Trying to help oppositional parents from another state

[Anonymous]

Would love some advice on my parents situation:

Dad, stage 3 (at least) heart failure, sharp as a tack but can barely walk (uses cane and lurches around), on blood thinners and a host of other meds
Mom, great physical shape, beginning signs of dementia, forgetfulness

Mom refuses to leave house (4500+ square feet)
Dad and mom refuse to alter house to make more accomodating for immobile dad - will be ugly and ruin home value (home is knock down in fancy neighborhood)
They own a 4 year old large dog who only mom can walk

I feel like they are a train barreling toward a cliff, but they won't take advice from me (the one who will have to take care of them).

Any ideas? They are completely independent financially but mom has no clue how to pay bills, manage money, where accounts are.

[Anonymous]

It's all such a mess, isn't it? You cannot force them to do anything, as you know. You can see if they will agree to an aging professional to check in. You can set your boundaries of what you will and will not do a lot of which will depend on what is going on in the family you created. You can explain all your concerns about health risks, finances, etc. Then you have to let go some.

If you try to explain your concerns and try to get professional help and make clear your boundaries, then when the accident happens you will know you tried to prevent it. When the finances are lost or a mess and you have to hire people to sort it out, you will know you tried to prevent this.You can tell yourself they were living life on their own terms. Sometimes that ends up in earlier death or lost finances.

This is what I learned, but hopefully someone here has some magically way to turn things around.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My parents are heading down the same path. They live in Europe, and I'm their only child, living here.

No idea what either of us can do, OP, with recalcitrant parents like that.

I suppose we pick up the pieces when catastrophe hits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. My parents are heading down the same path. They live in Europe, and I'm their only child, living here.

No idea what either of us can do, OP, with recalcitrant parents like that.

I suppose we pick up the pieces when catastrophe hits.

Same!

I have tried to make them plan and prepare, but they won’t. I’ve done what I can and now wait until the $h!t hits the fan and do my best to clean up the mess. They don’t seem to understand that they are hurting themselves.

[Anonymous]

Live your life until catastrophe hits then make modifications to their home/lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. It helps to know I am far from alone in this situation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Live your life until catastrophe hits then make modifications to their home/lifestyle.

The problem is sometimes catastrophe hits them and the family you created all at the same time and you have to put your family-spouse/kids first. That is why you try to get them to prepare and you explain these scenarios. It happened to me and I felt less guilt than I would have normally because I tried absolutely everything to get the parent to move to a CCRC, etc. Life will throw all sorts of holy heck at you, and it absolutely can happen at the same time.

[Anonymous]

You can’t make them move out or get help. But you can do things to make your life easier once disaster strikes.

Make sure they have Wills, advance medical directive, etc. Meet with an an attorney that understands Medicaid in their state if you think they might need it in the future. Government does a 5 year look back and you don’t want to do something that affects Medicaid funding.

Make sure that your mom isn’t the person listed to legally make decisions for your Dad. Her dementia will only get worse and you want to be the one who makes decisions if he becomes incapacitated.

Make sure you have a list of their doctors and contact information. And have your parents sign a consent form that allows the doctors to speak to you. You will have to do this for each doctor.

Make sure you have all their bank account and credit card information and have you put on as an authorized person.

Do some visits to facilities near you in case they suddenly need to be moved into a place.

Good luck, it’s tough when parents don’t realize they are aging and don’t have to ability to make good risk calculations.

[Anonymous]

What age are they? Will they let you have online access to their financial accounts? I recently set up relatives with Monarch Money and it is very helpful to see all their accounts in one place, see the income coming in, what the expenses are.

If you can get a handle on their finances and show them they can afford it, maybe they'll consider an assisted living place?

[Anonymous]

I’ve had to accept it and wait for the inevitable disaster. Sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t make them move out or get help. But you can do things to make your life easier once disaster strikes.

Make sure they have Wills, advance medical directive, etc. Meet with an an attorney that understands Medicaid in their state if you think they might need it in the future. Government does a 5 year look back and you don’t want to do something that affects Medicaid funding.

Make sure that your mom isn’t the person listed to legally make decisions for your Dad. Her dementia will only get worse and you want to be the one who makes decisions if he becomes incapacitated.

Make sure you have a list of their doctors and contact information. And have your parents sign a consent form that allows the doctors to speak to you. You will have to do this for each doctor.

Make sure you have all their bank account and credit card information and have you put on as an authorized person.

Do some visits to facilities near you in case they suddenly need to be moved into a place.

Good luck, it’s tough when parents don’t realize they are aging and don’t have to ability to make good risk calculations.

Absolutely all of this -- you have to have these documents ASAP, especially the power of attorney. Make sure they have each other and preferably also you or a sibling if you have one listed as co-owners or survivors on bank accounts, investment accounts, safe deposit boxes, etc. Stuff gets frozen when wills go into probate. If your dad is the one who has always handled the financials, there's a good chance it's only his name on these accounts, and that if he dies before your mom she will be in difficult straits that she's not equipped for.

It would be well worth the time and expense if you or a sibling can swing both to make appointments with an estate planning/elder care attorney and go with them in person to make sure all these documents get done.

[Anonymous]

Oh, also, make sure you have a current list of each of their medications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, also, make sure you have a current list of each of their medications.

The problem is that changes so much, sometimes with every doctor's appointment. If you can hire a case manager to keep track of everything and who can have people there for emergencies. My experience is they get more and more oppositional and for me I would end up quite ill dealing with emergencies because not only wasn't the parent grateful, but I got verbal beatings. She behaved better for hired help, not much better, but better and it was less personal and just a paycheck for the person (who got tips).

[Anonymous]

Nothing to say except you have my sympathies
Right there with you, friend—mine are constantly teetering on the edge of disaster.
Denial is a powerful force—they are adults living their lives
There’s only so much you can do
You can be an example and get your own shit together, make sure you have all your documents, make sure your spouse has access to everything, and then tell them you did all that and that you wish they would too and that you’re available to help if they have any interest. But they probably won’t

[Anonymous]

OP, when they were elderly, I had one parent who could move, and 1 parent who could think. They functioned. Until they didn't. Imo, all you can do is: accept that. Is ok-enough until it isn't. And when it isn't, it sounds like in your case, they will have the $ to make a quick change.