Am I jealous of MIL, or just frustrated?

[Anonymous]

OP is nuts. Me me me me me me me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

Maybe he wanted to have a connection with his mother, who—like it or not—is someone who is important to him, even though she is imperfect. He supports and sees you every single day, and you begrudge him a lunch? You are crazy.

How do we know he supports her?

Even if he does the bare minimum of chores, child care and income, he supports OP. It’s a marriage. He’s with OP every damn day. And she begrudges him a lunch with his mom? What a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

Maybe he wanted to have a connection with his mother, who—like it or not—is someone who is important to him, even though she is imperfect. He supports and sees you every single day, and you begrudge him a lunch? You are crazy.

How do we know he supports her?

Even if he does the bare minimum of chores, child care and income, he supports OP. It’s a marriage. He’s with OP every damn day. And she begrudges him a lunch with his mom? What a piece of work.

I didn’t begrudge him anything. I haven’t spoken a word of this to him, these are just the thoughts that go through my head! He knows nothing of how I feel about his mother, I don’t make it his problem.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on OP.

OP, it’s okay that you are frustrated with your DH’s endless cycle of trying to make him mom into someone she isn’t and then you have to help pick up the pieces time and time again when the same thing happens.

I think it’s worth some dialogue with your husband when it’s NOT in the middle of drama with his mom about what he hopes their relationship will be like, what keeps them from having that, how he feels about this relating cycle, etc. It really does sound like he needs therapy on how to move past his childhood and the fact that his mom will NEVER be who he hopes she will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the roots of your narcissism and immaturity also in some kind of childhood trauma or failure-to-mature dynamic? “An opportunity to surprise me.” That’s maybe the most insecure, selfish thing I’ve heard on DCUM. Let that sink in. Dude had lunch with his mom instead of the wife he sees every day.

Maybe he chose someone just like his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the roots of your narcissism and immaturity also in some kind of childhood trauma or failure-to-mature dynamic? “An opportunity to surprise me.” That’s maybe the most insecure, selfish thing I’ve heard on DCUM. Let that sink in. Dude had lunch with his mom instead of the wife he sees every day.

I don’t enjoy being this way, that’s why I’m trying to get to the root of the problem!

And no, we haven’t been spending a lot of time together lately, both dealing with lots of busy-ness at work, not a lot of 1:1 time.

Ok. Then address that instead of expecting your husband to be a mind reader.

[Anonymous]

OP: my husband has a similar dynamic with his mother. His mother is a horrible person but he has never stopped yearning for her to be the mother he needed. He’s 60 now…she’s 80. The dynamic still exists. I share this because the likelihood of your husband continuing in this cycle is pretty high so you’re going to need to conserve your energy about little stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: my husband has a similar dynamic with his mother. His mother is a horrible person but he has never stopped yearning for her to be the mother he needed. He’s 60 now…she’s 80. The dynamic still exists. I share this because the likelihood of your husband continuing in this cycle is pretty high so you’re going to need to conserve your energy about little stuff like this.

+1. And be more vocal about what you want from your husband. “I feel like we are 2 ships passing in the night. I don’t like feeling this way. Let’s schedule some dates.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

Maybe he wanted to have a connection with his mother, who—like it or not—is someone who is important to him, even though she is imperfect. He supports and sees you every single day, and you begrudge him a lunch? You are crazy.

How do we know he supports her?

Even if he does the bare minimum of chores, child care and income, he supports OP. It’s a marriage. He’s with OP every damn day. And she begrudges him a lunch with his mom? What a piece of work.

Why are you raving and ranting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on OP.

OP, it’s okay that you are frustrated with your DH’s endless cycle of trying to make him mom into someone she isn’t and then you have to help pick up the pieces time and time again when the same thing happens.

I think it’s worth some dialogue with your husband when it’s NOT in the middle of drama with his mom about what he hopes their relationship will be like, what keeps them from having that, how he feels about this relating cycle, etc. It really does sound like he needs therapy on how to move past his childhood and the fact that his mom will NEVER be who he hopes she will be.

I hope if OP does have a discussion with her husband about her feelings, she will omit the part of how this particular day was a “missed opportunity to surprise her” with lunch at work. Because then DH’s eyeballs will get stuck in the back of his head, and that won’t help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you guys don't go on a lot of dates.

You spend a lot of time listening to his issues. Does he spend a lot of time listening to yours? Is he your sounding board too?

Actually no, we don’t, and no, he doesn’t. We are dealing with a lot of life stress at the moment which was part of what triggered me, since we haven’t been connecting lately. That’s not to say we are having problems, just that life is happening a lot right now, so this surprise connection would have been nice.

Maybe he wanted to have a connection with his mother, who—like it or not—is someone who is important to him, even though she is imperfect. He supports and sees you every single day, and you begrudge him a lunch? You are crazy.

How do we know he supports her?

Even if he does the bare minimum of chores, child care and income, he supports OP. It’s a marriage. He’s with OP every damn day. And she begrudges him a lunch with his mom? What a piece of work.

I didn’t begrudge him anything. I haven’t spoken a word of this to him, these are just the thoughts that go through my head! He knows nothing of how I feel about his mother, I don’t make it his problem.

Why don’t you tell him how you feel. “Listen, I know you are always going to seek your moms approval. That is ok, but it is very hard for me to support you through the various estrangements knowing your pattern is always to reconcile. You need to consider whether a therapist would be a better third party to hear some of this. I cannot keep expending all this emotional energy trying to help you solve this when you always default back to the same pattern.”

[Anonymous]

He lives with you, so I am assuming he'll see you at dinner. So of course he would choose to see his mom, who he will NOT see at dinner.

Everything else you wrote is just fluff.

[Anonymous]

I get it…you feel like your marriage isn’t great and you wish he’d invest time in that bc you are a willing partner.

Instead he’s chasing after his mommy who treats him like crap and when she gives him the sads, he runs and dumps on you.

Personally, I’d tell him his mom is an old hag who doesn’t deserve his time, but, you don’t seem confrontational…so, maybe do things to work on your marriage (date night, therapy) and when he dumps mommy drama on you, tell him you’re done listening to that bc it’s the same story. Then just remove yourself from anything to do with his mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, virtual hug. Good on you for trying to understand your feelings.

You're spotting some patterns, it sounds like.

I also recommend therapy; it will help you understand why you feel a certain way, you will become more conscious of your reactions and your needs.

You can't force a change upon your husband, but if he is willing to get therapy, he probably should.

In the meantime, schedule a few things to reconnect with your DH, and express interest in having each of you schedule quality time together.

[Anonymous]

So you will see him at night, but you are upset that he went to lunch with his mother? Who does not live with him?

And that he wants to have a loving mother, but he can't? So inste4ad of being supportive as a partner to someone that has issues with his parent, you end up jealous?