So this is my midlife crisis, right?
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Anonymous
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I'm 44 and my life is ostensibly pretty good, and also the result of conscious choices I've made. But for about the last 6 months, I have just felt like I'm in some kind of crisis:
- Feel like I squandered my education and potential - Worried I can't outrun genetics and a bad childhood and that I lost the chance to be the person I want before I even started - Feel so out of step with peers, like they all followed these same career trajectories and family choices and I am a weird outlier - Feel my friendships won't survive disparities in finances and background I've been in therapy (would like to do it again, but have been struggling a bit to find a good fit -- I've had enough mediocre therapists in my life to feel like at this stage I want someone who is a really good fit for me), I'm a really introspective person, I have a good history of making concrete changes to improve my life when I feel like I need to. But lately there's this voice in my head saying things like "you're too old for that" or "just accept this is how life is going to be." A lot of the stuff I've done in the past to get through tough times, usually involving stepping out of my comfort zone, don't feel possible right now because I'm a parent, I don't have the same amount of free time, and I feel pressed by the financial stresses of saving for retirement, saving for college, and also trying to provide a good life for my kid right now. I just have this feeling like it's too late, or like I need to make some drastic change if I want to change the course of things. How do I work my way out of this? |
Anonymous
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I don't have words of comfort, but I want to share that I could almost have written this verbatim. I'm 46. |
Anonymous
OP here and it is meaningful to to just know I'm not the only one feeling this way. |
Anonymous
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I’m 44 and feel the exact same way OP. I feel stuck and feel like I have maybe one major life change left in me. Totally burnt out at work as well. 2 kids in elementary and considering moving to a different state with better weather, quitting job (in a prestigious but stressful industry) and becoming a SAHD. Spouse is completely on board and I could help support her career in a lucrative industry.
Not sure if this is wanderlust due to mid-life crisis and I am not thinking clearly, or if this would actually be a healthy change for our family. OP sorry or bring it all back to me, all this to say you aren’t the only one at this age going through this! |
Anonymous
OP here and I get it. In my case, I am somewhat stuck in our current location due to spouse's job and that is contributing a lot to feeling stuck. Add in wanting to ensure my kid gets what they need and I feel like I am living mostly for others and wondering when, if ever, I will get to feel I am accomplishing something for myself. Compounded by having mommy tracked when I had a kid so while my job is not hugely stressful like yours, I feel like I'm kind of going nowhere in it. But lucked into a reasonably high paying job given that I have a flexible schedule and don't work completely full time, so don't feel like I can leave it for something else. Serious paralysis and just feel like by the time I can change any of this (like when spouse can finally move or when DC is no longer so dependent on me) it will be too late. |
Anonymous
| I'm a bit older but can relate to what you are saying. I feel ready for something to happen. I feel like I'm stuck in the same old same old and nothing every changes. |
Anonymous
| I hear you, OP. Don't have advice because I'm in the middle of these feelings too, but I think this is kind of the classic midlife crisis model, at least for the internal experience. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry OP. This is a really hard stage of life. There's often nothing you can do but clench your teeth and struggle on. It does get better though.
I'm 54 now and life is so much better. You can read up about the U-curve of Happiness. That helped me realize this is a season of my life, and statistically the season that's the hardest with the lowest happiness levels. Perimenopause doesn't help the situation either and that becomes an issue during later 40s. All I could do was hold on and wait, try and take care of myself as best I could, and hold on to the hope that things would eventually feel better. Things will get better in time. But 40s suck y'all. It's no joke. You are definitely not alone. Commiserating with others helps too. Hang in there OP! |
Anonymous
| I'm 50 and feel this way. Spouse has had mental health issues that have affected their trajectory, income has been all over the map and recently doubled (yay, all better, let's plan) and then halved (fu%$ all the plans). |
Anonymous
Correct. Had similar feelings in mid to early 40s - now 49. But, the post hit on just about all the issues I was dealing with. There are studies out there that says the mid-40s with youngish children (not college aged) are about as hard a time in the social dynamics of your own life and the relationship with your spouse and children. Most of that is because you come across a gamut of different people raising kids. Some are younger and only in their late 30s while you are in you mid-40s but kids the same age. It takes a few years but it does get better. Just got to push through. |
Anonymous
| OP I would recommend making small changes. Small changes lead incrementally to larger ones. I also think you sound very self aware and that perhaps therapy at its most basic level is a waste of time for you. Have you thought about a life coach or a psychiatrist as an alternative (I know those two are polar worlds apart). |
Anonymous
Can I ask: what specifically makes it get better? I’m 41 and went through a malaise/restlessness over the past 3 years that seems to be abating now. I’m actually post menopause because of an oophorectomy, so I won’t have a rocky perimenopause to navigate, luckily. I can see that the older people in my life are more content and easygoing. What exactly accounts for it? Is there any way to get there sooner? I have three ES kids and yes it’s busy with them, but not unreasonably so. |
Anonymous
OP here and thank you for this. Actually started a two week exercise program today with a very specific fitness goal with this in mind. I need to remind myself that fitness/exercise is one of the best ways I have to deal with these feelings. I might try to do language practice very day too. Whatever keeps those feelings of failure and futility at bay. Would love a life coach or really great therapist but it's been so hard to find someone who is a good fit. My last therapist was really nice but it didn't feel like she really got me and she seemed disinterested in the stuff I wanted to talk about. In the end that made me feel worse, like "omg I'm such a cliche I'm boring my own therapist." |
Anonymous
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Very common. Gotta learn to let go.
Take some advice from ol' Biff Tannen https://youtu.be/N-t2PDrqPCc |
Anonymous
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I have felt this way, too. When I do I set a B.H.A.G. Big Harry Audacious Goal. Run a marathon, climb a mountain, take up SCUBA diving, something new that you're interested in, excited about, or just a way to challenge yourself. Hopefully you'll meet new people who enjoy it, too, and expand your "community".
It's not a replacement for therapy, I do that, too, but this helps me. |