Just need to vent a little
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Anonymous
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Life has basically sucked the past few months.
My mil died in Dec, after us being by her bedside for a month. Hospice was arduous. We are now left with the task of dealing with her belongings, 40 years of hoarding, and selling her condo. The job falls to us because the other siblings are either estranged or living overseas. MIL lived 4 hrs away from us so it requires weekend trips to go through her things. She has mixed financially valuable items with extremely sentimental items with useless crap. So someone who knew her and loved her has to be the one sorting. Add to that just managing her paperwork, bills, taxes, etc. Meanwhile, my own parents are fastly deteriorating. They are local so there's a lot of elder care logistics I've been doing - getting CNAs, setting up drug + food delivery, occasionally going to doctor appointments, and physically checking in a few times a week. I have a sibling but he's got some of his own personal issues (special needs kid) that makes him less available for this type of work. Finally, I work full time and have 2 kids (elem, middle) who are lovely sunny beings but naturally have a lot of their own needs that I need to tend to (supporting practice of extracurriculars+sports, hw help, increasingly wanting to host play dates or "hang outs" with friends). Right now their bond with me is good so I feel it's important for me to continue with these things. Anyway, lately I am just so so tired. I don't see an end in sight to my work. I am starting to wonder if my whole life will just be taking care of other people until they die, and then I will die. Or more that I will be spending so much of my good years with the kids taking care of others. I'd like a vacation but I blew too many of my vacation days on appts for kids things or parents things. Sorry I know a lot of you go thru this too, especially in mid-age. I am in my mid 40s. How do you not feel hopeless? I am really almost starting to feel panicky because my "list" is huge. I am slowly working thru it all but it just feels so overwhelming and things I have done easily (taxes for example) now feels daunting. |
Anonymous
| Can you hire an auctioneer to help with the clear out of hoarded items. They might take a percentage for boxing up and sorting but it will save you time. You would still have a chance to pick out the items you want prior to a sale. You need more time to focus on your parents and getting that situation squared away before they deteriorate further. It can happen quickly. I wish it got easier but it doesn’t. Maybe find a case manager or care coordinator to help with elder care logistics. |
Anonymous
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I have been you. I had the same thoughts. I wanted someone to rescue me and I finally rescued myself. As they age they lose the empathy and ability to see their demands are too much and they are burning you out.
If you can push push push to get parents into residential. An alternative is case manager, but beware of the ones who sell aging in place in too much because they sell you the moon, especially if they know there is someone local to pick up the pieces when the companies they contract with have no-shows, etc. Hire someone to deal with MILs stuff after you get rid of anything with personal info. I would not hire an auctioneer because our experience is even wealthy relatives just have junk nobody wants. You want a person who figures out what can be donated and what must be trashed. Someone here shared a brilliant quote about how you need to be a good ancestor far more than be a people pleasing child. Your children deserve a mother who is sane and healthy and available to give them love. They learn nothing from you making yourself sick for people who already lived a full life. You make sure elders have quality care, does not need to be you organizing it all. Your marriage and your wellbeing matter and need to be a priority. Let go of pleasing anyone. If your parents are at all grateful you are fortunate. You have to accept their decline may be awful and they may become difficult. It's not about making them happy. It's about making sure they have care, but don't do you in. It's a marathon not a sprint. You do not need to be superwoman. You do need to take care of yourself. |
Anonymous
| Ok, let go of MIL's supposedly financially valuable stuff. It's probably worth way less than you think. Time with your kids and your parents is far more precious. |
Anonymous
| OP, the time with your kids is the most important thing. Don’t push that to the end of your list because it’s the easiest to defer…because you can’t. You just miss it. Throw things away, have boundaries, prioritize your kids. Your parents will just have to make do. |
Anonymous
| Let the condo sit a while. You don't need to rush it. And don't go through all the crap. It's worthless crap that will only serve to junk up your life and home, making you feel like a hoarder too. |
Anonymous
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I just sold my mother's house to fund her assisted living. It was also 40+ years of hoarding, cats, depression, etc. and 3.5 hours away. Also have a full time job and two young children. Here's what worked for me.
