Just need to vent a little

[Anonymous]

In addition to so much of the terrific practical advice being offered here (like hiring someone to deal with your MIL's belongings, looking into residential care, etc. - definitely do this!! Yes! ) -- I would just like to say that you OP-- are a saint. You are doing so much good in this world. You are a giver -- a generous, self-sacrificing, loving person. Givers can often get burned out, so they definitely have to watch out for themselves and set some boundaries. Not easy, I know.

The combo of raising children well, working a full-time job, and taking care of elders and all that that entails is absolutely TOO MUCH for one person - even the most capable person. If there's any way to drastically scale back the elder-care and maybe even the job if necessary (diff job or part-time -- or some other endeavor that works for your family), you can actually enjoy raising your kids, nurturing your marriage, and living a healthier life.

As a new empty-nester, I will tell you that prioritizing your children and your husband is absolutely the right thing to do. When your children are grown and you see them succeeding, you and your husband will have a deep satisfaction and happiness about the life and family you have built together. I have a number of friends and acquaintances who put their husbands and kids LAST and now have deep regrets. They have shallow relationships with their kids, and many times - their kids are in bad shape or have not done as well as they could have. You don't want that.

You also want to invest in yourself and your vocation along the way. When your kids are gone, you will need to have meaningful work you can be proud of.

Life requires so much of women these days, but if you prioritize your marriage, your kids and your vocational calling (and your faith if applicable) -- the people who matter most in your life will be taken care of, and you will be so much happier in the long run.

Take good care of yourself and say "NO" to peripheral demands that eat up your energy and time. These wasteful things will consume your entire life if you allow it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to so much of the terrific practical advice being offered here (like hiring someone to deal with your MIL's belongings, looking into residential care, etc. - definitely do this!! Yes! ) -- I would just like to say that you OP-- are a saint. You are doing so much good in this world. You are a giver -- a generous, self-sacrificing, loving person. Givers can often get burned out, so they definitely have to watch out for themselves and set some boundaries. Not easy, I know.

The combo of raising children well, working a full-time job, and taking care of elders and all that that entails is absolutely TOO MUCH for one person - even the most capable person. If there's any way to drastically scale back the elder-care and maybe even the job if necessary (diff job or part-time -- or some other endeavor that works for your family), you can actually enjoy raising your kids, nurturing your marriage, and living a healthier life.

As a new empty-nester, I will tell you that prioritizing your children and your husband is absolutely the right thing to do. When your children are grown and you see them succeeding, you and your husband will have a deep satisfaction and happiness about the life and family you have built together. I have a number of friends and acquaintances who put their husbands and kids LAST and now have deep regrets. They have shallow relationships with their kids, and many times - their kids are in bad shape or have not done as well as they could have. You don't want that.

You also want to invest in yourself and your vocation along the way. When your kids are gone, you will need to have meaningful work you can be proud of.

Life requires so much of women these days, but if you prioritize your marriage, your kids and your vocational calling (and your faith if applicable) -- the people who matter most in your life will be taken care of, and you will be so much happier in the long run.

Take good care of yourself and say "NO" to peripheral demands that eat up your energy and time. These wasteful things will consume your entire life if you allow it!

1000. I agree with so much of this, but even though i think this is a wonderful post and the person had the best of intentions I cringed at the whole "you are a saint... self-sacrificing." I think it gives a mixed message. Many women are pushed into martyrdom by the whole ideal that we are somehow saintly if we sacrifice everything for others. So this post rightly tells OP not to so this, to make herself, her kids and husband the priority, but then it tells her she is saint for not doing that and for trying to please everyone. I can't think of a better analogy so this will have to do...It's like telling an anorexic or bulimic, she looks great and thin, but she must stop these unhealthy habits because she will do herself in. I think we need to start complimenting women for setting boundaries and making healthy choices and be very careful about complimenting them when they are self-destructing trying to be all the things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, let go of MIL's supposedly financially valuable stuff. It's probably worth way less than you think. Time with your kids and your parents is far more precious.

This causes so much stress with DH's mother, but we've largely stuck to our guns. I get that she can't let go of the memory of an era when her children were young (e.g., their game table), but it's also her insistence that these objects have worth. What she thinks are heirlooms are simply not the case. DH is pretty good about it, but I know there will be another round of this when they downsize again to assisted living. While FIL's travel days are largely over, she will probably be able to move around for awhile. If that were not the case, then I might agree to take some items, but not really do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised anyone found auction houses willing to deal with the stuff. It must vary by area, because our experience is the relative must really have impeccable taste-even wealthy and collecting expensive stuff doesn't cut it if nobody wants the stuff. Much easier to donate, get the person a tax deduction and sadly trash a lot of it that even donation places don't want.

Around here, Quinn's is willing to look at stuff and let you know. You probably won't get much for it, but it may reassure the elders to know that it's not all going into dumpsters.

[Anonymous]

Thanks this is OP. Thanks for all the advice. Good to be reminded what my actual priorities are..