Am I jealous of MIL, or just frustrated?

[Anonymous]

DH has a strange relationship with his mother. She had him at 16 and never really matured past that age. She’s emotionally immature and causes a lot of grief in his life. Their relationship is so forced and awkward. In the over a decade we’ve been married I can think of five instances off the top of my head in which they’ve engaged in an estrangement, always prompted by her mistreatment of DH. The thing is, he always instantly forgives and forgets like nothing happened only for it to happen again and again. It’s like a never ending cycle, which for me, as his sounding board and shoulder to cry on during these estrangements, is a hard thing to watch. It’s like he’s desperately hoping she will become the mother he’s always wanted *this time*.

So I’m always shocked when I feel jealous of certain things. Like today, for example; DH had a business meeting near his mother’s house. In order to get there, he has to pass my office. I have a very flexible work day. So when I found out today that he visited his mother while he was on that side of town, I immediately found myself jealous. Now, if this were a story I heard from someone else, I would find it endearing! How sweet, to make an unexpected visit to your mom. At first I thought I was jealous, because like I said, with my flexible schedule we could have had lunch. But the more I dwell on it, the more I realize it wasn’t even about a missed lunch opportunity, I think I’m just frustrated that he’s so desperate for that sort of mother-son relationship that he will do anything, even skip an opportunity to surprise me, and I know he’s wasting his time because the clock is ticking on the next time they are on the outs again and he will turn to me and expect support.

I don’t even know what my question is or what help I’m looking for. Does my post even make sense to anyone? I’m so tired of feeling jealous (or frustrated) with someone who is honestly such an ugly person inside! Why would I feel jealous of that?

[Anonymous]

You see him every day, dumbazz. He can have lunch with his mom. You have issues if you don’t think it’s OK that he had lunch with his mom while he was near her.

“AN OPPORTUNITY TO SURPRISE ME” you are a lot.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she has arrested development at 16, which is super common among teen pregnancies. I'm wondering why you seem to also have arrested development...

[Anonymous]

I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

[Anonymous]

Is the roots of your narcissism and immaturity also in some kind of childhood trauma or failure-to-mature dynamic? “An opportunity to surprise me.” That’s maybe the most insecure, selfish thing I’ve heard on DCUM. Let that sink in. Dude had lunch with his mom instead of the wife he sees every day.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like his mom is sucking up a lot of his emotional energy and attention, and I don't think you'd be feeling the way you feel if he also spent a good amount of his emotional energy and attention on you. You're probably feeling a little neglected and giving more to this relationship than you get, emotionally at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the roots of your narcissism and immaturity also in some kind of childhood trauma or failure-to-mature dynamic? “An opportunity to surprise me.” That’s maybe the most insecure, selfish thing I’ve heard on DCUM. Let that sink in. Dude had lunch with his mom instead of the wife he sees every day.

I don’t enjoy being this way, that’s why I’m trying to get to the root of the problem!

And no, we haven’t been spending a lot of time together lately, both dealing with lots of busy-ness at work, not a lot of 1:1 time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like both his mom and you are immature OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both his mom and you are immature OP.

I hate myself for this! What can I do to change my feelings?

[Anonymous]

If my mom lived around where my wife worked, and I was in the area, yeah I would probably see my mom if I had time. I’m with my wife everyday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both his mom and you are immature OP.

I hate myself for this! What can I do to change my feelings?

Go to a therapist. You sound very stunted. And weird. With odd priorities and an odd outlook. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

Maybe he wanted to have a connection with his mother, who—like it or not—is someone who is important to him, even though she is imperfect. He supports and sees you every single day, and you begrudge him a lunch? You are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both his mom and you are immature OP.

I hate myself for this! What can I do to change my feelings?

I know the answer to this!

I was sort of like you. Once I got really hurt and upset about something, and I realized that I had spent too much of my energies "being there" for DH and was just expecting him to reciprocate. He thought that since we saw each other every day, it made no sense to spend quality time together. But I've always believed that relationships are important and worth investing in, so I made dates non-negotiable. I also went to therapy myself and that made me feel better about the fact that I have emotional needs and it's reasonable to expect DH to meet a few of them.

And the next time he wants a sounding board for his issues with his mom, suggest he see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

Maybe he wanted to have a connection with his mother, who—like it or not—is someone who is important to him, even though she is imperfect. He supports and sees you every single day, and you begrudge him a lunch? You are crazy.

How do we know he supports her?