Flaky friends - feeling lonely

[Anonymous]

OP, the way I frame it for myself is, I want to do X with Y and Z, so I'll invite them. I don't have any expectations for whether X and Y will ever reciprocate. (Hosting at home is cheaper, so usually I don't worry if the other people reciprocate; if you go out, everyone pays their own way, and it's just the cost of organizing, which is real, but I don't mind.)

Some people can manage to show up, but don't have it in them to plan ahead or host. I also have figured out that Y likes to go out to dinner just the two of us, and Z will only socialize as a family. If you can get to a point that you have a standing type of a get-together, that helps. (I now have a monthly lunch going with two friends, when we get together, we schedule the next month's event.)

If you're inviting a bunch of people out, have one core person and check in with them about best times first, so that at least two people will be able to make that date. Try to invite a group of people in which some are flakes but at least a couple are more likely not to cancel.

Having said that, it's very annoying to reach out and then not have anyone show interest... I get it. Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find friends who are very social and want to go out. Personally, I don’t want to go out to dinner/drinks with my girlfriends on a Friday or Saturday night. I want to be home relaxing and go to bed at a decent hour. I know I’m lame, but I’m betting your friends are like me. It’s not personal to you. Flaking at the last minute is rude though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get mad about flaky friend or acquaintences anymore. I know that they do not have bandwidth for even day to day life. I will host and invite but if they ask what to bring, I will assign them some thing that they can buy and get. I have zero hopes that they will ever be able to reciprocate because they are too dysfuntional - so I convert the celebrations into potlucks. However, they are not boring people so I don't mind hanging out with them.

This is very true. There are some of us who are planners, there are some of us who just aren't. Putting together a girls' night out is easy for me but for others, that is a really daunting task. It doesn't mean they don't want to get together but if they have to make the plans, it won't happen. I have a friend who is always reaching out saying we need to get together, we pick a date and yet it is always up to me to put together the plan. It is what it is.

My parents are the same way with travelling. If I plan the trip, book the trip, pay for the trip, they are usually open to going, doing whatever we want to do and paying for (usually more than their share of) the trip. But to book a trip on their own?? No way. They just don't have it in them to do it. I don't even think my mother would know how to book a plane ticket if she had to.

[Anonymous]

I am a horrible planner, but I am there if my friends plan something. I just really cannot do it myself.

[Anonymous]

Would you be in a relationship where a man who continuously flakes on you all the time. Hold those same standards with close friends…time is precious.

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way OP. Every other day there's a post from someone who is struggling to make friends.

I think you need to widen your circle and go in with the expectation that most people are not going to reciprocate in the way that you might hope. I'm friends with a group of women in my neighborhood and we regularly do things together. But even in our group there are 2 women who frequently host and plan, 3-4 that will host and plan sometimes and a few that never host or only host once a year. When I host I include everyone, even the people that don't reciprocate because I enjoy spending time with them and they are good guests and good friends. If the people that you are trying to plan things with aren't giving you enough of a reason to keep making the effort then move on. But if they are otherwise good company and you enjoy spending time with them then do so. People that flake AND don't reciprocate don't seem worth the effort.

It helps to make friends with the planner of the group. They like to host, plan things frequently, feel comfortable connecting different people and generally have lots of casual friends. They typically include new people to events when they host instead of always having the same people over. They're not always easy to find but once you do they often are the best way to be invited things and to make more friends. That's why it can feel like a numbers game. You just have to keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely not alone in feeling this way OP. Every other day there's a post from someone who is struggling to make friends.

I think you need to widen your circle and go in with the expectation that most people are not going to reciprocate in the way that you might hope. I'm friends with a group of women in my neighborhood and we regularly do things together. But even in our group there are 2 women who frequently host and plan, 3-4 that will host and plan sometimes and a few that never host or only host once a year. When I host I include everyone, even the people that don't reciprocate because I enjoy spending time with them and they are good guests and good friends. If the people that you are trying to plan things with aren't giving you enough of a reason to keep making the effort then move on. But if they are otherwise good company and you enjoy spending time with them then do so. People that flake AND don't reciprocate don't seem worth the effort.

It helps to make friends with the planner of the group. They like to host, plan things frequently, feel comfortable connecting different people and generally have lots of casual friends. They typically include new people to events when they host instead of always having the same people over. They're not always easy to find but once you do they often are the best way to be invited things and to make more friends. That's why it can feel like a numbers game. You just have to keep trying.

The planner of the group is usually a queen-bee type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a horrible planner, but I am there if my friends plan something. I just really cannot do it myself.

This is such a lame cop-our. Yes, you can, you’re just lazy and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely not alone in feeling this way OP. Every other day there's a post from someone who is struggling to make friends.

