I meet lots of people but can't make friends

[Anonymous]

I'm a 43 year old mom of 2 elementary school aged kids (kindergarten and second grade). We changed schools two years ago and I have not been able to make any mom friends at the school yet. I really want to make friends. I invite people to meet up for playdates all the time but so far have not made any mom friends that way.

I have been wanting to re-build my social circle after Covid and in the last few months have joined a lot of meetup groups, both mom groups and interest-related groups (running and knitting for example). I also take two fun classes per week (one exercise and one knitting class). I also work full-time but I am a nurse who does a few long shifts per week so I have a bunch of weekdays free.

Anyhow, when I'm in the meetup groups I often invite ladies who seem like a good potential friend out for a walk or coffee. I schedule a walk or coffee with someone new at least once a week. Most of the time on these walks/coffees we have a nice time but don't really seem to have anything in common (even from the interest-focused meetup groups). Sometimes we have kids the same age but that's about it that we have in common.

I also noticed that I ask them a lot of questions to get to know them and they ask me none or maybe one. I always get the sense that they're either really bad conversationists or have no interest in getting to know me. By the end of the coffee/walk I feel like I know their whole life story and they know almost nothing about me.

I also noticed that a lot of these ladies don't seem to have any/many interests/hobbies and many don't work. When I ask them what they do in their free time they don't have much to say. I'm trying to make small talk but it doesn't really seem to go anywhere and I rarely find that I have things in common with them.

Then what happens next is maybe two or three weeks later I'll text them to say hi, how are you and invite them to do something else and I either a) don't get a response at all or b) they decline the outing.

How can I make friends in a better way? I have already done so many things. I already take two fun classes per week, I joined a ton of meetup groups, and I invite a lot for playdates. None of this has worked and I have not made any friends. I'm a nice, normal mom and don't understand why making friends is so hard.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like you once--I hated all of her questions. At lunch, her barrage of questions meant I could never get in two bites of my salad. She probed for details that most people don't care about. I really felt pressured to share a lot more than I typically would. So when it was my "turn" to ask questions I had zero energy because it was all just spent answering hers. I was done.

Maybe slow down with your questions? Allow for some silence or give her time to open up?

It sounds like you are choosing people form the meetup group somewhat randomly? Maybe try to establish something in common first before inviting for one on one?

[Anonymous]

Start with school moms. Moms of K and 2nd grade kids don't want high maintenance buddies to meet for lunch, coffee, etc., taking them away from work or kids and finding someone to watch the kids. They want a neighbor to take their kids for playdates, and vice versa. Invite kids over for playdates. For 2nd grader, can offer drop off playdates eventually when feels right.

As for going on walks, I bet you have neighbors who go walking or jogging for exercise together that you could seek to join in.

You can also make friends by being active in the PTA, or in your HOA or church.

[Anonymous]

Asking a mom to go do something alone with you every 2 weeks is a lot too. Might seem too pushy and inorganic.

[Anonymous]

There are so many threads in this topic - I am wondering if we need a forum just for lonely people to trouble shoot together?

There have been so many king and thoughtful replies to people facing similar problems that it would be good for people to access them easily somewhere:

What do others think?

[Anonymous]

Don’t be needy. Think of this as dating. Be cool, be fun, but most of all be relaxed. It’s good you’re making an effort, but no one likes a try-hard. Let them come to you! Friendships take time to develop and not everyone is a match. Wait to feel chemistry (it matters in friendships too!).

[Anonymous]

I know a mom a bit like you (from what you share in your OP) and I would make a couple of suggestions.
Don’t talk all the time only about kids/school/afterschoolkids activities
Share something personal about yourself and show interest also in the other person life without coming across as needy or pushy.
My 2 cents

[Anonymous]

You eventually meet a mom on sidelines of a sporting event that you figure out that you click with. Making friends is like dating you’re going to meet a bunch of crazies before you find someone you click with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend like you once--I hated all of her questions. At lunch, her barrage of questions meant I could never get in two bites of my salad. She probed for details that most people don't care about. I really felt pressured to share a lot more than I typically would. So when it was my "turn" to ask questions I had zero energy because it was all just spent answering hers. I was done.

