10 yo DS too shy to be polite

[Anonymous]

I know how that sounds.

The issue is, he does say please and thank you and whatever else, but it's usually to his lap or with his lips not moving, or on the rare case where we can get him to look up and move his lips, it's so quiet you need to be a lip-reading expert to hear him. No one has been overtly offended, I assume because it's obvious he's trying, but clearly we can't continue like this. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I taught my kids around age 2 and 3 that not all kids had such good manners as them and to be very proud of themselves for their wonderful manners, and to say it "loud and proud." Why did you let him get to such an old age without working on this much earlier?

What does he think will happen if people notice he said thank you? They'll ... say you're welcome? Honestly, at his age I'd find it totally unacceptable and not allow him to accept anything unless he can say thank you. No ordering food in restaurants, no gifts, nothing. Not until he can bring himself to look people in the eye for the half second it takes to audibly say thank you. This coddling is total BS.

[Anonymous]

Can he say please and thank you to you and look you in the eyes?

I'd practice with you. Then I'd practice with a trusted friend/aunt. Then I'd practice with with his teacher. Then I'd practice with wait staff/etc.

Also, I'd practice looking you in the eyes and shaking hands and saying, "nice to meet you".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I taught my kids around age 2 and 3 that not all kids had such good manners as them and to be very proud of themselves for their wonderful manners, and to say it "loud and proud." Why did you let him get to such an old age without working on this much earlier?

What does he think will happen if people notice he said thank you? They'll ... say you're welcome? Honestly, at his age I'd find it totally unacceptable and not allow him to accept anything unless he can say thank you. No ordering food in restaurants, no gifts, nothing. Not until he can bring himself to look people in the eye for the half second it takes to audibly say thank you. This coddling is total BS.

Your complete inability to understand people are different is total BS. If you were my kid, I would've smacked you upside the head for responding this way. In fact if you were standing here right now, I'd do it. Shame on your parents for coddling you so much you think your way is the only right way and raising such a pathetic loser. - Not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I taught my kids around age 2 and 3 that not all kids had such good manners as them and to be very proud of themselves for their wonderful manners, and to say it "loud and proud." Why did you let him get to such an old age without working on this much earlier?

What does he think will happen if people notice he said thank you? They'll ... say you're welcome? Honestly, at his age I'd find it totally unacceptable and not allow him to accept anything unless he can say thank you. No ordering food in restaurants, no gifts, nothing. Not until he can bring himself to look people in the eye for the half second it takes to audibly say thank you. This coddling is total BS.

Are you in therapy? You post is so incredibly off the rails. If you are in therapy, can you read you post to your therapist and have them work through this with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're going to get burned on here, but I completely understand. I have two kids - both raised with the same lessons and stress on manners.
My daughter is great - easily says please and thank you and makes appropriate pleasantries. If she were my only kid, I'd be praising myself for my wonderful parenting and assuming that the fact that "around age 2 and 3" I thought her to be "loud and proud" of her manners.

She's not my only kid, though, so I realize that not all kids are alike and things that seem like very simple manners for most kids is absolutely debilitating for others.
DS is 13. He's been in speech therapy since he was a toddler and has tremendous anxiety in those situations. The only advice I can give is to keep going. Practice as much as possible with safe people. I'm a lot stricter with him when around friends and family that have known him for years - he doesn't get away for a whispered thanks with his aunts or even with his soccer coach. In those situations I'll make him go back and look him in the eyes and say thanks. In a restaurant, I'll remind him in advance, and praise him when he does well. He's getting better. We'll keep working on it.

Good luck (both with your kid and with the comments you're sure to get here.)

[Anonymous]

OP here. He was actually a lot better years ago. This shyness started only around 18 months ago, unfortunately when strangers start expecting more.

[Anonymous]

Shy doesn't give him a pass. This is an important life skill, to look people in the eye and speak up. Conquer it sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was actually a lot better years ago. This shyness started only around 18 months ago, unfortunately when strangers start expecting more.

OP, my child had a few years where she was PAINFULLY shy and couldn't even utter a word to an adult she wasn't super comfortable around. I would ask her about it and she would say "I WANT to say thank you but the words won't come out." The pediatrician felt it was likely some social anxiety and to keep working with her, but also not pressure her unnecessarily. Adults aren't owed anything from children and if they can't understand shyness, screw them.

Now that she's 11, it's gotten a lot better. She orders her own food at restaurants (something we practiced for a long time), chats with adults during carpool, and can say please and thank you without reminding/cajoling. Just keep practicing, it will get better.

[Anonymous]

I think this is something you can work on. And not to please others, but so he can redevelop that confidence for HIM.

Practice in the mirror, practice with trusted family and friends, then set up a situation (like a trip to a favorite donut shop) where he will have to say thank you to the person who gives him the donut. Have a big reward ready (not just the donut) if he is audible and makes eye contact. Build a ladder of success. Ask him which thing he can do first and then check it off when he goes. For example first he says it loudly in the mirror. Check! Then loudly to mom. Check! Loudly to dad. Check! Loudly to Aunt sue. And so on. Your own form of CBT at home.

