Is this a common feeling in your early 40s? Feels like friends are getting rich and we're stagnant

[Anonymous]

My best friend just moved into a new build mansion and it forced me to confront the fact that actually, practically all of our friends have moved into homes at least two to maybe even ten times the value of our home. High status zip codes. Many of them have vacation homes. Outside of my husband's college friend selling his company for tens of millions, I really don't know where everyone's money is coming from. It is demoralizing. The real gut punch is one friend who lived near us. I thought they were making what we make, but then they moved into a $2.5 million dollar home, and held onto their old house, which is worth about what our house is worth, to rent it out. None of them are flashy or obnoxious, but it still feels like we're being left in the dust. I honestly think we've become the poor friends, so there's an embarrassment there as well. I can't stop thinking about where we went wrong and we're too old to pivot.

[Anonymous]

Family money? And I don't say that in a condescending way.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any inheritance coming your way? Because that’s probably what’s happening to all your friends.

[Anonymous]

More people have parental/family wealth than you probably realize. (This is true for me and it's hard not to be bitter!)

Others are living way beyond their means.

Others may have side gigs you don't know about OR make a lot more in their main gig than you expect.

Focus on yourself and your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

Many are probably getting money from their parents

[Anonymous]

We rent and I have no retirement. Our friends take their kids to Europe. We’re probably not the norm for later 40s, but imagine we are not unique. You’re likely far better off than many, but perhaps not these particular friends.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, this has been true for me. It can feel defeating at times, especially knowing this is likely to get worse as we get older. We try to just focus on ourselves, our financial goals, making smart choices for us. Staying of social media helps a lot. We've also started thinking about moving to a lower COL area in a few years when that will be a reasonable option due to jobs. I think where we are now, we're kind of on the bottom end of the range for our peer group in the DMV. We're still very fortunate and I don't want to lose sight of that, but it's hard when the people around you have a lot more. I think moving somewhere that our HHI and financial situation is more "average" would be beneficial for us on a lot of levels.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. I am literally priced out of my own neighborhood now. But I look at it from the outside, and yes, we are in an area of a lot of wealth, but we (and I suspect you) are not badly off or even close to that. We are fine. We just aren't in the tier of people taking multiple international vacations. Focus on your own self, and your own path.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s pretty common in upper middle class households.

[Anonymous]

I imagine some comes from cashing in stock market gains, stock options if they’re in the executive suite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, this has been true for me. It can feel defeating at times, especially knowing this is likely to get worse as we get older. We try to just focus on ourselves, our financial goals, making smart choices for us. Staying of social media helps a lot. We've also started thinking about moving to a lower COL area in a few years when that will be a reasonable option due to jobs. I think where we are now, we're kind of on the bottom end of the range for our peer group in the DMV. We're still very fortunate and I don't want to lose sight of that, but it's hard when the people around you have a lot more. I think moving somewhere that our HHI and financial situation is more "average" would be beneficial for us on a lot of levels.

That's what's giving me anxiety. It's really, really hard to shake this feeling. You feel hopeless and overcome with dread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family money? And I don't say that in a condescending way.

Maybe? I have no idea. I assume they're also doing better than I imagined professionally too. It's not like the big houses and vacation homes all coincide with parents dying. I'd like to think I'd pick up on that. And I'd assume most of my long-time friends know I don't have an inheritance, as my parents died in my 20s (they left me around $50k each – which went straight to my student loans), so I doubt they're eager to mention any huge windfalls. My husband's parents are still alive and he might get $100k, as he has a lot of siblings? I really have no idea. Certainly not anywhere near a million dollars cash or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Many people have poor money management and investment skills. Others are more focused and skilled in adding to and growing their investments. Over time the former will not be in as good a financial position as the latter, even when both groups have similar incomes.

Entrepreneurs can have very substantial incomes, even if their businesses are not glamorous. For such people you may have underestimated their incomes and consequent savings over long periods of time.

It's popular here to proclaim that people with money necessarily did not earn it, and impliedly don't deserve it, but the reality is that most inheritances are not all that large: https://www.annuity.org/retirement/estate-pla...average-inheritance/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More people have parental/family wealth than you probably realize. (This is true for me and it's hard not to be bitter!)

Others are living way beyond their means.

Others may have side gigs you don't know about OR make a lot more in their main gig than you expect.

Focus on yourself and your own happiness.

This is a defense mechanism. A rich metro is full of genuinely rich people. It's like seeing someone in a nice Range Rover and convincing yourself they must secretly be poor and struggling to make the lease payment.

[Anonymous]

On DCUM, every time someone asks this question, multiple people say: "family money" because then they don't have to think about what they themselves could have done differently. I really don't think receiving large gifts or inheritances from family is as prevalent as you think. Minor downpayments are the most common form of help, but usually don't run into paying for the entire house.

Practically no one ever says: "stock market". Yet for us, that's been the sole driver of our wealth, and I suspect it contributes to the wealth of a lot of my neighbors in Bethesda, along with people who manage or sell successful businesses. We bought high tech stocks when they were cheap because we believed in the product and decades later can sell some stocks to meet our needs.