My friends kids can do no wrong and I’m either about to say something…

[Anonymous]

Or need to take a break from her.

We have similarly aged kids. I have a G10 & B7 and she had a B12 & B7. Our boys attend the same school, we live in the same neighborhood and use to work together. I knew her pre-kids and she was always an all around lovely person.

But the older her kids get the worse she is about making every excuse excuse under the sun for their behavior. Especially for her boy. I don’t think the kid has ever faced a single consequence for his action which is her parenting choice, she’s going to have to be the one to deal with him as a teen. But what I can’t stand is how her kids are always the topic of conversation. Mostly she’s obsessed with the notion that everyone is out to get her son. He is too smart and too creative for school. Every teacher he’d ever had is an idiot who doesn’t “get” her precious baby boy. He’s in second grade and she’s changed schools 4 times since Kindergarten (not including her 3 month attempt at homeschooling). She has at least one meeting a week with the school to discuss how they’re failing her son. No! He doesn’t have behavioral issues the teachers just aren’t doing their best to keep him engaged. He’s far smarter than all his peers so the real reason he’s so far behind is because he’s bored. Nope! No way does he have a learning disability? Impossible! Not her son. Her son also doesn’t have any many friends. She says all the other kids are bullies (and some are) but I’ve seen her son engage with his peers. He’s bossy, demanding, rude and uncooperative. I’m not shocked kids aren’t begging to play with him.

I try to listen but sometimes I just want to tell her, maybe it’s you? Maybe it is your son? If you both constantly have issues why is it everyone else’s fault? You’ve put him through countless schools and they’re all the problem. Attempted speaking to a child therapist and no, that therapist was an idiot. Just like everyone else. She’s like a mad woman with this obsession. Very unlike the her I knew even 5 years ago.

A few weeks ago my kid (my son) got in trouble with a few other boys in the second grade for wetting toilet paper and throwing it on the bathroom walls. My kid (rightfully) got in trouble at school. He must have a chaperone to the restroom until he can prove he can behave himself. He is on “custodial” duty for his classroom (must pick up classroom before recess) and had to apologize to the custodian. He faced consequences at home too (no Nintendo DS for a week).

My friend got wind of this and about had a stroke. Lots of, “did you go up to the office?” “Did you tell the principal no way!” “I’d be furious!” “That’s way too harsh, they’re just little kids.”

My kid knew better and knows better and know he’s facing the consequences of his actions. Hopefully he learned something and won’t do it again. My kid showed me sincere regret. Not just because he was caught, but because he understood he was disrespectful and made someone else’s job harder.

I said nope, I thought the consequences were appropriate and that I trust the school to discipline my child. I wanted my kid, yes even my baby boy, to understand his behavior has consequences. I give the school my kids 36 hours a week. I trust his teacher and the admin. So no, I didn’t do anything. (I would if I felt the consequences were extreme, of course).

She was shocked and didn’t say much. I don’t know if she’s rethinking how she parents. Probably not. Probably just thinks I’m the worst mom in the world. She wouldn’t say anything though if she did, which is why I keep my mouth close. But I’m really having a hard time.

What would you do? Take a break or say something?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don’t like or respect her. Why are you pretending, again?

[Anonymous]

You took a lot of time to write this so not sure why you haven't just said this exact thing to her. A true friend would say these things with the express idea of wanting to help, not surt. Maybe she'll surprise you and actually listen to your opinion and get her DS the help he needs, assuming all of what you said is true. If she doesn't listen then do you really want her in your life? She sounds like a lot of work, and sounds chaotic.

[Anonymous]

Your post gives me the impression that there’s just a whole lot of different personalities in the mix and that rules heavier than parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You took a lot of time to write this so not sure why you haven't just said this exact thing to her. A true friend would say these things with the express idea of wanting to help, not surt. Maybe she'll surprise you and actually listen to your opinion and get her DS the help he needs, assuming all of what you said is true. If she doesn't listen then do you really want her in your life? She sounds like a lot of work, and sounds chaotic.

*hurt

[Anonymous]

I would have said something ages ago and pulled away. I have found I'm not capable of being friends with people who are bad parents. If they parent differently than me? Fine. Formula instead of nursing? Fine. Homeschooling instead of traditional? Fine. But zero consequences for bad behaviors? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have said something ages ago and pulled away. I have found I'm not capable of being friends with people who are bad parents. If they parent differently than me? Fine. Formula instead of nursing? Fine. Homeschooling instead of traditional? Fine. But zero consequences for bad behaviors? Nope.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don’t like or respect her. Why are you pretending, again?

