Do you have any family members whose lives went totally off the rails?

[Anonymous]

Like headed on one trajectory and then radically altered? If so why?

[Anonymous]

Yes, sibling
Multiple degrees, big-name consulting job out of college, beautiful, smart.
Got in a relationship where they started drinking heavily, relationship ended, believe they ended up addicted to painkillers, lost job, had to sell condo, lives in our parents’ house.

[Anonymous]

Posted about my uncle before and don’t feel like writing whole thing out but poor blue collar family -> lawyer and homeowner in extremely wealthy town -> alcoholic living in my parents’ basement -> scraping by in retirement

[Anonymous]

Yes. And then eventually they made a different lives for themselves. That includes me. I had to quit my job at a critical time in career to look after my firstborn with special needs. Killed my career.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my brother. Had every advantage in life. Rejected them all, chose a life of drugs and alcohol. Has spent time in jail for multiple DUIs. Can't hold a steady job and blames everyone else for his problems.

[Anonymous]

Me. Comfortable middle class lifestyle with two kids - left husband and had to start over completely. Was in abject poverty (food stamps etc). Got a masters degree, remarried, have a much higher HHI now than I did with my first husband - but Jesus, was it hard.

[Anonymous]

Yes, sibling. Addiction.

[Anonymous]

YEsssssss, sibling in the thick of it now. Foreclosure, eviction, homelessness and financial abuse from husband. Oh, and lots of mental health issues as well.

[Anonymous]

So what do you all do? how much are you helping the siblings whose lives went off the rails? Especially when they had advantages but didn't listen or chose to be manipulative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my brother. Had every advantage in life. Rejected them all, chose a life of drugs and alcohol. Has spent time in jail for multiple DUIs. Can't hold a steady job and blames everyone else for his problems.

+1 to the brother and this "Can't hold a steady job and blames everyone else for his problems." No drugs, just alcohol, and the only jail time was overnight for one DUI. Also, divorce, bankruptcy, and a near foreclosure.

[Anonymous]

Golden boy. Left a prestigious university just a few credits short of graduation. Moved to the west coast and was a programmer working on early video streaming for porn sites. Hung out with sh**ty people and partied, messed up his body and mind, died in his 40s. You can tell someone that you see them struggling and encourage them to seek help, provide resources to get that help, but ultimately it's up to the individual. Is there a word for slow suicide? I have multiple cousins who knew they would die if they kept going and they kept going.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s slow motion train wreck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Golden boy. Left a prestigious university just a few credits short of graduation. Moved to the west coast and was a programmer working on early video streaming for porn sites. Hung out with sh**ty people and partied, messed up his body and mind, died in his 40s. You can tell someone that you see them struggling and encourage them to seek help, provide resources to get that help, but ultimately it's up to the individual. Is there a word for slow suicide? I have multiple cousins who knew they would die if they kept going and they kept going.

DP. I have three cousins like this. They’re half-siblings, actually, but weren’t raised together. They appeared to be raised MC and certainly had the basics, but all three kids (two who were raised together + their half-sibling) did one more of the following: jail time, heroin, sex offending or heavy alcohol use. All women FWIW. Their parents have been married for over 35 years and had always seemed like good people. Two of the siblings dropped out HS. One got her LPN then RN and pulled her life together dramatically and is clean. Had a teen pregnancy.

The sister she was raised with, I genuinely worry is going to pass away by age 30. She’s still late 20s. She also had a teen pregnancy, followed by another in her early 20s. Both of the babies’ fathers died of ODs in quick succession. She is a heroin addict and her kids were taken away from her. Kid #2 was adopted out to his uncle on the opposite coast. Kid #1 is being raised by both sets of grandparents.

What the half-sibling did is too horrific to detail, but she is severely anorexic and unhoused.

Something really awful had to have happened, or rather, something really important was lacking in this household. The siblings’ parent who is the parent of their stepsister did not did raise her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what do you all do? how much are you helping the siblings whose lives went off the rails? Especially when they had advantages but didn't listen or chose to be manipulative?

Not helping at all

[Anonymous]

My brother was like this. Attended Ivy League schools and was also a consultant at a very prestigious firm. He seemed to have a great life - wealth, girlfriend, traveled a ton, lots of friends.

The details were always murky but he had a disagreement with a client over something and ended up getting fired (it was a big client the company couldn’t afford to lose). His self worth was wrapped up in his job, and after not being able to find another job it sent him on a downward spiral - he started drinking around the clock and landed in the hospital to detox a few times. About 5 years later he had a heart attack at the age of 45 and died (it was related to the drinking).

In response to your question, at first we were all there for him and tried to do anything we could to get him out of the house, help him out, see a therapist. We were overly accommodating which translated into enabling. He didn’t want help or to get better which made it an impossible situation. My parents offered to send him to fancy rehabs but he refused to go. After a few years of this everyone gave up and kind of just left him alone. We would invite him to family events and sometimes he would show up drunk, sometimes not at all. We were getting ready to do a staged intervention when he died. My parents feel like they failed him, but I truly don’t know what more they could have done. You have to want to help yourself and he did not.