DD’s best friend is holding her back

[Anonymous]

My DD is in 5th grade and has had the same best friend since kindergarten. Toward the end of 3rd grade there were lots of shifts in friendships and groups/cliques started forming. My DD has always been pretty social and gets along with everyone, and has lots of friends as a result, but none as good as her best friend. Their personalities are completely opposite, but somehow that works for them.

Starting in 4th grade DD’s friend started pulling away from the rest of the girls in their grade and decided she only wants to be friends with my DD. She is very intense and possessive of their friendship, and at times manipulative. The BFF does not get together with any of the other kids in their grade (her mom tells me this) and doesn’t seem to have any friends outside of DD, and she always wants to hang out with my DD every single day and anytime they are together at school or another activity (they aren’t in the same class thankfully). My DD has made friends with some of the other kids in her class this year and I have pushed her to expand, but it feels like her BFF is making that as hard for her as possible, and beyond that, I feel like she also holds my DD back in many ways.

For example, their school does a talent show at the end of every year, and my DD was really excited to do it but then her BFF talked her out of it because she didn’t want to. My DD was even invited to do a dance with some other girls but her friend talked her out of it so they could sit together and just watch everyone. BFF guilted her into it because she didn’t want to have to sit alone and my DD said she felt bad so she would sit it out even though she wanted to do it.

Today, all the girls were at a birthday party that my DD was excited about but BFF didn’t want to go and tried to talk her out of it. BFF’s mom forced her to go, and she literally cling to my DD the entire time (was physically grabbing her arm or pulling her away from others) and they practically hung out in a corner just the two of them the whole time (parents hung out in a cafe and could see into the space). Neither was participating in the party which is unlike my DD, but her friend kept dragging her away.

What do I do to ensure my DD doesn’t become too exclusive with one friend and alienate the rest? I already encourage activities and getting together with others, but she genuinely loves hanging with her BFF and gets a ton of pressure from her not to hang with others.

[Anonymous]

Start inviting other friends to do things, 1:1. Talk casually to DD about the importance of having many different types of friends and friendships, especially heading into the teenage years. Don't allow her to skip things based on the friend - tell her she must go.

I'm all for social engineering at least through 6th grade or so.

[Anonymous]

Two things - sounds like you talk to the other girls' mom, does she think this is an issue?

Does your DD feel like she is missing out? It sounds like you think she is but I didn't get the sense she was unhappy with the setup (you say she "genuinely loves" being with this friend).

I think maybe you are projecting onto the future that your kid is going to get isolated from too much time with this girl. My guess is this will sort itself out in due time when one or both girls decide they are more interested in other kids.

[Anonymous]

Put your daughter into a repetitive activity that the other girl is not in (sports, music, dance, scouts). It will give your daughter some space. Ask your daughter to hold off on telling the BFF this until she is at the midway point of the season. Ask your daughter who her other friends are and remind her she needs to work at all of her friendships.

[Anonymous]

Along with encouraging her to expand her circle I would also talk to her about what makes a good friend (and move away from "best friend" labels). So in the example of the talent show explain to her that a good friend might not want to participate but would still want to support you by coming and watching or celebrating afterwards.

With the birthday party talk to your daughter about her own behavior. She agreed to attend the birthday party of a friend and spent the whole time in a corner with one guest. Those types of actions are not indicative of being a good friend to the birthday girl.

Your daughter has to start taking ownership of the role she's taking in continuing this dynamic so help her come up with what to say to pushback on her best friend when she tries to pull her way or discourage her from doing something she's excited to do.

I also think organizing some more 1:1 playdates/activities with other friends will help especially if you choose activities that she's excited about but her best friend isn't.

These dynamics are only going to get more complicated through middle school so helping her find tools to navigate it now while you are still involved and can influence things will serve her well when she will have to deal with things independently.

[Anonymous]

Definitely request that the girls not be in the same class together next year!!

[Anonymous]

You do nothing? They're going to middle school next year. They won't have all thr same classes (if any) and they might not ever see each other during lunch if they don't have the same lunch period.

[Anonymous]

Are they going to middle school next year? I tend to think this will work itself out then. Until then continue to engineer hang outs with other kids.

If 6th is still grade school there, request they be separated.

My daughter had a friend like this although it was in a 3some. The girl clearly has anxiety and finally my daughter and the other friend just started branching off and didn’t let her guilt trip them anymore. She adjusted and accepted that her social battery was lower energy and is more ok being alone. They are all still friends. I’m guessing bff has major social anxiety and if you are friends with the mom you might gently talk to her about what’s going on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put your daughter into a repetitive activity that the other girl is not in (sports, music, dance, scouts). It will give your daughter some space. Ask your daughter to hold off on telling the BFF this until she is at the midway point of the season. Ask your daughter who her other friends are and remind her she needs to work at all of her friendships.

+1

Keep it simple. We went through this - and the possessive friend manipulated everything, including friendships. Fast forward a few years, and the friendships had fizzled out, and DD made friends more like her (DD). I was more relieved than anyone. I wanted DD to make her own choices, and it worked itself out. The other girl has not changed, and tends to (of course) gravitate toward manipulative people. Good riddance!

[Anonymous]

Her friend does seem to be holding her back but your DD is letting her. Teach your DD to say 'I'm doing the talent show and hope you will also." Tell your DD if friend chooses mot to join something that should not affect DD's decision making.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD is friends with a girl that you don't like and you really want her to stop being friends with her. Your DD knows this and is stuck between the two of you. Why are you putting your DD in such a bad spot?

Let her be friends with her friend. Back off.

[Anonymous]

I had a best friend like this in elementary school. My mother explained to me that she was controlling and that this behavior was not ok and that I should not give into it. She let me stay friends with the girl, but also made sure I invited other friends over for one on one play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her friend does seem to be holding her back but your DD is letting her. Teach your DD to say 'I'm doing the talent show and hope you will also." Tell your DD if friend chooses mot to join something that should not affect DD's decision making.

I agree with this. In an ideal world, a reasonable conversation with bff’s mom would lead to both of you socially engineering distance and boundaries between the two. But in reality, the bff will continue to pressure your daughter. If it’s happening now and they aren’t in the same class, there’s really not much you can do about what happens at school.

Your daughter has to stop yielding to the bff as other posters have said. It’s not enough to have playdates with other kids. You have to flip the perspective of “bff is holding my daughter back” to “my daughter must learn to stand up for herself”.

[Anonymous]

Help your DD focus on other friendships. Get together with other people. Do not let the "BFF" claim all her social time outside of school.

If your DD says "BFF doesn't want to go to the party, so I'm not sure" you say "what do YOU want to do?" and help walk her through it. It's hard for her to let down a friend. That's a good thing. But it also doesn't mean she has to be beholden to it.

Help her find space. They may stay friends, which is fine, but it's important this other child has space to find other friends too.

Most children aren't served well by having one singular best friend above all else. Because kids grow and change.

[Anonymous]

A lot of good advice above including encouraging your DD to advocate for herself instead of viewing her as a victim. Hopefully the summer will naturally provide distance between them