My first grader has no friends and it breaks my heart

[Anonymous]

You have to put yourself, and your child, out there. Look for opportunities. Sign up for things. Invite his sister's friends who have younger siblings of compatible ages for a playdate in the park.

Also, and this sounds awfully instrumental, find families of other kids who have issues: autism, ADHD, emotional regulation, and do your best to befriend them. Because these are also kids who are also likely desperate for friendships and they, and their families, are not spoiled for choice any more than you are.

Anonymous wrote: For whatever it's worth, he identifies as male but has never been into typical boy stuff, and has always marched to his own beat (wears rainbow clothes when all the other boys are wearing navy, etc., which we fully support him in).

Fine, I'll touch the third rail. "The true individualist has the courage to wear a mask", and all that. Life may get a bit easier with more outward conformance - ie, a more boring wardrobe. Male hierarchy is also much more physical. Find a sport he's willing to do -- soccer? tennis? martial arts? Gymnastics and dance, even, would give him more strength and coordination, and that's going to pay off, in terms of status,and in addition to the improved social opportunities that come with the activity. Increased exercise also may help with emotional regulation & tamp down on anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. It is so tough. We’re in the same boat with my 1st grade daughter, who has lost some friendships from last year for similar issues. In our case, she struggles with emotional regulation, impulsivity and anxiety. I also think some underlying ADHD is there. We’re talking a lot at home about the various social interactions that didn’t go well, helping her reprocess and think about how to do things differently next time. We signed her up for a social skills group. I reached out to the school, which is arranging for counseling in a small group of 5 kids with the school social worker. She has one friend in another class that we make an effort to see outside of school (we like the parents too). I think that having one or two friends outside of the immediate class or school could be helpful because at least for us, it allows for our daughter to interact with kids in a less stressful environment (she gets overwhelmed at school). Someone on this board previously recommended the book “Growing Friendships,” which she is reading with our help. There doesn’t seem to be an easy one-step solution, unfortunately. I wish there was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this in a cruel way, but he's not THAT emotionally intelligent if he can't connect his hair trigger temper and being mean with not having friends. It sounds like he gets bursts of anger and doesn't know how to calm himself down, so anger management would help him.

1. You can start the basics of this at home - getting him to recognize when he's feeling the rush of anger (that's about to come out of his mouth) - does his breathing change? does he make fists with his hands? can he feel his blood pressure go up?

2. Then, what to do in the immediate moment - commit to keeping his mouth shut! "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Walk away, if possible.

3. Get the anger out of his body. At home, go shoot baskets in the driveway, get a punching bag, jump on a trampoline - anything physical but with minimal risk (if he goes blind with rage, riding his bike is a bad idea - will be in the mood to take bigger risks). At school, talk with the teacher one on one and ask if when he's upset he can raise his hand with three fingers up (or whatever) to indicate he needs a time out and the teacher says yes, so he's cleared to go for a walk around the halls (there needs to be a specific route/loop). Go to a quiet corner, fiddle with silly putty or fidget spinner or something like that.

My kid has a hair trigger and is very emotionally intelligent. You can be emotionally intelligent and have impulse control challenges. Ultimately he will have to be more emotionally intelligent than kids who have a less sensitive nervous system.

Op, I just want to commend you for nipping this (the impulse control) in the bud. Your future adult son also thanks you.

[Anonymous]

It’s the moodiness and meanness. No one wants to be around someone who is mean.

The other stuff doesn’t matter. Most kids do not care about the rainbows or whatever else he is into. They do care about him killing the vibe.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. I would also suggest to sign him up for Cub Scouts. My DD has always struggled with socializing and scouting and other scheduled activities have helped bridge the gap. Now in MS she has made a few friends who she hangs out with sans scheduled activities.

[Anonymous]

Maybe get him evaluated by an occupational therapist for executive function and impulse control. My kids went to OT for about a year or so around kindergarten, and it was a really positive experience.

