My first grader has no friends and it breaks my heart
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Anonymous
| My first-grade son (almost 7) has no friends, and it makes me so, so sad. He desperately wants to connect, but doesn't quite know how. He struggles with emotional regulation, and can be difficult to be around sometimes. When he was younger, it was fine, because kids have short memories and forgave more easily. Now that they are older, though, his peers are distancing themselves from my son because his behavior can be so unpredictable: one day he's sweet, funny, silly, helpful, considerate, and a blast to be around; the next he is on a hair trigger and mean (but never physical). I don't blame these kids - I wouldn't want to hang out with someone so unpredictable, either. But he's never invited to playdates or birthday parties and it breaks our hearts (and, although he won't admit it, his too). His only friend is his big sister (10), and they have an amazing and genuine connection, but I can tell that he wants more friends. He's incredibly smart, and actually has pretty impressive emotional intelligence, he just doesn't know how to connect with his peers in a positive way. For whatever it's worth, he identifies as male but has never been into typical boy stuff, and has always marched to his own beat (wears rainbow clothes when all the other boys are wearing navy, etc., which we fully support him in). He's seeing his school counselor and we are on a zillion waitlists for a private therapist, but are a loss for how to help him in the meantime. Any suggestions or empathy would be so appreciated. I feel very alone in this, and it hurts. |
Anonymous
| Move this to the special needs forum - they will have some helpful resources and suggestions. |
Anonymous
OP here: I'd be happy to repost in that forum if it's the right one, but he's never been diagnosed with special needs, and his teachers, school counselor, and pediatrician have never mentioned any potential diagnoses. I think he's just a tough kid sometimes (and delightful at other times). |
Anonymous
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I don't mean this in a cruel way, but he's not THAT emotionally intelligent if he can't connect his hair trigger temper and being mean with not having friends. It sounds like he gets bursts of anger and doesn't know how to calm himself down, so anger management would help him.
1. You can start the basics of this at home - getting him to recognize when he's feeling the rush of anger (that's about to come out of his mouth) - does his breathing change? does he make fists with his hands? can he feel his blood pressure go up? 2. Then, what to do in the immediate moment - commit to keeping his mouth shut! "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Walk away, if possible. 3. Get the anger out of his body. At home, go shoot baskets in the driveway, get a punching bag, jump on a trampoline - anything physical but with minimal risk (if he goes blind with rage, riding his bike is a bad idea - will be in the mood to take bigger risks). At school, talk with the teacher one on one and ask if when he's upset he can raise his hand with three fingers up (or whatever) to indicate he needs a time out and the teacher says yes, so he's cleared to go for a walk around the halls (there needs to be a specific route/loop). Go to a quiet corner, fiddle with silly putty or fidget spinner or something like that. |
Anonymous
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Maybe an activity? If he likes art, an art class. If he likes movement, a gym class. Maybe kids who only see him in this different context and for shorter time.might be a place to start connecting again. Give him a fresh page and chance to build new relationships.
Agree with talking about triggers and body connections to help him see what is happening. Whole Brain child has good ways to talk to kids |
Anonymous
| The previous two posts have excellent, and complementary, advice. |
Anonymous
| My kid was the same and has really blossomed at 10. Don’t worry too much. Just stay steady keeping him involved in the world and cultivate any friendships that emerge. |
Anonymous
My kid has a hair trigger and is very emotionally intelligent. You can be emotionally intelligent and have impulse control challenges. Ultimately he will have to be more emotionally intelligent than kids who have a less sensitive nervous system. |
Anonymous
OP again - this is the toughest part. He makes the connection between his moodiness and pushing people away, but can only control his responses some of the time. Like the other day he came home from school and told me "It was a hectic morning, and that made me grouchy, and then everyone was yelling and I got really angry and frustrated. But then at recess I realized that my bad mood might make other people have a bad day, so I decided to turn my attitude around." That is a verbatim quote. So clearly he can sometimes rein in his emotions, but other times just loses control of them. |
Anonymous
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Maybe that is a good place to start. "Warn" others. I am feeling a little grouchy. Can I have a little space?" "My morning was rushed and that makes me sad. I will play with you later." That might at least help be more "predictable" to others and help him not get flooded and explode.
We do that with our oldest. She can say "I need some space" at any time and we grant it. Helps her feel in control and limits how often other people "bother" her until she gets overwhelmed. |
Anonymous
| I think it can be hard for a lot of kids to make friends at that age. My son had very few friends, and when they weren't in his class he rarely made new ones. However, I helped him by getting involved with the other parents, arranging group playdates, hosting parties where all the kids and the whole class was invited, and so on. We were always invited to birthday parties - actually, most people invited the whole class if they could - but if you invite others then you get invited back, and if you go to their parties they usually come to yours. I mean, even arranging something at a park would give him a chance to socialize without the pressures of school. In many classrooms today there is little to no socialization allowed, making it very hard for some kids to connect. |
Anonymous
Poor kid. In my experience, teachers rarely mention anything and pediatricians don't know kids well enough. Unless you've asked and they've specifically said his behavior is in the range of normal, I would not read anything into their silence. It sounds like he struggles a lot with impulse control. He deserves to get help, which requires a full evaluation. |
Anonymous
| Aw OP this makes me sad because I’m a very inclusive person and hyper-aware of the “outcasts”. I credit that though to my mom and one of my friend’s moms growing up. We were among the “popular” crowd in school so didn’t need to expand friend groups, but our moms were constantly “making” us invite people we wouldn’t have invited ourselves to all sorts of stuff. People I wouldn’t have hung out with for a minute in the halls of middle school quickly became “friends”. The more you’re around people, the more you naturally care about them. So maybe you can find an ally in a parent who will include your son more often, or just start hosting at your house and be the “cool” hangout spot. Hope the best for you! |
Anonymous
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My youngest (boy) also had no friends last year in first grade which I found so strange since he’s always playing with kids he meets on the playground right away, etc… I asked his teacher about it a few times to no avail.
This year though in second grade he has a best friend who we’ve had multiple times over for play dates, etc which has made me so happy. I’m honestly not sure what changed because his bff was also in the same class with him last year. His teacher said that there are lots of sporty boys who love playing sports during recess and then there are those who are more into imaginative play which is how these two started playing together. So don’t give up hope, it can still happen. |
Anonymous
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You (or Dad, or a therapist) need to give him strategies to deal with unpleasant emotions so he isn't acting volatile and turning friends off. If he has annoying habits, don't sugarcoat it at home. "[Doing X] is hurting my ears, please stop or do that in your room."
Have him spend time with a loving adult role model who is not a parent. Aunt or uncle or grandparent, etc. Good influences who don't have the bias of living in the home are great. Outdoor play goes a long way in managing kids' moods and impulsive behavior. Get him in an unconventional activity -- theater, dance, horseback riding, archery, whatever. Even the "weird kid" can find their tribe that way. I was one of them! |