Flaky friends - feeling lonely

[Anonymous]

I'm a WOH mom with two kids, 10 and 6. Now that my kids are a little bit older, I feel like I have more bandwidth for myself, and I've been trying to initiate get-togethers with friends -- nothing crazy, just low-key drinks or dinner, or a family get-together. I'm almost always the one to initiate and organize plans, which I don't mind except that my friends rarely -- if ever ever -- reciprocate. Or often people commit and then flake at the last minute, which I'm gracious about, but then they never follow up to reschedule. I know people have busy lives, as do we, and I don't expect to be at the top of anyone's priority list, but it still hurts my feelings that no one ever reaches out to me first. It has me second-guessing my friendships, and I feel lonely. Anyone else in the same boat? I'm waffling between just letting my friendships with those who never reciprocate die a natural death, and continuing to put the effort in to initiate plans because I like my friends and I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

[Anonymous]

Same. We are always the ones to initiate plans and no one ever reciprocates. It hurts my feelings but I don’t think it’s about me or that they don’t like me/us. I think people just genuinely aren’t good at keeping up w friends during this stage of life (parenting elementary age kids). It was actually easier a few years ago when my kids were younger and the kids weren’t involved in activities/extra curriculars yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a WOH mom with two kids, 10 and 6. Now that my kids are a little bit older, I feel like I have more bandwidth for myself, and I've been trying to initiate get-togethers with friends -- nothing crazy, just low-key drinks or dinner, or a family get-together. I'm almost always the one to initiate and organize plans, which I don't mind except that my friends rarely -- if ever ever -- reciprocate. Or often people commit and then flake at the last minute, which I'm gracious about, but then they never follow up to reschedule. I know people have busy lives, as do we, and I don't expect to be at the top of anyone's priority list, but it still hurts my feelings that no one ever reaches out to me first. It has me second-guessing my friendships, and I feel lonely. Anyone else in the same boat? I'm waffling between just letting my friendships with those who never reciprocate die a natural death, and continuing to put the effort in to initiate plans because I like my friends and I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Definitely keep planning these get togethers, and try to reframe the situation for yourself. You invite people out or over because you like them and you enjoy the pleasure of their company, not because you expect them to reciprocate. Ir sounds like you are the planner in this group of friends, and if you keep score on who reaches out first you will be guaranteed to be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

I’ve dropped friends for this reason. Wasn’t that I was mad per se, just that I don’t have unlimited friend time and I’d prefer to spend it with people who reciprocate. Broaden your circle for a bit. Everyone’s looking for friends.

[Anonymous]

My friend stopped texting me back or replying to me via vall or text. She stopped nurturing our friendship after kids got in elementary school, so our communication fell off and I'm not sure I can call her a friend anymore. I’ve always been there for her, but she knows nothing about my child. I say all of this to say you are not alone. Motherhood is lonely.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s on you to be the planner — in part because you’re the one who’s lonely. Think about whether these friendships feel genuine, and, if they do, if they’re worth the effort. Also think about what the impact of your own priorities has been on the patterns in these friendships. It sounds like you spent quite a few years when you didn’t have “bandwidth “ to nurture these friendships— and now you do. And that’s great! Meanwhile, though, your friends learned to accommodate your lack of bandwidth, and, of course, have their own competing priorities. No one’s reaching out to you first — and I get that it’s hurtful. But, be honest, were you really available to them in the way that you’d like them to be available to you — now that you have time? I would go with recognizing that everyone has a lot on their plates right now. Since you have the time and desire to socialize, enjoy being the cruise director for a bit as long as you genuinely enjoy the interactions once they actually happen.

Doing this doesn’t stop you from also widening your circle of friends. I hope things work out well for you, OP!

[Anonymous]

The seasons of life thing is real. I have elementary age kids but I also work at a school where I have been for years so I know a ton of people in different stages of life. There are people I would love to see more and we occasionally hang out but their kids are way older than mine and our lives truly don’t align logistically. All the parents with kids my age are running around doing activities, as am I. I am lucky to have a few really close friends with kids that match ours in age, and some who are childfree as well. I have been branching out and inviting over new kids for play dates. Some parents do reciprocate and are interested in socializing so I think to some degree it’s a numbers game. Also, there are busy weeks or months where even my close friends are just not around much. It’s a tough life stage for this reason, but don’t give up!

