Before I put my mom in her place, does this sound fair?

[Anonymous]

Pretty much every year Mother’s Day goes like this for my brother: He invites our mom out to brunch/lunch on Saturday. I’m usually invited with them, rarely we bring our kids and spouses. It’s always a nice afternoon centered around mom and her children. We usually wander to a park after we eat to walk around, sometimes grabbing dessert.

On Sunday in the past he’s watched the kids while his wife visits her mom for brunch. But in the past two years he’s been tagging along because they’ve made it a larger family reunion-type gathering now that there are more grandkids.

(FWIW, I’d say 50/50 on Sunday I will also visit my mom, but it depends on how my week ahead looks. I did visit with her briefly this year.)

My mom can’t get over the fact that my brother spends MD with SIL’s mom and not her. She cries fat tears and will complain about it for weeks. I’m so sick of hearing about it. He has a wife with kids and that’s his main priority, and it should be! I want to speak up on my brother’s behalf and put her in her place, but first I need to know if the way we treat MD sounds fair. What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mom's feelings are hurt. Maybe have some empathy?

[Anonymous]

Fair to me.

Yet another reason I hate MD.

[Anonymous]

It sounds fine. Your mom gets Saturday. But why doesn’t he bring his family with them on Saturday? Also, do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom's feelings are hurt. Maybe have some empathy?

Why would her feelings be hurt? It sounds like she was celebrated in a lovely way with a nice afternoon devoted entirely to her, alone with her children. If she’s upset, that’s on her.

[Anonymous]

OP: Your post makes you appear to be insensitive and uncaring. Truthfully, I prefer to avoid people like you. And now you want to "put [your] mom in her place". Very sad, although I do wonder if this is a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fair to me.

Yet another reason I hate MD.

Right! I’m sure this same woman would have complained if she had to spend her “active” Mother’s Days at her MIL’s place instead of doing what SHE wanted to do.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it

I am already in it! She’s been complaining to me since Sunday evening!

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom to leave you out of it. She shouldn’t be complaining about brother to you.

Other than that, I’d stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom's feelings are hurt. Maybe have some empathy?

The family has moved into a new generation, where is her empathy for that?

She sounds narcissistic. (Not saying she is, but this behavior is).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom to leave you out of it. She shouldn’t be complaining about brother to you.

Other than that, I’d stay out of it.

+1
Triangulation is another narcissistic trait. Stay out of it and tell her you don't want to hear about it. When she cries you don't care (and if she's like my mom, she will), tell her you care to plan things with her but she makes it difficult when she wants to spend the time complaining about your brother, whom you have no control over. Then tell her you have other things to do than bad mouth your brother and SIL. Eventually she'll stop.

My mom still occasionally says my SIL "controls" my brother, but I always say "oh, sorry, I've got to run" whenever that comes up.

[Anonymous]

Don't know why you're receiving criticism, OP. Your mother is out of line. Putting myself in her place, if and when my teens marry and celebrate their MILs on Mother's Day... that would absolutely NOT be a problem for me! The date on the calendar is immaterial. I'd be *very* happy to live so near to my children that they can actually celebrate with me in person, on any day. My mother is in Europe - I Facetime with her on Mother's Day. Growing up, my grandmothers were not in same country either (we're a scattered multinational family), so I've never experienced my mother visiting her mother, or my father visiting his, on Mother's Day.

I hope this perspective helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much every year Mother’s Day goes like this for my brother: He invites our mom out to brunch/lunch on Saturday. I’m usually invited with them, rarely we bring our kids and spouses. It’s always a nice afternoon centered around mom and her children. We usually wander to a park after we eat to walk around, sometimes grabbing dessert.

On Sunday in the past he’s watched the kids while his wife visits her mom for brunch. But in the past two years he’s been tagging along because they’ve made it a larger family reunion-type gathering now that there are more grandkids.

(FWIW, I’d say 50/50 on Sunday I will also visit my mom, but it depends on how my week ahead looks. I did visit with her briefly this year.)

My mom can’t get over the fact that my brother spends MD with SIL’s mom and not her. She cries fat tears and will complain about it for weeks. I’m so sick of hearing about it. He has a wife with kids and that’s his main priority, and it should be! I want to speak up on my brother’s behalf and put her in her place, but first I need to know if the way we treat MD sounds fair. What do you think?

Here's the issue. Why is how "we" treat MD?
You and your brother are adults and you can each choose how you want to spend mother's day.

If you're sick of hearing your mom complain about your brother, tell her. "That's none of my business, please talk to Bob directly. Leave me out of it".

Although I would guess she is complaining about you to your brother or someone else. By complaining about your brother, isn't she sending you the same message?

If you don't want to tell her to shut up (in a nice way of course) then just don't reply at all when she complains. Say nothing. Don't acknowledge her complaints. Just ignore. Eventually she will stop.

[Anonymous]

Don't put yourself into their relationship. He can tell her whatever he wants. If she starts complaining to you about your brother, just tell her to talk to him directly.