[Anonymous]

You’re looking for children’s friendship training. Autism not required.

https://childmind.org/care/areas-of-expertise/autism-clinical-center/childrens-friendship-training/

[Anonymous]

He may have anxiety. Sounds like a sensitive kid.

I would just give it time… my oldest didn’t make a best friend at school until 2nd grade and now he has a tight group of friends and is thriving.

My youngest is in K and still closer to preschool friends than school friends. There is some anxiety there so we are working with OT on Zones of Regulation. Don’t forget this age group was hit hard by COVID and probably has some social development catch up to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this in a cruel way, but he's not THAT emotionally intelligent if he can't connect his hair trigger temper and being mean with not having friends. It sounds like he gets bursts of anger and doesn't know how to calm himself down, so anger management would help him.

OP again - this is the toughest part. He makes the connection between his moodiness and pushing people away, but can only control his responses some of the time. Like the other day he came home from school and told me "It was a hectic morning, and that made me grouchy, and then everyone was yelling and I got really angry and frustrated. But then at recess I realized that my bad mood might make other people have a bad day, so I decided to turn my attitude around." That is a verbatim quote. So clearly he can sometimes rein in his emotions, but other times just loses control of them.

He is still young. With this much introspection he'll learn techniques to remove himself when needed and will find the kids he does well around. It sounds like he and you are doing the right things and just need to be patient.

[Anonymous]

My son started an initiative for helping teens with social anxiety and overall stress. If anyone has a kid 13-17 check it out! It is called Break The Barrier (breakthebarrierft.org) and he started it because he also dealt with social anxiety in his younger years. He had therapy and now is pretty social so that may be the best for you.

[Anonymous]

My child had a friend like this. The kid had erratic behavior and I coached my son to try to distance himself from him. The mom took this to the school and accused my son of bullying her son. Other parents and even the bus driver told me that the school was investigating and everyone said the other boy was at fault. The mom would then try to arrange play dates with me. Then a month later, she sent me long berating texts again about how my son was excluding and bullying her son. I never responded to the mom.

It has been years. The boy is fine but I have not once invited the kid over for a play date or birthday party. It is the kid and the mom. I want nothing to do with either one of them. My son has very occasionally asked if that boy could come over because he asked and I always say no. He is not one of my son’s close friends so he only asked like once every 6 months and it is only because the other boy asks my son.

[Anonymous]

I think that maturity will help, and that you should look for a private social skills group. You might enroll him in drama classes. That will involve taking on others’ roles and might help him remember their feelings, although it sounds like he is getting there. Rehearse with him what to do when he is frustrated and overwhelmed, and anticipate these settings or situations and help him make a plan. A lot of social skill and self-regulation work involves role-playing and anticipation.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. I bet this will improve with age as he gets better at managing his emotions. In the meantime, agree with working on strategies to manage his outbursts and also putting him in situations where he can make friends outside of school, like an art or drama class (or whatever he's interested in).

[Anonymous]

I have a 7 year old boy (first grader). He does not have any real friends, amd mostly it is due to his delay in emotional intelligence. He is silly, and sometimes he says something weird and he has difficulty picking up social cues. He also talks too much. He cannot tell me if he needs friendship or not, and he is immature. I hope one day he can click one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child had a friend like this. The kid had erratic behavior and I coached my son to try to distance himself from him. The mom took this to the school and accused my son of bullying her son. Other parents and even the bus driver told me that the school was investigating and everyone said the other boy was at fault. The mom would then try to arrange play dates with me. Then a month later, she sent me long berating texts again about how my son was excluding and bullying her son. I never responded to the mom.

It has been years. The boy is fine but I have not once invited the kid over for a play date or birthday party. It is the kid and the mom. I want nothing to do with either one of them. My son has very occasionally asked if that boy could come over because he asked and I always say no. He is not one of my son’s close friends so he only asked like once every 6 months and it is only because the other boy asks my son.

You just admitted to openly blocking the other kid in words and in action and yet you can't see how that may lead to accusations of excluding and bullying? You were rightfully called out for being a bully.