I think you need to widen your circle and go in with the expectation that most people are not going to reciprocate in the way that you might hope. I'm friends with a group of women in my neighborhood and we regularly do things together. But even in our group there are 2 women who frequently host and plan, 3-4 that will host and plan sometimes and a few that never host or only host once a year. When I host I include everyone, even the people that don't reciprocate because I enjoy spending time with them and they are good guests and good friends. If the people that you are trying to plan things with aren't giving you enough of a reason to keep making the effort then move on. But if they are otherwise good company and you enjoy spending time with them then do so. People that flake AND don't reciprocate don't seem worth the effort.

It helps to make friends with the planner of the group. They like to host, plan things frequently, feel comfortable connecting different people and generally have lots of casual friends. They typically include new people to events when they host instead of always having the same people over. They're not always easy to find but once you do they often are the best way to be invited things and to make more friends. That's why it can feel like a numbers game. You just have to keep trying.

The planner of the group is usually a queen-bee type.

That is not true. I am a planner by nature and I would love more friends than I have. I rarely set out for something to be exclusive, it’s just when you are planning things you do the inviting. You can plan your own stuff and invite new people. I would love that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a horrible planner, but I am there if my friends plan something. I just really cannot do it myself.

This is such a lame cop-our. Yes, you can, you’re just lazy and selfish.

To add on to this, why do you think it’s harder for you than other people? Because it isn’t. You only know your own experience and so you imagine it’s easier for other people. Maybe yes, but probably no. There’s no magic to making a plan, you just have to recognize the need to treat others with interest and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely not alone in feeling this way OP. Every other day there's a post from someone who is struggling to make friends.

I think you need to widen your circle and go in with the expectation that most people are not going to reciprocate in the way that you might hope. I'm friends with a group of women in my neighborhood and we regularly do things together. But even in our group there are 2 women who frequently host and plan, 3-4 that will host and plan sometimes and a few that never host or only host once a year. When I host I include everyone, even the people that don't reciprocate because I enjoy spending time with them and they are good guests and good friends. If the people that you are trying to plan things with aren't giving you enough of a reason to keep making the effort then move on. But if they are otherwise good company and you enjoy spending time with them then do so. People that flake AND don't reciprocate don't seem worth the effort.

It helps to make friends with the planner of the group. They like to host, plan things frequently, feel comfortable connecting different people and generally have lots of casual friends. They typically include new people to events when they host instead of always having the same people over. They're not always easy to find but once you do they often are the best way to be invited things and to make more friends. That's why it can feel like a numbers game. You just have to keep trying.

The planner of the group is usually a queen-bee type.

I think queen-bees are often planners but not every group has a queen-bee dynamic. Some people are just more open to meeting new people and plan things on a regular basis. They may not have the bandwidth to form a deep relationship with everyone but they enjoy the company of alot of people.

[Anonymous]

Covid made me a true homebody. I want to see maybe 2-3 friends and no one else really. I can’t explain it - it’s not fear or anxiety, just no desire to engage with anyone who isn’t truly close/interesting.
If I were you I would stop trying

[Anonymous]

I used to be social but the pandemic did something to me. Im not social anymore. I miss my friends but don’t feel like hanging out or cleaning up for guests. I hope I get back to my old pre-pandemic self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely not alone in feeling this way OP. Every other day there's a post from someone who is struggling to make friends.

I think you need to widen your circle and go in with the expectation that most people are not going to reciprocate in the way that you might hope. I'm friends with a group of women in my neighborhood and we regularly do things together. But even in our group there are 2 women who frequently host and plan, 3-4 that will host and plan sometimes and a few that never host or only host once a year. When I host I include everyone, even the people that don't reciprocate because I enjoy spending time with them and they are good guests and good friends. If the people that you are trying to plan things with aren't giving you enough of a reason to keep making the effort then move on. But if they are otherwise good company and you enjoy spending time with them then do so. People that flake AND don't reciprocate don't seem worth the effort.

It helps to make friends with the planner of the group. They like to host, plan things frequently, feel comfortable connecting different people and generally have lots of casual friends. They typically include new people to events when they host instead of always having the same people over. They're not always easy to find but once you do they often are the best way to be invited things and to make more friends. That's why it can feel like a numbers game. You just have to keep trying.

The planner of the group is usually a queen-bee type.

That is not true. I am a planner by nature and I would love more friends than I have. I rarely set out for something to be exclusive, it’s just when you are planning things you do the inviting. You can plan your own stuff and invite new people. I would love that!

Maybe you’re not a queen bee, but it is something for the OP to be aware of. In my neighborhood, the big planner is a total queen-bee and gets irritated when other people host or plan events because she doesn’t have control over the guest list and can’t be thought of as the organizer. It’s honestly become quite exhausting when one person attempts to control who can be friends.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?