DD’s best friend is holding her back

[Anonymous]

What if your daughter invited another girl and the BFF over and your daughter encourages the other girls to bond, so there is another friendship the BFF can have? Sort of like your daughter setting up the BFF with someone new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start inviting other friends to do things, 1:1. Talk casually to DD about the importance of having many different types of friends and friendships, especially heading into the teenage years. Don't allow her to skip things based on the friend - tell her she must go.

I'm all for social engineering at least through 6th grade or so.

This, above.

Dspite some DCUM parents who seem to think kids should manage their own "social lives" starting in early elementary, it is perfectly fine, and will not somehow scar your child, to do some social engineering on her behalf. In fifth grade it's OK still to do things like: "There's a play at (kids' theater) on Saturday and I thought I'd take you, and I remember you said X liked plays--how about we invite X? " and so on. If she suggests BFF instead of X: "Remember, you'll see BFF at (whatever) all week but you only see X if we make an effort and it's been a long time." Don't cut BFF out, cold turkey -- the kid hasn't done anything to deserve that, AND you risk making your DD feel she must defend BFF and protect her. You don't wan that. Just start doing some engineering of event plus suggestion of another friend.

OP, you referred to activities, but if you're gently asking DD to do this or that, stop asking. Tell her to pick an activity from a list you and she put together. Don't expect her to come to you with ideas; she's still young enough that it can overwhelm her if you say, "What do you want to do every week as an activity?" Come up with a limited set of options and talk to her but she has to pick something. She needs a regular, ongoing, group-based activity outside school and unrelated to school, something that's all hers and which the friend doesn't do and isn't going to try to get into to be with your DD. But do not tell your DD "this is supposed to be just your thing, not yours and BFF's" --do not give DD any idea that this is to separate her from BFF. It should be something DD really does want to do, so she'll engage with it genuinely.

Listen to PPs saying to ensure they are not in the same class next year if it's still elementary school, where you are. Your DD does NOT need to know you have made this request, OP. Do it in writing. Ask the school front office the best way to make such a request. It's done all the time but has to be done usually by the time the school is composing classes for fall so find out now when that gets done. Iv'e never yet known a request like that not to be honored in our schools.

Do the girls plan to see each other all summer long? I'd be sure to find some things to keep DD busy that don't involve BFF. I hope they're not signedup for the same camps etc., OP. Again - you don't want to punish either girl for being friends here, but your DD does need to be separated from BFF more, while still seeing enough of BFF that they don't feel like the wicked parents are pulling them apart.