DD came out as asexual. Anyone BTDT.

[Anonymous]

My 18 year, who is a freshman in college, told me recently that she is asexual. She has never had a boyfriend and says she has never had a crush on a boy or a girl. But, she’s also a very anxious kid, who spent end of sophomore and junior years in HS in tele-learning, and most of her HS friends didn’t date. I told her that was fine, and that what was important in life was developing high quality relationships, and those relationships didn’t have to be romantic or sexual. I also told her that die to modern fertility treatments, she could choose to have children (or not) without being in a sexual relationship.

There is so much these days about LGBTQ. Does anyone have a kid who is asexual? Did they continue to identify as asexual as they got older? I’m taking her seriously and certainly not telling her she’s not asexual. But I wonder if COVID lockdowns played a role in making her less socially advanced. As an added twist, she is below the 1% in BMI (not an earring disorder, just how she has always been) and doesn’t produce enough estrogen to control her period. So, she hemorrhages for half the month unless she’s on BC pills. So, I wonder if there is a hormonal element at play.

Any thoughts (of the nice, helpful variety)?

[Anonymous]

This isn’t for you to figure out. It’s up to you to love and accept her for her identification, and support her if she seems unhappy.

Some asexuals have romantic relationships, just not sexual ones. She may find herself in a happy companionate marriage one day. But *she’s only 18* and she has so much time to explore her wants, needs, desires.

If you’re worried about her health, that is a separate issue and topic.

For now, you don’t need to run out and do anything. Just accept her information, hear her out if she wants to talk. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, so you don’t have to “worry” about the causes and children and whatever life may have in store for her. Your open ness to what she’s told you and willingness to let her be herself are what she needs.

[Anonymous]

She's 18 and anxious OP. Just help.her figure her way through this and listen to her. Maybe she really is asexual and maybe she's not, she has very little real world experience at 18 post pandemic. Encourage her to try new things, anything really, and make new friends, see how things go.

Maybe she really is asexual and maybe she is not.

[Anonymous]

I have an asexual kid who says the same as yours (never had a crush on a boy or a girl) but does identify as gay as well because says if they did have crush it would be with same sex. I just roll with it. As the PP says, they can still have romantic or companion relationships and have children. etc if they desire. It doesn't impact me, so I just support and who knows what will materialize as they age!

[Anonymous]

I don't have any specific advice but all she needs from you is your unconditional love. She may change her preference or not but she'll be fine either way. Get her a therapist and advice her to focus on her education and career, other things will fall in place with time.

[Anonymous]

What does any of this have to do with you? She’s sharing information about herself. There’s no role for you except to listen to, learn about, and accept your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an asexual kid who says the same as yours (never had a crush on a boy or a girl) but does identify as gay as well because says if they did have crush it would be with same sex. I just roll with it. As the PP says, they can still have romantic or companion relationships and have children. etc if they desire. It doesn't impact me, so I just support and who knows what will materialize as they age!

This is the approach I would take as well and to let them know if they ever wanted to talk through it with a therapist, and needed help paying, I'd be happy to help.

I would never identify myself as "asexual", but, I do have a low sex drive and mostly married for friendly companionship and to have children. My husband also has a low sex drive, so, we are compatible in that way and many others. I think your kid is very young, and I would just encourage her to put herself out there to make friends and to not worry about having a relationship, but also not rule it out. She has lots of time to focus on education and career first, not worrying about a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to accept the asexuality unconditionally, but you should definitely make sure she has a good doctor she likes and trusts, I assume an endocrinologist or a GYN? And I would encourage her to bring the asexuality to their attention as an FYI since it’s in the kind of general constellation, not because it’s a problem or symptom necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Mine told us she was, also. And then she got a boyfriend two years later.

[Anonymous]

No biggie, she is just 25- 30 years ahead of her peers. All good.

Seriously though, just be supportive and kind. She'll figure it out. She is very young. Family pressure or worry about her future reproductive or domestic life won't help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. If it were me, and I was in this situation with a DD this age, I would plan to spend a ton of time with her this summer and try to get to the bottom of what is going on. You state that she has a lot of anxiety; I would start with helping her work to alleviate that. Exercise, healthy eating, fun job this summer, some travel - what can you do to help her get back on track and get her anxiety under control?

And don't forget - these are the Covid kids who suffered so much during the lockdowns. We are going to be dealing with things like this for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t for you to figure out. It’s up to you to love and accept her for her identification, and support her if she seems unhappy.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. If it were me, and I was in this situation with a DD this age, I would plan to spend a ton of time with her this summer and try to get to the bottom of what is going on. You state that she has a lot of anxiety; I would start with helping her work to alleviate that. Exercise, healthy eating, fun job this summer, some travel - what can you do to help her get back on track and get her anxiety under control?

And don't forget - these are the Covid kids who suffered so much during the lockdowns. We are going to be dealing with things like this for years to come.

There is nothing to be sorry for and nothing to deal with because OPs DD does not have sexual feelings for anyone. She is not broken.

I’m guessing it didn’t occur to you that some of her anxiety could be stemming from the fact that she keeps getting messages that she should WANT to be some kind of sexual, that she’ll end up alone, etc.

[Anonymous]

Meh! In my culture, unmarried children who have not finished their education or have started on their career path are not even supposed to have any sexual feelings or associate with opposite sex. We pretty much grew up without having any boyfriend/girlfriend. When we were in our 20s, we got more freedom and then we were married. Our emotional and sexual relationship happened with our spouse and it was the most powerful thing at all.

[Anonymous]

As an ace adult, the best advice I have is to support her.

Never make any statements such as "Perhaps covid affected your romantic learning..." or "You should explore if your low estrogen production and BC pills are related to your asexuality."

I would 100% encourage her to seek out a psychiatrist who deals with LGBTQ sexuality (I say psychiatrist in case meds are needed for the anxiety issues). They will help her explore her new sexuality in the proper format without making it seem like they are trying to "fix" something that is "broken" within her.

I spent most of my life feeling terribly broken because I didn't feel the same way towards the opposite sex (or even same-sex!) as my peers. I had no idea about asexuality until I was in my sophomore year of college and took a Psych course. Learning about asexuality caused me to have a literal lightbulb moment and everything clicked for me. I honestly cried because it was so freeing to realize I wasn't broken or weird, I simply had another label. It was also freeing to be able to stop forcing myself into different relationships and faking everything, which I had been doing because I thought if I tried hard enough or long enough, I'd be "normal."

I'm 40 with a husband and 2 kids. I'm married to another romantic asexual. We love each other very much but have zero sexual desire for each other (or sex in general). We did artificial insemination for both pregnancies.