Weight issues/self esteem exacerbated by relationship with mom

[Anonymous]

I feel silly writing this. Just venting really. There was a thread in the teens sub forum about a mom with overweight daughter and it made me think of my own mom-daughter issues. I was calling my mom to have our daily talk. I have a younger brother who my mom/grandmother always considered gorgeous and never failed to point out how they would have loved if I looked more like him. I was slightly overweight as a teen maybe 5-10 lbs extra, but gained the dreaded freshman 20. I remember my mom telling me that year that no one will love me because of my weight or when my hair was oily that no man would look at a woman who did not take care of herself. The summer after my freshman year, we vacationed in spain as a family. Today my mom tells me remember the time when you and your brother went clubbing, he got in and you did not pass “face control”. So here I am in my mid 40s, 20+ years later, crying while waiting for one of my kids to finish skiing. I am literally sitting in a cafe at Liberty and can’t stop crying. This never happened that I did not get into a club. In her brain it somehow transformed that her gorgeous son was let into an exclusive club because he is so gorgeous and her fat daughter was not allowed to go in. Again this never happened, and I don’t know where she got this from. I am feeling extremely vulnerable right now. I said good bye and hung up. This brought all the memories of things that were ever said to me about my weight. My low self esteem has affected my relationships with men. I was on a sprint to find a boyfriend, no matter who it was just to have a boyfriend. I saw that a symbol of status as proof that someone will love me. I am married with kids now. i married my first boyfriend. We do not have a happy marriage but not entirely an unhappy one. I have since lost the weight through a combination of diet pills, yo yo diets, etc. Never had a healthy relationship with food or with myself. I have a very successful career and people think that I am uber confident. Not true at all. Here Inam reduced to a puddle of snot over one remark. This is part vent part warning. Please be. instill of how your words affect your children.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry.
My mother was an extremely controlled eater. She wanted her kids "skinny", my dad's side was well fat.

Well I am my paternal side.

I have food issues and weight issues for sure. Age 55 I stopped talking to her for many reasons. I have now lost over 30 pounds and my mental health so much better.

Not saying you shoudl do that, but know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Why do you talk to your mother every day?
You should limit it to once a week.
Work on setting some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should talk to your mother less. But also, you need to separate that being fat means being ugly. They are two separate things. I know skinny people who are ugly and fat people who are beautiful.

[Anonymous]

It’s infuriating when they latch on to something minor or even fabricated from years ago and keep holding it against you isn’t it?

My dad does the same thing. Because my name wasn’t in the program when I graduated college 15 years ago (I just didn’t turn in the form because I didn’t even want to go to the ceremony), in my dad’s mind it means I came close to not finishing my degree (not true, I had a 3.8 GPA!) and uses it against me when bringing up all the ways that I have messed my life up and don’t measure up.

I wish I had better advice. But just know you’re not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel silly writing this. Just venting really. There was a thread in the teens sub forum about a mom with overweight daughter and it made me think of my own mom-daughter issues. I was calling my mom to have our daily talk. I have a younger brother who my mom/grandmother always considered gorgeous and never failed to point out how they would have loved if I looked more like him. I was slightly overweight as a teen maybe 5-10 lbs extra, but gained the dreaded freshman 20. I remember my mom telling me that year that no one will love me because of my weight or when my hair was oily that no man would look at a woman who did not take care of herself. The summer after my freshman year, we vacationed in spain as a family. Today my mom tells me remember the time when you and your brother went clubbing, he got in and you did not pass “face control”. So here I am in my mid 40s, 20+ years later, crying while waiting for one of my kids to finish skiing. I am literally sitting in a cafe at Liberty and can’t stop crying. This never happened that I did not get into a club. In her brain it somehow transformed that her gorgeous son was let into an exclusive club because he is so gorgeous and her fat daughter was not allowed to go in. Again this never happened, and I don’t know where she got this from. I am feeling extremely vulnerable right now. I said good bye and hung up. This brought all the memories of things that were ever said to me about my weight. My low self esteem has affected my relationships with men. I was on a sprint to find a boyfriend, no matter who it was just to have a boyfriend. I saw that a symbol of status as proof that someone will love me. I am married with kids now. i married my first boyfriend. We do not have a happy marriage but not entirely an unhappy one. I have since lost the weight through a combination of diet pills, yo yo diets, etc. Never had a healthy relationship with food or with myself. I have a very successful career and people think that I am uber confident. Not true at all. Here Inam reduced to a puddle of snot over one remark. This is part vent part warning. Please be. instill of how your words affect your children.