I engaged a local realtor who hooked me up with a local auction house. I took a few trips there to pick out the few things I wanted and sort out things to take to my mother. The auction house emptied the entire house (it took over a week) and will sell what they can. Any auction proceeds over and above their fee will be returned to me. The realtor handled everything 'on the ground' for me and earned his commission. This is the only way I could have possibly managed the situation. Regarding valuable items, my realtor said that no one wants 'brown furniture' and realistically, a lot of stuff our parents have is not that valuable. Sentimental, but not financially valuable. |
Anonymous
This rang true to me. I was helping my parents clean out my grandparents stuff, and while heartbreaking for my dad, the truth was that no one wanted any of this stuff that his parents treasured. We kept a few boxes of jewelry and of course any photos or albums, but even those are just sitting in storage now. I have one or two pieces of jewelry where I plan on having the gem reset into something I would actually wear, but it's been 7 years and I still haven't gotten around to it. And even if there are a few financially valuable things (antiques? art? cash stuffed in socks?), they are not valuable to YOU. Your most valuable thing right now is time, and tchotchkas from another era aren't going to be worth your time. I vote for having the estate company do the lion share of sorting and if you lose an antique paperweight in the process, so be it. Hugs, OP. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. They are your priority and don't let anyone guilt you over that. |
Anonymous
Definitely. The sentimentally valuable stuff? If it's valuable to you--go get it. This should take no more than 1 hour, tops. Send out a notice to everyone else, the estranged and the living overseas, that if they want it, they need to come get it by "X date"--no more than 1 month from now. Yes, yes they can find a time to come get it (or send their proxy) within the month, even if they live overseas. |
Anonymous
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No no no, you do not do your MIL's stuff. You take care of yourself, your kids and your parents, in that order.
Here's who you contact: https://www.caringtransitions.com/ or a similar business. I have not hired any personally, but I used to buy a lot of items at estate sales, and Caring Transitions looked like a very competent group. Apparently they sort the stuff before selling it and you get some of the money. Then you can sell the home. I assume you'd need to be there for the sorting, so you can select a few keepsakes and mementos, but the rest will not be your problem. |
Anonymous
Some of you are not familiar with hoarded homes. |
Anonymous
+1 Million My mom did this when she and my father moved into a continuing care community. Best thing she ever did for me, even more so than paying for college (as cleaning it out would have fell on me). Mom flagged what she wanted to go to the CCR with them. After they moved someone recommended by their realtor came in, flagged the more valuable things (mostly some MCM like furniture) and set up an open house for people to come in (not really an auction) and then everything not sold/sellable was taken by them to the dump or donated. Mom got a third of the proceeds, but honestly, it would have been worth it if she didn’t get anything from the sales. My BIL who’s passion was buying crap at estate sales and trying to sell it, died unexpectedly three years ago and my local-ish BIL and SIL are still going thru stuff trying to sell it. They are retired, and don’t mind, but there’s no way my husband and I (working, young kids) would have been able to do it. |
Anonymous
If the item is buried under that much stuff, that it takes more than an hour to find it--then it will not be in any condition to keep. |
Anonymous
| I am really surprised anyone found auction houses willing to deal with the stuff. It must vary by area, because our experience is the relative must really have impeccable taste-even wealthy and collecting expensive stuff doesn't cut it if nobody wants the stuff. Much easier to donate, get the person a tax deduction and sadly trash a lot of it that even donation places don't want. |
Anonymous
They are not auction houses, PP. They are businesses that specialize in going into old people's homes after they've relocated or passed away, sort through the mounds of things, sell what can be sold in estate sale format (it's announced online and people show up, and take away items, the items have been tagged with their price, the last day of sale has a discount). Then they get rid of the unsold stuff so the house can be sold empty. The relatives have first dibs on anything they want prior to the sale. The company makes the bulk of the profit, but usually the family gets a little something. The main appeal for families is that they don't have to sort and sell by themselves! |