DH wants to quit job to join startup
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Anonymous
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Husband has a high paying job with a lot of flexibility and seniority. His income varies but was around 800k last year. It’s always over 500k. We have 1 teen with mild special needs which require therapy and 2 middle schoolers. He wants to quit his job to join a startup. Basically I think he’s bored and wants to try something new and work with friends. Maybe a quasi midlife crisis?
How do I nudge him into realizing he should stay at his current job until our kids are launched? We have six years left until youngest is 18. In terms of money, we have 5M liquid but about 750k of that is the kids’ college funds, which we intend to spend. We also have our house (1 mil in equity) but, since you have to live somewhere, we wouldn’t be able to realize that unless we downsized or moved somewhere much cheaper which we don’t want to do. At the very least, I think we should have 5M liquid excluding college funds. It’s not just money though. Joining a startup would mean longer working hours, more work stress, pressure to perform and prove his worth, and more stress about money. As it is, we live frugally enough that we don’t have to budget down to every last dollar. If the kids are going to the mall, we give them $20. We give them money to buy clothes. We get takeout a lot. We take nice vacations (our one splurge). We’d all have to start living very differently if he quit his job. I teach preschool and barely make over $20k. Mostly just to have something to do. I could pay for our health insurance and that’s it, lol. So what would you say to your husband in this scenario? |
Anonymous
| Thank you for supporting us honey, go for it! |
Anonymous
| Let him quit and join. Why is DH obligated to be responsible for the family's finances and be miserable on behalf of everyone else? You have enough to get by even if neither of you work. |
Anonymous
| Get ready to be the default parent! |
Anonymous
Like I said though, it’s not just money. That’s a lot of it but our teen has some concerning behavioral challenges (cutting when stressed) and staying on top of him and managing him is a 2 person job. I don’t think it’s a good time for him to take a new pressure filled job. |
Anonymous
“So what’s your thinking about how we’re going to be available to support Larlo? Like it or not, we have a child with intense needs. Am I expected to be the only parent available if you’re working 65 hour weeks at a start-up? O want you to be happy in your work. AND I don’t want to left holding all the responsibilities for managing all of the parenting. What thinking have you done about how this new job will impact our current schedule?” |
Anonymous
| If he makes that much AND has maximal flexibility, DO NOT LEAVE. This is not the part of the economic cycle to take risks. Can he be on an advisory board to the startup or something...be involved there but not employed? |
Anonymous
| Women have choices. Men have obligations. |
Anonymous
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How many hours a week do you work? 20k at a preschool sounds like you work part time. Is he unhappy in his current position?
I would support him. Apply for your health insurance so that you have a fallback if the startup fails. Give him a year to prove that it will work out. In that year you don't get as much takeout, you don't take a big trip. You say "our one big splurge" but I'm guessing you have a lot more splurges and you can cut back easily. If he's that high of an earner I'm sure he can go back into the field he's in if the one year at the startup doesn't work. |
Anonymous
| My husband has gone through this phase as well. Similarly, he has a well-paid senior position with flexibility but is bored. I worked for a start-up for 10 years, so I understand the excitement as well as the grind and the total consumption of your mental space. The solution for us was for DH to pursue a new hobby, which offers the mental stimulation/newness he was craving, as well as a new social network. It does require time in evenings and weekends, which I accommodate because I am happy to have his job stability/security. And he comes home in a better headspace than would if he were at a start-up. |
Anonymous
Lots of single dads out there parenting kids whose moms abandoned them. |
Anonymous
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No, unless he's certain to have equity due to an already pre-existing relationship with the founder and his foundational contributions to the company. Otherwise, no no no no no no. A start-up environment is a young, unattached person's job. It will suck him in and he will not be able to have a life outside of work. Not only will you be a single parent, but worse: he will come home and need to be supported himself, and might take out his fatigue on all of you. A special needs teen in the mix won't help things. And all this for what? Not nearly as much money as to make this worth the sweat and tears. On the other hand, he might hold it over your head that you dug in your heels and refused that opportunity. If he's that sort of person, this is a lose-lose situation for you. The best option is if he can talk to other people who participated in start-ups and they can dissuade him, not you... |
Anonymous
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Working at a startup is not necessarily more stressful. We’ve done it 3x in our family (DH twice, me once). It’s more invigorating, more interesting, potentially more remunerative, but of course that’s a crapshoot.
We both vastly prefer it to a BigCo. We have a NW like yours. The whole point of stockpiling money as you have is to give yourselves the freedom to work as you like. Financially you’ll be fine whatever job he has. Do what’s interesting, he can always go back to a more “stable” job at some point. |
Anonymous
True, but still in this day and age men have a higher earning potential usually. |
Anonymous
This. Don't even mention money. If you don't think $4M is enough of a nest egg while still having many working years ahead of you, then you need to reevaluate your spending and priorities. But time spent at home while raising vulnerable children is a completely different story from not being able to afford to fly first class. At the least, you need to get your eldest in a stable place. Then if the younger two don't need as much time and guidance then you can think about 65 hour work weeks. Maybe your DH can have strong boundaries at the startup and refuse to make his family the second priority, but that would take a strong personality. Only you and your DH know if your he could actually do it. |