Dad wants all kids to visit all the time

[Anonymous]

My 92-year old father lives with mom. Mom is out and about and has friends, goes to museums--she's been so cooped up since COVID (a miracle they both survived), that now she just can't stay home.
Dad, though--never liked to travel, never liked to go anywhere. They're in DC and I remember trying to get Dad to Baltimore to see some friends of his--no.
Now it's worse. He's home, reading, watching sports. He wants me--the local child--to visit all the time. I go by at lunchtime (I work full-time) and sometimes on weekends, but I've got kids and a husband. I feel guilty no matter who I'm with (or not with).
Question: How much time "should" I spend with Dad? Not to mention Mom. My far-flung siblings across the country are supportive but far away. "Be grateful they're alive," they say. I am. But i've got a life, too.

[Anonymous]

Would they consider moving to a senior living community where they’d be some built-in social opportunities and activities for him? I think it’s fine for you to have a weekly schedule that you keep, but it seems your dad needs more than you can provide. It’s fine to look for other solutions.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, but Dad does NOT want a senior facility. "Every man wants to die in his own home," he has said, for years. And that works for him--but he doesn't think of the toll that takes on other family members, especially my mom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, but Dad does NOT want a senior facility. "Every man wants to die in his own home," he has said, for years. And that works for him--but he doesn't think of the toll that takes on other family members, especially my mom...

NP. I get that. You need to set boundaries. I’m the far away sibling to my own parents and ILs and see similar dynamics happening. Let go of your guilt. Your mom doesn’t feel guilty going out. It sounds like you have given your dad different options to be social but he just wants you to come to him. You need to pick a schedule and stick to it. Don’t feel you have to go at lunch and on the weekends if it’s too much.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would go more than once a week. And frankly, twice a month is fine also.

[Anonymous]

“Dad, I can visit on Wednesday at lunch and have you and mom over for Sunday dinner. That’s what I can do right now.”

Stop the guilt nonsense. No one has time for that. Choose to be at peace with what you can give. It is a choice to be guilt-free.

[Anonymous]

is there a senior center close by that he can go to for companionship? they have all kinds of activities for seniors.

iii know you said he doesn't like to go anywhere, but if he is starved for companionship, this may alleviate that.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you refer to them as Mom and Dad and not my mom and my dad tells me you lack adult boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you refer to them as Mom and Dad and not my mom and my dad tells me you lack adult boundaries.

That's exceptionally unhelpful. Here's a cookie.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster that suggested to set up a regular weekly schedule that is doable for you and your family and stick to that. It will be good for him too, because he will have the predictability of knowing that you are coming on Wednesday for lunch (or whatever) and doesn't have to bug you for the next time you will visit.

Also, work out a phone schedule with the further away siblings that makes it so every day he has either a phone call or a visit. So if you are going to visit him on Wednesday and Sunday, another sibling should call on Monday, Thursday and Saturday and the other sibling on Tuesday and Friday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the poster that suggested to set up a regular weekly schedule that is doable for you and your family and stick to that. It will be good for him too, because he will have the predictability of knowing that you are coming on Wednesday for lunch (or whatever) and doesn't have to bug you for the next time you will visit.

Also, work out a phone schedule with the further away siblings that makes it so every day he has either a phone call or a visit. So if you are going to visit him on Wednesday and Sunday, another sibling should call on Monday, Thursday and Saturday and the other sibling on Tuesday and Friday.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

You cannot push things on siblings. All you can do is figure out your own boundaries. He needs more of a life than you all. Sure visit and call, but no need to make a schedule and cater. The bar will likely keep rising and he will want more. It's not about how much you do and if you do just the right amount he will be happy. I learned to hard way. He is unhappy. He doesn't like this stage of life. A schedule is a temporary solution. He needs a life. He needs friends. He could live to be over 100 and I guarantee you within a few months that schedule of calls will not satisfy and eventually resentment will set in.

Do what you can, but don't measure the worth based on how happy he is. Help him find other outlets. He will push back, Doesn't matter.

When your kids were 2, I bet at least one of them hemmed and hawed about going off to preschool or daycare and wanted to cling to you. Most who do that eventually adjust and a world opens up and you have more to give because you aren't stuck at the hip. Help him find a world to make him happy. You and your siblings cannot be the only part of his world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, but Dad does NOT want a senior facility. "Every man wants to die in his own home," he has said, for years. And that works for him--but he doesn't think of the toll that takes on other family members, especially my mom...

That's his choice, but no need to enable it by catering to his every whim. Figure out your limits and stick to it. Give up keeping him happy. It's fleeting and they get more and more needy and self-centered. Do not make it easy for him to stay at home and stew. I am willing to bet money if he meet his wishes now within 6 months you will be on here complaining that he is never satisfied and it is driving you insane. Your boundaries aren't going to make him happy. They are to keep you sane.

[Anonymous]

Just visit him. You'll miss him when he's gone.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to figure out a schedule -once or twice a week and stick to it. Then he knows when you are coming over. It is not up to you to entertain him.