When people say 'I am lucky/ privileged to be able to' - does it make you feel any better?

[Anonymous]

I spoke to a fellow mom recently who told me 'I'm privileged to be able to stay at home with the kids'. While I understand why she said it and what she was getting at, it felt very odd in the moment. In fact it made me reflexively want to end the conversation as soon as possible. Does this qualifier actually make anyone feel better? Am i broken?

[Anonymous]

It's taking the place of "blessed" which implies some sort of divine decision making, when in reality you are just rich.

[Anonymous]

Yes, if I say that, because it’s signaling that I have empathy & understand that hard work alone isn’t what got me to where I am. When someone tells you they are “self-made” or “got where they are on their own,” it signals that they’re a douche who doesn’t understand systemic oppression.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind the phrasing -- I think people use it to avoid igniting the mommy wars as a way to kind of say "I'm doing this because I want to and I feel happy about it but omg please don't think I'm trying to say everyone should do the thing or that I don't realize that not everyone can do the thing" which is sometimes good. But it can also be grating? Depending on the speaker/listener. I don't think you're broken for finding it grating for sure.

[Anonymous]

How would you prefer she say it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spoke to a fellow mom recently who told me 'I'm privileged to be able to stay at home with the kids'. While I understand why she said it and what she was getting at, it felt very odd in the moment. In fact it made me reflexively want to end the conversation as soon as possible. Does this qualifier actually make anyone feel better? Am i broken?

I hear what comes after this - the quiet part that doesn't get said aloud. "I'm privileged to be able to stay at home with the kids, so I shouldn't feel so broken all the time and unsatisfied with how life has turned out." At least that's how I felt when I was a SAHM. I felt like it was a privilege and that I was a bad person for not being grateful for the experience.

[Anonymous]

omg no - people should NOT say this. it sounds SO SO smug.

[Anonymous]

It depends a lot. Context is everything and it really depends on why the are saying it.

Sometimes people complain about problems that they only have because they are quite privileged. Like complaining that you can't decide which of two custom sofas will look best in your brand new home in a good neighborhood. If someone was complaining about this and said, with some humor, "Look I get I'm super privileged to even have this silly problem!" it does actually make me feel warmer to them because it demonstrates some self awareness. Certainly better than them acting like this problem is comparable to the much more challenging choices less privileged people have to make all the time.

On the other hand, if someone is bragging about their great life, their successful kids, how wonderful everything is, and then says, "of course I know I'm lucky to have all this," it just sounds like an extension of the brag. I have so much and it's wonderful, and also I'm even aware of how wonderful it is and that many, many other people don't have nearly as much wonderful $hit in their lives! In that case, I would also think a little less of them. It's like appearing self-aware without actually being self-aware, because a truly self-aware person doesn't brag about how great their life is, and especially not to people who are not as fortunate.

[Anonymous]

I mean, it’s true: they are lucky and privileged to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Not everything is about you. I just feel lucky about certain things and am acknowledging that good fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you prefer she say it?

op - i guess i would prefer she didn't say it at all.
we have a beach house but i would never say 'we are privileged to have a beach house' - sounds just.. terrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spoke to a fellow mom recently who told me 'I'm privileged to be able to stay at home with the kids'. While I understand why she said it and what she was getting at, it felt very odd in the moment. In fact it made me reflexively want to end the conversation as soon as possible. Does this qualifier actually make anyone feel better? Am i broken?

I hear what comes after this - the quiet part that doesn't get said aloud. "I'm privileged to be able to stay at home with the kids, so I shouldn't feel so broken all the time and unsatisfied with how life has turned out." At least that's how I felt when I was a SAHM. I felt like it was a privilege and that I was a bad person for not being grateful for the experience.

Oh, this is relatable. I remember feeling like I always had to apologize for being a SAHM and act grateful, and that was really hard because becoming a SAHM wasn't this easy choice for me (it was partly out of necessity) and it didn't always go smoothly. I felt like I couldn't complain about something normal like my DH being unhelpful around the house because, after all, wasn't it my job to take care of the house 100% on my own since I wasn't making any money? Or like I couldn't complain about my kids being difficult or being tired because wasn't the whole point of being a SAHM to be home with your kids all day? Why would you be more tired than a working mom who is doing it all PLUS making money?

Like I carried around a metric ton of guilt and embarrassment when I was a SAHM and I could absolutely say myself saying something like that almost as an apology. Like yes, I'm aware that not everyone even has the ability to stay home with their kids, please know that I am aware of this [also I'm depressed and isolated, my DH in fact doesn't help at all with the kids nights and weekends so I feel like I have a 100+ hr/wk job, money is tight, and my oldest just started doing something I don't know how to handle and it feels like it's my fault because, after all, I'm the person he spends 100% of his waking hours with].

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends a lot. Context is everything and it really depends on why the are saying it.

Sometimes people complain about problems that they only have because they are quite privileged. Like complaining that you can't decide which of two custom sofas will look best in your brand new home in a good neighborhood. If someone was complaining about this and said, with some humor, "Look I get I'm super privileged to even have this silly problem!" it does actually make me feel warmer to them because it demonstrates some self awareness. Certainly better than them acting like this problem is comparable to the much more challenging choices less privileged people have to make all the time.

On the other hand, if someone is bragging about their great life, their successful kids, how wonderful everything is, and then says, "of course I know I'm lucky to have all this," it just sounds like an extension of the brag. I have so much and it's wonderful, and also I'm even aware of how wonderful it is and that many, many other people don't have nearly as much wonderful $hit in their lives! In that case, I would also think a little less of them. It's like appearing self-aware without actually being self-aware, because a truly self-aware person doesn't brag about how great their life is, and especially not to people who are not as fortunate.

To apply this to the SAHM situation, there's a huge difference between:

"Oh my gosh I am so tired and I would give anything to just go sit in a room by myself for 8 hours... but of course I understand I'm privileged to even be able to do this. It's just hard sometimes."

And

"I'm so glad I'm a SAHM because I get to actually see my children grow up, plus I'll never regret this time I spent with them. Plus I can make sure they have these amazing childhoods and aren't just stuck in a daycare or glued to a screen all day. Of course, I understand I'm privileged to even be able to do this. I'm so, so lucky."

One is relatable and the other is smug AF.

[Anonymous]

Personally it sounds obnoxious to me - like every woman who has the financial means to do so should stay home. Sounds like it's inferring a negative judgment on women with high-earning spouses who choose to work outside the home even though they don't "need" the money. Just say you're a stay at home mom.

[Anonymous]

It implies that if you're working it's because you're a poor. That's not why I work. I just like it.