I do like her, or I did. But her entire personality had been replaced. Sometimes I wonder if it’s PPD that manifested.

As far as respect. I respect a lot about her. She’s incredibly smart. A hard worker. One of the best coworkers I’ve ever had. A brilliant academic.

As a parent, no. I don’t really. She’s not abusive but I do think she’s setting her child up for failure and the main reason he’s so unlikable is because of her.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP. I empathize.

I've written on DCUM about my good friend and her husband who have been in complete denial about their child's disabilities since she was very little. I had several honest conversations with both her and her husband. They were kind enough not to be offended, but they didn't act on any of it: they did make an appointment with a psychologist, but they ended up yelling at her. They're the type to demand multiple meetings with the Principal, blame all the teachers for not accommodating their child, etc. They ended up homeschooling, and even then, keep complaining about the online teachers she has for any class that's even the slightest bit rigorous, because the poor thing can't keep up - none of the disabilities have been addressed.

I have a child with similar issues and got her all the help she needed, and they can see her progress and the outcomes. Now our kids are in the college admission process and the differences are night and day, because their child's issues just snowballed and they blamed everyone instead of getting her the help she needed.

I DON'T GET IT. It makes me horribly sad for their child.

So. For the principle of the thing, I would have an honest conversation with her, knowing she might be offended and pull away. But it's getting to the point where you're ready to pull away yourself, right? So speak up, with love. The problem is that she might not be capable of following through, but at least your conscience will be clear.

[Anonymous]

He acted up significantly at school and you only did no Nintendo for a week. Oh my.. so you write a lengthy post criticizing her when you are a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don’t like or respect her. Why are you pretending, again?

I do like her, or I did. But her entire personality had been replaced. Sometimes I wonder if it’s PPD that manifested.

As far as respect. I respect a lot about her. She’s incredibly smart. A hard worker. One of the best coworkers I’ve ever had. A brilliant academic.

As a parent, no. I don’t really. She’s not abusive but I do think she’s setting her child up for failure and the main reason he’s so unlikable is because of her.

So be her friend, don’t be her parenting judge and jury. WTF? I don’t act that way with my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh OP. I empathize.

I've written on DCUM about my good friend and her husband who have been in complete denial about their child's disabilities since she was very little. I had several honest conversations with both her and her husband. They were kind enough not to be offended, but they didn't act on any of it: they did make an appointment with a psychologist, but they ended up yelling at her. They're the type to demand multiple meetings with the Principal, blame all the teachers for not accommodating their child, etc. They ended up homeschooling, and even then, keep complaining about the online teachers she has for any class that's even the slightest bit rigorous, because the poor thing can't keep up - none of the disabilities have been addressed.

I have a child with similar issues and got her all the help she needed, and they can see her progress and the outcomes. Now our kids are in the college admission process and the differences are night and day, because their child's issues just snowballed and they blamed everyone instead of getting her the help she needed.

I DON'T GET IT. It makes me horribly sad for their child.

So. For the principle of the thing, I would have an honest conversation with her, knowing she might be offended and pull away. But it's getting to the point where you're ready to pull away yourself, right? So speak up, with love. The problem is that she might not be capable of following through, but at least your conscience will be clear.

Yes. It is frustrating. And I don’t know if their child has an learning disability m. My guess maybe ADHD? But she’s very against labels. And she knows I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a teen because my parents refused to “label” me and it made my life hell. Totally thought I was just dumb. The label helped me get what I needed and thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He acted up significantly at school and you only did no Nintendo for a week. Oh my.. so you write a lengthy post criticizing her when you are a problem.

Oh, don’t worry we beat him too.

[Anonymous]

I'd start pulling away now. Things are just going to get more difficult with that type of dynamic as the kids age. You don't want this affecting your kid. Either with copying the behavior or being targeted by this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He acted up significantly at school and you only did no Nintendo for a week. Oh my.. so you write a lengthy post criticizing her when you are a problem.

From OP's description, the school and home consequences were entirely appropriate. Her son was not violent or aggressive. He just made a mess in the bathroom.