminder that OP offered up Easter for the ILs as well. That should be enough to seal the deal. What is the absolute obsession ppl have with Christmas?

I like Easter but I think there are a lot of people who don't think the two are "equal". My MIL was raised Jewish, married a Catholic and celebrated Christmas and Easter with her kids. But not having a strong religious tie, she will sometimes come to Easter and sometimes not. It's not a big deal to her if she misses it but would never miss Christmas with my kids.

I get this. Both sides of my family think of Thanksgiving and Easter as lesser holidays and nbd. Christmas is like the superbowl of grandchildren and they fight for it. Both sides asked if the other side could always get Thanksgiving and they get Christmas. I can't stand going to multiple Christmases and wish everyone could just celebrate together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don't think this is a problem at all. My inlaws want us to travel to them for Christmas and I'd do anything for them to come to us instead. My parents travel to us. Hosting seems like nbd, even with a newborn since you won't be working and will have more time than ever (I have a baby).

Pick what you want to do and then just don't listen any more to your inlaws.

Lol I have a toddler and an infant and I do NOT have more time than ever. Good for you, I guess. My in-laws were just in town and their visit took a lot out of us. They want to be entertained and sit on the porch having drinks and quality time with us. Meanwhile, the baby is crying and the toddler is wreaking havoc because he wants to go to the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your plans are reasonable and your MIL can have a different opinion. But I would be real quick to let her know if your plans don’t work for her, then that’s a shame. Do not change your plans for her. She can come at Thanksgiving or she can skip it. She cannot come at Christmas.

2 kids is really hard. Especially if you think PPD might be in the cards. If she’s not respecting your requests this far out, she’s unlikely to do so in person if you change your mind. I wouldn’t budge.

Also, friendly reminder that OP offered up Easter for the ILs as well. That should be enough to seal the deal. What is the absolute obsession ppl have with Christmas?

I like Easter but I think there are a lot of people who don't think the two are "equal". My MIL was raised Jewish, married a Catholic and celebrated Christmas and Easter with her kids. But not having a strong religious tie, she will sometimes come to Easter and sometimes not. It's not a big deal to her if she misses it but would never miss Christmas with my kids.

I get this. Both sides of my family think of Thanksgiving and Easter as lesser holidays and nbd. Christmas is like the superbowl of grandchildren and they fight for it. Both sides asked if the other side could always get Thanksgiving and they get Christmas. I can't stand going to multiple Christmases and wish everyone could just celebrate together.

Yeah, in my family no one really cares about thanksgiving or Easter but Christmas is a big deal. Our solution: we stay home and if in laws or parents want to come to us, they are welcome to but we don’t travel on Christmas. We want our kids to get to have Christmas at home. Guess what? Since we had our first kid 8 years ago, my parents have come to our house for Christmas once and my in laws have come 2x. Turns out they don’t like traveling on Christmas either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just looking for input. Our second is due in early October, meaning my leave will largely fall over the holidays. (We celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.) In one sense, this is wonderful! In another, it means my leave could be stuffed with family/hosting. Both my DH and I are looking for ways to keep things as stress-free as possible as we get into the swing of things with our new family of four. DH is self-employed so will take a few weeks but then will need to get back to it.

Holidays have always been a little fraught because we live quite close to my parents and my in-laws live across the country. My in-laws typically seem quite content to live their own lives and not be too involved with ours, but have a lot of expectation that holidays—scratch that, Christmas—will be spent together. (I once asked if they’d like us to always set aside Easter, for example, to be with “just” them and my MIL told me that was too inconvenient for them.)

Thanksgiving is a big one for my side of the family. My parents host and it’s a big party with a ton of family and close family friends and, honestly, is much more relaxing without all the emotional pressure and expectation of Christmas. I am also not the primary host, the way I have been for Christmas when my in-laws visit. Christmas this year also may be a bit more emotional than usual, with our eldest adjusting to her new sibling.

As a result, this year we’ve asked my in-laws to come up for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas—it gives us the opportunity to see a bunch of family all together but then enjoy a very quiet Christmas with my parents coming over for dinner as usual. I do understand my in-laws resent that last part, but we will be sure to get downtime with them 1:1 during Thanksgiving. I’ll also admit that my MIL can be difficult for me (as well as DH) to be around and has made judgmental comments about how we raise our children so, especially with the stress of a new baby, I think having some other folks around to entertain her and chat with her will help everyone’s stress levels.

This request is not going over well. My DH and I are on the same page, but he is taking the brunt of his mom’s frustration and I feel for him.

Any words of wisdom?

I think you and your DH are smart to tell your in laws your holiday plan now so they have time to get used to the idea. You can’t control whether they get upset about it or not. Some people just can’t be reasonable about stuff like this. But you’re making the right call. You do not need to add more stress to yourself, especially w a toddler and newborn and it being a time of year that’s supposed to be fun. You only get so many holidays w young kids. You should get to spend it the way you prefer, that’s actually enjoyable for you and your DH and kids.

[Anonymous]

Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

Yeah I don’t even have boys but if I did woof karma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

How sad to leave elderly parents alone on Christmas…when everyone else is getting together. It’s not hard to host two people at the family celebration. They can stay at a hotel.

Post back in 30 years when you are the in-laws.

Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

How sad to leave elderly parents alone on Christmas…when everyone else is getting together. It’s not hard to host two people at the family celebration. They can stay at a hotel.

Post back in 30 years when you are the in-laws.

Geez.

…The in-laws are invited to the holiday with the actual celebration.

And if anyone has ever had a bad relationship with their parents or in-laws, especially who are obnoxious in the way described, it can indeed be pretty hard to host two people.

People have a right not to be miserable on holidays.

[Anonymous]

I think what you’re doing is fine, but I can see how your in laws would feel a bit put off that you’re inviting them to your parents house with your family for thanksgiving and then want Christmas alone with your parents. What do your in laws usually do for thanksgiving?

I don’t think you’re wrong here, just wouldn’t be bad to consider how they may feel. My parents and in laws don’t seem to care about attending any of my son’s life, so I just think it’s nice that there are people who want to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

How sad to leave elderly parents alone on Christmas…when everyone else is getting together. It’s not hard to host two people at the family celebration. They can stay at a hotel.

Post back in 30 years when you are the in-laws.

Geez.

…The in-laws are invited to the holiday with the actual celebration.

And if anyone has ever had a bad relationship with their parents or in-laws, especially who are obnoxious in the way described, it can indeed be pretty hard to host two people.

People have a right not to be miserable on holidays.

That’s fine but OP should just admit that she doesn’t like her ILs and would rather spend time with her parents. It’s not just about having a new baby, she clearly prioritizes her parents over her husbands parents. Which is fine, but own up to it.

Maybe they really are going to make OP miserable but as an outsider, I definitely feel like the optics are that OP is showing favoritism towards her parents and I can see how MIL would be offended. But it sounds like OP wants validation and not alternatives so do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

How sad to leave elderly parents alone on Christmas…when everyone else is getting together. It’s not hard to host two people at the family celebration. They can stay at a hotel.

Post back in 30 years when you are the in-laws.

Geez.

…The in-laws are invited to the holiday with the actual celebration.

And if anyone has ever had a bad relationship with their parents or in-laws, especially who are obnoxious in the way described, it can indeed be pretty hard to host two people.

People have a right not to be miserable on holidays.

That’s fine but OP should just admit that she doesn’t like her ILs and would rather spend time with her parents. It’s not just about having a new baby, she clearly prioritizes her parents over her husbands parents. Which is fine, but own up to it.

Maybe they really are going to make OP miserable but as an outsider, I definitely feel like the optics are that OP is showing favoritism towards her parents and I can see how MIL would be offended. But it sounds like OP wants validation and not alternatives so do what you want.

MIL is a pain in the neck to deal with - OP's husband thinks as such. And he is on the same page with what has been communicated. Why are you pinning this all on OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

How sad to leave elderly parents alone on Christmas…when everyone else is getting together. It’s not hard to host two people at the family celebration. They can stay at a hotel.

Post back in 30 years when you are the in-laws.

Geez.

…The in-laws are invited to the holiday with the actual celebration.

And if anyone has ever had a bad relationship with their parents or in-laws, especially who are obnoxious in the way described, it can indeed be pretty hard to host two people.

People have a right not to be miserable on holidays.

That’s fine but OP should just admit that she doesn’t like her ILs and would rather spend time with her parents. It’s not just about having a new baby, she clearly prioritizes her parents over her husbands parents. Which is fine, but own up to it.

Maybe they really are going to make OP miserable but as an outsider, I definitely feel like the optics are that OP is showing favoritism towards her parents and I can see how MIL would be offended. But it sounds like OP wants validation and not alternatives so do what you want.

MIL is a pain in the neck to deal with - OP's husband thinks as such. And he is on the same page with what has been communicated. Why are you pinning this all on OP?

Ok fine. They BOTH should admit that the real issue is that they don’t like his parents as much as hers and stop the charade.

[Anonymous]

Having people staying in your house is different than people popping in for a couple hours

My MIL came once to visit us at Christmas. We have traveled there (halfway across the country requiring plane tickets) every other Christmas (save the one after our second was born-my husband went with our older child). I hate it and dread it every year. But I do it so my husband doesn’t divorce me. I don’t dislike my MIL, but traveling at Christmas like that sucks, and once we get there, we are basically stuck in the house with 8 people (my BIL lives there with his 2 kids) and 7 of us sharing 1 bathroom since the other one is in MIL’s room.

I wish we could do a quiet Christmas at home. Seriously-that is the dream. Just open gifts and then just hang out all day. Ours involves opening gifts in one state, hustling to the airport, flying 3-ish hours, and getting to another state by evening to do gifts there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday you will be the MIL. Remember that.

Just include your in-laws. It’s not a big deal to have two extra people.

I dunno. I hope when my children are grown, I’ve either worked to have a good relationship with them and their spouses or at least understand that they will prioritize their own needs from time to time.

No one is being blocked from seeing the baby in this situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea to normalize new parents being miserable.

Marriage means there are two families and you do not play favorites. I had a family member who drove my DH bonkers with her constant talking but we only saw her a couple of times a year. He was always welcoming to her.
I would have been furious if he had ever suggested that I not invite her to a holiday gathering.

It does not bode well for a marriage if you are rude and unwelcoming to your spouses relatives.