[Anonymous]

Whenever my kids are struggling with a skill I try to break it down into components then focus on one component at a time. When that is mastered add the next one.

For example you want your kid to be able to look a waiter in the eye and say “may I please have a glass of water” loud enough to be understood and then when the water arrives be able to say “thank you” loud enough to be understood while looking the waiter in the eye.

That can break down to the following:
- decide before the wait or arrives what you want
- say what you want
- saying what you want loud enough to be understood
- look up at the waiter while saying what you want
- make eye contact with the waiter while saying what you want
- say please when saying what you want
- say please loud enough to be understood
-when the water arrives say thank you
- say thank you loud enough to be understood
- say thank you while looking up at the waiter
- Say thank you while making eye contact with the waiter.

Pick one of these steps and focus on that for a few weeks. Don’t ask your kid to do all of them, just one that they aren’t currently doing. Then after they are consistently doing that add in another step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I taught my kids around age 2 and 3 that not all kids had such good manners as them and to be very proud of themselves for their wonderful manners, and to say it "loud and proud." Why did you let him get to such an old age without working on this much earlier?

What does he think will happen if people notice he said thank you? They'll ... say you're welcome? Honestly, at his age I'd find it totally unacceptable and not allow him to accept anything unless he can say thank you. No ordering food in restaurants, no gifts, nothing. Not until he can bring himself to look people in the eye for the half second it takes to audibly say thank you. This coddling is total BS.

This is really myopic. Do you understand that some people have challenges your children may not face? I am a parent of 4, and although I typically have a hard time when people with larger families deride those with fewer children, I understand why they do -- life hasn't yet taught you that kids aren't in your completely control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I taught my kids around age 2 and 3 that not all kids had such good manners as them and to be very proud of themselves for their wonderful manners, and to say it "loud and proud." Why did you let him get to such an old age without working on this much earlier?

What does he think will happen if people notice he said thank you? They'll ... say you're welcome? Honestly, at his age I'd find it totally unacceptable and not allow him to accept anything unless he can say thank you. No ordering food in restaurants, no gifts, nothing. Not until he can bring himself to look people in the eye for the half second it takes to audibly say thank you. This coddling is total BS.

This is really myopic. Do you understand that some people have challenges your children may not face? I am a parent of 4, and although I typically have a hard time when people with larger families deride those with fewer children, I understand why they do -- life hasn't yet taught you that kids aren't in your completely control.

Yes, of course I do. But some things are unacceptable. Sometimes my kids have to push themselves and be uncomfortable for a couple of seconds or hours or whatever, because that's life. They learn to cope and push through things to do what needs to get done. I also have four, and when one of mine went through a shy phase they weren't allowed to accept the free cookie the bakery lady offered them since they wouldn't say thank you. And guess what? Seeing their three siblings munching away happily helped them get over themselves.

[Anonymous]

The first PP is an ass. Recent data shows that 30%+ of children have been diagnoses with neurological divergences. ADHD, ASD, depression, anxiety, etc. Being conservative, assume that a third of those kids are neurodiverse enough that it would impair their daily living, in ways, like, oh I don't know... debilitating anxiety with strangers, sensory overload in new situations, difficulty with executive functioning, and a million other ways that show up in situations like the OP describes. So that means that, conservatively, 10% of kids out there have impairments that impact situations like this. Which checks out with real life, doesn't it? that "most" kids are able to handle these situations, but we all know several kids who can't. There are probably 1 or 2 kids in your kids' class that act differently, right?

As I often say to people who pull this "I'm a great mom with perfect kids, and you just need to step it up as a better mom to make your kids better...." The reason my 10 year old kid seems rude is because they have a diagnosed condition. What is your excuse for being a rude a-hole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I taught my kids around age 2 and 3 that not all kids had such good manners as them and to be very proud of themselves for their wonderful manners, and to say it "loud and proud." Why did you let him get to such an old age without working on this much earlier?

What does he think will happen if people notice he said thank you? They'll ... say you're welcome? Honestly, at his age I'd find it totally unacceptable and not allow him to accept anything unless he can say thank you. No ordering food in restaurants, no gifts, nothing. Not until he can bring himself to look people in the eye for the half second it takes to audibly say thank you. This coddling is total BS.

This is really myopic. Do you understand that some people have challenges your children may not face? I am a parent of 4, and although I typically have a hard time when people with larger families deride those with fewer children, I understand why they do -- life hasn't yet taught you that kids aren't in your completely control.

Yes, of course I do. But some things are unacceptable. Sometimes my kids have to push themselves and be uncomfortable for a couple of seconds or hours or whatever, because that's life. They learn to cope and push through things to do what needs to get done. I also have four, and when one of mine went through a shy phase they weren't allowed to accept the free cookie the bakery lady offered them since they wouldn't say thank you. And guess what? Seeing their three siblings munching away happily helped them get over themselves.

So basically, you are saying that if my kids aren't doing all the things they should be, that is because I as a parent failed?