Does anyone else not want to live to be very old?

[Anonymous]

I have a birthday coming up soon. I'm in perimenopause, and I've also been dealing with chronic pain issues for the last 9 years. And I do sort of have PTSD about it. My pain was unmanaged and VERY bad for several years, and I would have suicidal ideation (although I never acted upon anything). It's better now, but sometimes it flares, and I have a lot of anxiety about it.

Every time I talk to my mom, who is in her early 80s, she tells me about all of the horrible problems she has that the doctors don't take seriously. She basically says--well--that's just getting older. But I mean it's stuff like chronic migraines, not being able to sleep lying down because of heartburn (seriously, she has slept in a chair for over 10 years now), arthritis in her hands, these weird things called tori in her mouth and TMJ, chronic stomach problems that are very debilitating for at least a week out of every month, stabbing pains in her eyes, double vision at night, blood pressure that goes up and down very fast so she feels like she might faint....etc....it goes on and on, and she does go to doctors but they just don't know why and say she's okay. So, she just lives with it. And she doesn't have a lot of things going on in her life--which is her choice. She is afraid to travel because of her unpredictable health, which I understand.

And then I have this friend who is all rah rah about my birthday. It's very nice, but I don't want to live to be very old. People think that's such a weird thing to say. I'd like to die around 65. Of course, we don't get to choose, and I don't want to suffer. It's specifically the suffering of getting older I want to avoid. But when I hear about people who die very suddenly, I am sorry for their families, but I secretly think they were lucky. I think about people my age or younger suffering with cancer who are trying to hang on--maybe for their kids or because they want to live. But even when/if they recover, they're left with neuropathy and all kinds of other things from the drugs to kill the cancer.

I feel like there are no "golden years." We're taught about this vision of getting old and enjoying retirement, but I don't see that. I just see pain and suffering and more and more problems that no one knows how to fix. Is that really that weird? I know I have a skewed viewpoint because of my chronic pain. But I just don't understand why we, as society, sort of celebrate getting old (as much as we also invalidate and ignore old people).

[Anonymous]

After watching my parents fade into dementia and Alzheimers despite eating healthy, exercising and living a pretty good life, I don't want to see my 80s. Not thrilled about living past 74/75 except I need to make sure my kids are Ok and settled (one has SN and I feel like I may need to live forever if we don't get everything worked out for independent living).

Now I will say the one thing my parents did WRONG that may explain their horrible declines, is they never treated their mental health issues. Both struggled with rage and anxiety. Unmanaged and untreated mental health issues are a major risk factor. Dad at least knew how to cultivate friendships, mom has pseudofriends, but sees everyone as a threat or beneath her and I think that is bad for cognitive health.

So, I'd like to think by taking a holistic approach I will somehow avoid the awful doom, but I doubt it.Add to that physical pain and illness and it all sounds pretty awful. I really wish there were assisted suicide. I would like to get everything in order once I know I am headed onto dementia train...say my goodbyes and head on to a better place.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my late 60s and I hope I live through my 70s but not much farther. I live in a 55+ community and I know people from 50s-around 90 and while some of them are doing great even in their late 80s there are also many who have multiple serious health issues. I'd like to avoid that. I do have a few health issues but nothing that harshly impacts my life now. People here actually have a lot of fun on a daily basis, including me, like golfing, biking, socializing, swimming, walking, going to the beach or shopping, visiting family and having family visit them, etc. I'd like to enjoy this retirement life for about another ten years I think.

[Anonymous]

Totally. I fully plan to kill myself when I start going significantly downhill. Nobody will miss me. When people find out they'll just be like "Oh. That's too bad. Oh well." and move on with their lives. I can tie up all lose ends in one day. For some reason, in my death fantasy I die in another country, like Sweden (where I've never been and literally have zero ties except I've been to Ikea three times). Which is ridiculous, since our family burial plot is in NY. So I should do it there, so there's less to be dealt with.

[Anonymous]

77-80 seems ideal me

[Anonymous]

My mom is 80 and is still in excellent health, so I think it all depends on your health.

[Anonymous]

Check out DR. Ezekiel Emmanuel (Rahm’s brother). He recently did a follow up on a NYT article he did several years ago. I think he’s spot on. He doesn’t want chemo, major surgery after age 70.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had TMJ since my teens. While the likelihood of health problems may increase as you age, there aren’t certainties. A lot of general health is related to lifestyle. I’ve also had the heartburn problems since my mid 40s (I think partly due to a hernia and partly due to bad gut health. Eating probiotics helped a lot.)

Of my four grandparents (all of whom I think lived into their 80s), the two who never gave up smoking cigarettes (heavily), had severe health problems and a lot of pain. The grandfather who had smoked mostly cigars and given them up decades earlier (50s/early 60s?), had a heart attack when he was planting trees in his yard.

My parents are in their 70s. My mom had a terrible stroke in 2021 and it was basically a miracle she survived. While she had a terrible year, through the grace of God, the support of my father, and incredible hard work (she’s a formidable woman), she’s pretty much made a full recovery (just a slight tremor in one hand when she gets tired). She travels, drives herself around town, plays the piano, visits friends, crafts, walks over a mile a day, and does what she wants to do. I’m pretty sure she’s in better shape than I am at 51.

My father is slowing down some, but still leads a full life. He can no longer lift heavy things, and probably has to hire people for home/yard maintenance and repair he would have done previously. I don’t think he misses mowing the yard, and considering his handyman skills, the house is probably better off in tge hands of a professional. Meanwhile, last November, he drove my mom 900 miles for a holiday in Vegas and then 900 miles back home.

My ex-father-in-law is in his 80s. I think he’s slowing down a little now, but until recently, he was cycling (a lot) daily and would travel around the world scuba diving.

My ex-mother-in-law, unfortunately passed away several years ago in her 70s. She had been leading an active lifestyle, including playing tennis, being an avid gardener, and visiting us from Georgia every year.

I think you can have a high quality of life in your 80s. While there are, of course, a myriad of interacting variables, I think if you avoid smoking, minimize alcohol consumption, and have daily exercise (this is where I fall short) to maintain bone density, muscle tone, and cardiovascular health, your chances of having “golden” years rise significantly.

[Anonymous]

I want to live to 120

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely agree. Aging terrifies me. Dying at 65 sounds great to me.

[Anonymous]

I want to go out around 80. No desire to live to 100 like my grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Ok. I will be the outlier. I turned 50 this year and am happy to be getting older. Now, it helps that I am pretty healthy and feel good. But o know of many older people in their 80s that are healthy and happy as well. It doesn’t have to be all horrible as you age.

That said, I do also agree with no extreme medical measures (not sure how I will define this) after around age 70 or so. Basically I want to be old enough so see my kids established in life. Time with grandkids would be nice but not necessary.

[Anonymous]

You don't want to not grow old, you don't want to get unhealthy. Different things.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother still had great quality of life well into her 90s. So it will depend on how well I age.

[Anonymous]

The question is at what point would you rather be dead than alive.

You might think that is at one point now but, due to hedonic adaptation,it might be considerably later than you think.

That said, I have definitely had relatives that wanted to die some time before they did, but we don’t make that easy.