I feel you, OP. My mom was never quite as extreme, but she was on me about my weight from the time I was 17 - offering me $1000 to lose 20lbs when I was well within normal weight for my height.

She only stopped after I developed a clear drinking problem and everyone thought I'd probably drink myself to death (I have stopped drinking now). I'd recommend therapy instead of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you talk to your mother every day?
You should limit it to once a week.
Work on setting some boundaries.

This is pretty....direct, but I was wondering the same thing. Were this my mother, I'd definitely limit contact since she's not able to be polite or kind.

[Anonymous]

A daily talk? No. No reason to do this. If someone is rude to you, you talk to them less. They then, get the point/or they don't. But it is ridiculous for you to continue on the same path, a path that is hurting you. Family do not get-a-pass on being rude. Rude is rude.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I haven’t lived with my parents since I started college. We are now in different time zones and see each other 2-3 times a year. So since I left home I called each of my parents separately daily. And we just stayed with the same schedule. I can’t completely separate from her. Her relationship with my brother is sour. No relatives left alive. It’s just my dad and she. My dad is sick and she is taking really good care of him. Objectively she was not abusive when I was growing up. It was mostly snide remarks about my looks. I think I more upset over my reaction than the comment itself. Like here I am, mid 40s, and my mom is still able to push my bottoms and send me into a crying spell.

[Anonymous]

push my buttons not bottoms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I haven’t lived with my parents since I started college. We are now in different time zones and see each other 2-3 times a year. So since I left home I called each of my parents separately daily. And we just stayed with the same schedule. I can’t completely separate from her. Her relationship with my brother is sour. No relatives left alive. It’s just my dad and she. My dad is sick and she is taking really good care of him. Objectively she was not abusive when I was growing up. It was mostly snide remarks about my looks. I think I more upset over my reaction than the comment itself. Like here I am, mid 40s, and my mom is still able to push my bottoms and send me into a crying spell.

When I left for college I called home twice a week. Daily is too much.

[Anonymous]

Daily calls are simply you still trying to ingratiate yourself to your mother. Her relationship is sour with your gorgeous brother and you call her everyday. See! You are the good kid, after all!

That is a direct and harsh way to tell you to please, for your own mental health, please stop calling her and talking to her every day. Skip a day or two. Make her call you even, wondering where you are! Eventually get it down to every week at the most. Her opinions and perceptions of your looks are no longer important. Respect yourself, OP. Your opinion and perception of yourself is everything.

[Anonymous]

My mother called me fat when I WAS UNDERWEIGHT.

At 19, I escaped her controlling clutches and continual criticism by starting a new life on a different continent. I went to grad school in the USA. Only went back to Europe for short vacations but remained on good terms.

When she started calling my toddler daughter fat (as well as swearing at my husband and calling him a loser) I cut her off for 6 months. It wasn't longer only because I still wanted a relationship with my father, and those two are inseparable.

OP, you need to detach from your mother. It is WAY PAST TIME. You can scream at her, insult her, swear at her, or explain calmly that she's abusive and you're done. Specify the rules of engagement. Back away if she doesn't respect your boundaries.

Remember you don't owe her a thing when she's old and decrepit and needs your help. My mother has come around, and I will help her in her time of need, but it took a long time for her to understand that I wasn't her object to manipulate or her emotional punching bag in times of stress.

[Anonymous]

You sound codependent. I can relate, my mom used to say whatever unkind thing that pops into her head, she had no filter, and I felt violated most of the time.

It sounds like you don’t want to reduce contact and yet you feel really ugly around her. That’s not healthy to be around people who make you feel less than. I’d say maybe expand your network more so that you are around people you feel good around.

[Anonymous]

How come you haven't called her out on it?
"Mother, you are making up stories. That never happened. Should we take you to see a doctor?"
"Mother, it sounds like an interesting story but it never happened. Did you have an experience like that? Maybe a therapist can help you work thru this strange obsession about not passing at a club."

By the way, your mother is a beyotch.