Should my boyfriend help me move?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are both 42 and divorced with kids. We've been together for a year. We live in separate apartments in downtown DC. My lease is coming up next month and I need to move to a different apartment, closer to m kids' school.

I am booking movers and packing everything. It would be great to have an extra set of hands on the day of, to help with logistics. My boyfriend hasn't offered to help me at all, but I would like to ask him. Do you think this is a reasonable request?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely! Broach it by saying you're hiring movers but would love an extra set of hands to manage logistics and ask if he is free. If he has his kids that day or some other commitment then I think its excusable, but no harm in asking.

[Anonymous]

I’d ask.

[Anonymous]

You’ve been dating for a year and aren’t comfortable having this conversation with him? Of course he should help if he’s able, but he probably thinks you have it covered.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s very weird that he has not offered to help at all.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think it’s a reasonable request. I also think that it’s reasonable for him to say: No, and I think it’s reasonable and supportive if he offered to help you with some aspects of the move, even if they’re not the parts that you’d like help with. I think that the more specific your ask is, the better — as in “logistics “ and explain what you mean by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been dating for a year and aren’t comfortable having this conversation with him? Of course he should help if he’s able, but he probably thinks you have it covered.

OP: I've been talking about it a lot and how the packing is a bit overwhelming; I guess I thought he'd offer. I never ask him to do anything for me really- never to help with my kids, or pick up something for me, or drive me anywhere. So I guess I'm feeling like I'm not getting much practical support from him in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been dating for a year and aren’t comfortable having this conversation with him? Of course he should help if he’s able, but he probably thinks you have it covered.

OP: I've been talking about it a lot and how the packing is a bit overwhelming; I guess I thought he'd offer. I never ask him to do anything for me really- never to help with my kids, or pick up something for me, or drive me anywhere. So I guess I'm feeling like I'm not getting much practical support from him in general.

Honestly, as a divorced woman in her late 40’s that’s had to manage my own stuff for so long, even when I was married, men we date don’t take on the same nurturer roles as the ones we dated when we were young. I think the gender roles blend a bit once we have been on our own for awhile as we get used to doing everything with minimal help and the men don’t feel as though they’re needed as much. And I have found that translates to less offers of help because we’re so capable. He’s probably just following your lead- you really haven’t needed him in the past in a supportive role so he assumes you’re good. I think you should just ask- he may be more than willing to help once he realizes you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been dating for a year and aren’t comfortable having this conversation with him? Of course he should help if he’s able, but he probably thinks you have it covered.

OP: I've been talking about it a lot and how the packing is a bit overwhelming; I guess I thought he'd offer. I never ask him to do anything for me really- never to help with my kids, or pick up something for me, or drive me anywhere. So I guess I'm feeling like I'm not getting much practical support from him in general.

You're expecting him to read your mind, but you're not telling him what you want. That's absolutely a recipe for resentment and frustration. It's reasonable for him to assume that a 42-year-old woman who's hiring movers has things under control. I think it's fine for you to ask. It's also fine for him to say that he isn't free that day or can't take time off or has his kids that day or whatever.

And why SHOULD he help you with your kids, or drive you places? You're both adults, and you both have your own kids. I'm not seeing why he's supposed to assume that you need help or chauffeuring if you aren't asking.

[Anonymous]

Helping people move is the worst. You hired movers. You’re a big girl yourself. Cut the guy a break. And when he moves don’t offer to help him either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s very weird that he has not offered to help at all.

This but if you have movers what’s he going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been dating for a year and aren’t comfortable having this conversation with him? Of course he should help if he’s able, but he probably thinks you have it covered.

OP: I've been talking about it a lot and how the packing is a bit overwhelming; I guess I thought he'd offer. I never ask him to do anything for me really- never to help with my kids, or pick up something for me, or drive me anywhere. So I guess I'm feeling like I'm not getting much practical support from him in general.

It is really strange that you are sitting there hoping he’ll ask like it’s some litmus test instead of just asking for help. You sound very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been dating for a year and aren’t comfortable having this conversation with him? Of course he should help if he’s able, but he probably thinks you have it covered.

OP: I've been talking about it a lot and how the packing is a bit overwhelming; I guess I thought he'd offer. I never ask him to do anything for me really- never to help with my kids, or pick up something for me, or drive me anywhere. So I guess I'm feeling like I'm not getting much practical support from him in general.

You're expecting him to read your mind, but you're not telling him what you want. That's absolutely a recipe for resentment and frustration. It's reasonable for him to assume that a 42-year-old woman who's hiring movers has things under control. I think it's fine for you to ask. It's also fine for him to say that he isn't free that day or can't take time off or has his kids that day or whatever.

And why SHOULD he help you with your kids, or drive you places? You're both adults, and you both have your own kids. I'm not seeing why he's supposed to assume that you need help or chauffeuring if you aren't asking.

This. It’s not fair to your boyfriend for you to expect him to read your mind. Maybe his mom was a total control freak around moved and didn’t want anyone’s help. He probably has no idea. He may also associate moves with something traumatic in his childhood and may try to avoid moving at all costs. Talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I would want help just because moving does suck. OP hasn’t stated where this relationship is going, if this is just a “for now” situation or if it’s something more. But if the latter, to me, this is part and parcel that kind of relationship. Being picked up from the airport, helping each other move, those are the things that soften the edges of life. Having sex and spending time together is nice, and if two divorceEd people are on the same page about only wanting that it makes sense. But I get the impression that that isn’t where the OP is at.

[Anonymous]

He hasn't offered at all? That's not your boyfriend.