I meet lots of people but can't make friends

[Anonymous]

OP here. To clarify, the ladies I am going on these coffee or walk dates with are people I have met once or twice at meetup groups for moms or interest-based meetup groups (running, etc.). So I really don't have anything in common with them other than being in the same meetup group or class or sometimes our kids are the same age.

I will tone down the questions so thank you for the advice here.

However, I keep my questions very general (and I don't ask for details). The kind of questions I ask when trying to get to know someone are: "Are you from around here?" or "How was your winter break--did you do anything fun?" "How long have you been knitting? (if we're in a knitting meetup group)" and "How is the school year going for your kids so far?" or "What do you do in your free time?" That's the generality level of the questions I ask. I think those questions are very general and show an interest in getting to know someone. I maybe ask about 5 questions in an hour we're together.

But in general, I ask them a question like "Are you from around here" and they talk on and on for 10 minutes about this and don't ask me "how about you, are you from around here." Then there's a long silence and I'll comment on the scenery or coffee shop or something like that. Then I ask the next question. I think it's hard for conversation to just flow when you're having coffee with someone you don't know.

If you don't ask these kinds of questions, how else are you supposed to get to know someone new and see if you want to keep meeting up or form a friendship?

Re: the comment about my weight, I am slim and toned. I workout several times per week.

[Anonymous]

Most likely these women also don’t have many friends and aren’t good at socializing. It’s why they are at a meet up group. There’s a chance you’re too put together and confident and it makes them insecure.

I’d try to make friends through work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ve commented on the similar threads that have cropped up recently, as someone who does make friends easily. Moreover, I’m very satisfied with my friendships and also confident in my ability to make new friends.

A few thoughts:
-Most people would benefit from being far more selective with those they’re seeking a friendship with. “Seems nice” isn’t a high enough bar
-Relatedly, you need some kind of spark or chemistry with someone. That can develop over time, but all of the people I think of as newer friends (say, people I’ve become friends with in the last five years) had that. When I talked to them the first time, it was a quick, mutual connection. I know it when I feel it
-That connection is necessary but not sufficient. Someone has to be available for and seeking a new friend. Not everyone is, usually for reasons that have nothing to do with you
-Focus less on making new friends NOW and more on getting to know people over time. Even when you do feel that chemistry with someone, it takes time and exposure to develop into friendship
-Remember that you only need a few close friends to feel less lonely. I don’t have a ton of friends, I’m not a queen bee (though I enjoy planning get togethers), but I know who my friends are. We have each other’s backs. We’re mutual.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this, but are you overweight? Frumpy? Bc most of the moms out here won’t be friends with you unless you have a certain look.

Or the moms she’s meeting are frumpy and she isn’t

[Anonymous]

What about nurse friends? Have you been able to connect with your coworkers?