Maybe slow down with your questions? Allow for some silence or give her time to open up?

It sounds like you are choosing people form the meetup group somewhat randomly? Maybe try to establish something in common first before inviting for one on one?

This is different than what OP is saying. It sounds like you didn't handle that conversation well if you couldn't eat! She asks a question, you take a bite and chew while you're thinking of the answer. You answer and then say "how about you? What was your last vacation like?" If you don't know how to pivot the conversation to the other person then you aren't helping. Maybe she was desperate to keep the conversation going because you didn't ask about her at all. Or that person was particularly crazy. But most women who are good at leading conversations and asking questions aren't actually doing it for the information, but to help conversation continue.

[Anonymous]

OP is sounds like you are already judging them and you don't know them. You write..."I also noticed that a lot of these ladies don't seem to have any/many interests/hobbies and many don't work. When I ask them what they do in their free time they don't have much to say." Chill out OP! Nobody says "what are your hobbies?" or "what do you do in your free time?" Those are interview questions and they are too stiff. Loosen up and just enjoy a walk or coffee with someone. I have plenty of hobbies and I work and I would still find your questions annoying.

Lose the cheesy questions and just go with the flow. Enjoy the walk and enjoy the beautiful scenery. Let this happen more organically. Are your kids at the same school? Comment on how nice the renovations look or mention that the new principal seems like she truly cares about the kids or you are glad they just introduced recess in middle school again or whatever. Gently try to find some common ground without the canned questions.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a child on the spectrum who is very socially interested. She loves getting to know people. One thing she had to be explicitly taught is how to ask questions and read cues. She was interviewing everyone because she learned it's important to show interest with questions and she was interested! It drove other kids nuts. Luckily, kids are more blunt than adults and some told her to stop asking so many questions. That feedback was useful to her. Once my daughter learned to calm it down, read the cues and adjust her responses accordingly she could connect more.

OP it's great you are interested in people and want to make friends, but you sound overwhelming. Also, there is a good chance your facial expressions are expressing judgment when the person doesn't have a resume list of hobbies for you or *gasp* isn't working in a capacity you see fit.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's my take as a long-time SAHM/WOHM about women in the nursing profession: they can tend to come off aggressively opinionated,T ype A controlling, critical, judgmental, far too blunt consider we are not friends yet, and sometimes condescending.

I've met a number of "nurse moms" over the years at the playground, events, in my neighborhood, etc. They ask a question, and I answer. Their response can be some form of: why would you do it that way? I do it [whatever it is] this way, which is the right way, I don't know why anyone would do it your way.

My kid is in high school, and I recently met a fellow mom at an event. Polite chit chat like you do. Within two minutes, she says flatly, "I'm a nurse." She doesn't ask what I do. We keep talking, I mention something about my kid, and she seizes on it. Why would you do it that way? I do it [whatever it is] this way, which is the right way, I don't know why anyone would do it your way.

Sigh. It only took about ten minutes to get there, too. It can be exhausting, and offputting, to be around this type of mom. Nurses often have this personality type for some reason. Maybe something valuable to know, OP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say this, but are you overweight? Frumpy? Bc most of the moms out here won’t be friends with you unless you have a certain look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend like you once--I hated all of her questions. At lunch, her barrage of questions meant I could never get in two bites of my salad. She probed for details that most people don't care about. I really felt pressured to share a lot more than I typically would. So when it was my "turn" to ask questions I had zero energy because it was all just spent answering hers. I was done.

Maybe slow down with your questions? Allow for some silence or give her time to open up?

It sounds like you are choosing people form the meetup group somewhat randomly? Maybe try to establish something in common first before inviting for one on one?

OMG what you wrote gave me flashbacks. The bolded part especially. These kinds of conversations and details happen over months or years of becoming better friends. They don't happen the first time you meet up for coffee. It can be really uncomfortable to interact with people that do this.

[Anonymous]

OP

I am sorry it is hard to make friends here.

You are not alone.

I wish DCUM would consider having a separate forum just for the many lonely people in DMV who post so they can offer each other support and tips for connecting in authentic but non threatening ways.

I have seen so many threads in this topic and many good suggestions.

Best wishes for finding ways to connect that work for you.