[Anonymous]

Exact same boat. In some twisted ways I miss the pandemic years because we were all home and saw each other constantly. Now everyone is always busy.

I've been wondering if it's just this time of year. It's cold, people are hunkered down, idk. I've been feeling really sad about this lately. It doesn't feel like it should be so hard to find friends to get a glass of wine on a Friday after bedtime. But I struggle.

[Anonymous]

OP, you only need one or two close friends to feel solid and connected. That’s true of adults and kids alike. I generally make friends easily and am comfortable being the one to initiate BUT I don’t tolerate lack of reciprocity. It doesn’t need to be even all the time, but if I am *always* the one initiating contact, I let it go. True friendship is mutual.

I’d focus on nurturing a few close friendships with those people who do reciprocate. Even if it’s just one right now, start there. “Friends” who commit and then flake at the last minute? Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

^^also, don’t tie your friendships to your kids. As your kids get older, that becomes unsustainable. Make the time for the few people who are truly worth it. If you have the bandwidth for looser social connections in addition, great.

Also, hugs. It’s hard to feel lonely.

[Anonymous]

My vibe in NOVA is most moms aren't cooks. They cannot make a dinner for themselves plus another family. The fact that people are duffing on your dinners has me wonder if the food was lacking. Not enough food? Bad food? Maybe try to keep things more simple. Invite neighbor mom for Saturday night wine after kids go to bed, or for afternoon playdate, like 1-3 or 2-4, with lots of appetizers and beverages.

[Anonymous]

I would stick to being the organizer but also start seeking out and building new friendships with people who have more time and capacity to reciprocate. I think if you step back you will be able to see that it's not entirely fair to say, "I finally have some capacity for friendships so I'm going to drop back in and feel upset that the people I know can't meet me exactly where I am." Your flaky friends may be in the place you were two years ago.

[Anonymous]

I often felt like I was doing all the inviting. I recently wrote off a friend because I literally hosted them 30 times without reciprocation. They aren’t always flaky but get sick a lot. They must have noticed I stopped reaching out because she FINALLY invited us over and initiated plans for the first time in YEARS. She wants to meet up with me, have us over and even plan a trip together.

I have other friends who I feel like I’m always initiating but they don’t flake. They just don’t plan or ever invite me anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a WOH mom with two kids, 10 and 6. Now that my kids are a little bit older, I feel like I have more bandwidth for myself, and I've been trying to initiate get-togethers with friends -- nothing crazy, just low-key drinks or dinner, or a family get-together. I'm almost always the one to initiate and organize plans, which I don't mind except that my friends rarely -- if ever ever -- reciprocate. Or often people commit and then flake at the last minute, which I'm gracious about, but then they never follow up to reschedule. I know people have busy lives, as do we, and I don't expect to be at the top of anyone's priority list, but it still hurts my feelings that no one ever reaches out to me first. It has me second-guessing my friendships, and I feel lonely. Anyone else in the same boat? I'm waffling between just letting my friendships with those who never reciprocate die a natural death, and continuing to put the effort in to initiate plans because I like my friends and I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

https://www.eviemagazine.com/post/jane-fonda-explains-how-womens-friendships-are-different-than-mens-advice-make-new-friends

OP take it from women in their 60s+. Be intentional. Pursue new friends. But only spend your energy on people who are open with you and who you really do want to build a friendship with. Its better to have 1-2 close friends than 20 acquaintances. I know some people can have both but not all of us and I choose the former.

[Anonymous]

I don't get mad about flaky friend or acquaintences anymore. I know that they do not have bandwidth for even day to day life. I will host and invite but if they ask what to bring, I will assign them some thing that they can buy and get. I have zero hopes that they will ever be able to reciprocate because they are too dysfuntional - so I convert the celebrations into potlucks. However, they are not boring people so I don't mind hanging out with them.