Is there any coming back from lack of spark?

[Anonymous]

My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

[Anonymous]

I would think so, the resentments and stresses of raising kids can inhibit a spark that otherwise would be there, at least in some cases. Depends on the specifics of course.

[Anonymous]

There is.

But you both have to want this.

Does your DH want to try with you or is he really done?

[Anonymous]

You don’t reveal your gender and that shouldn’t matter but I kind of think it does. Statements like your partner made are like a brick wall that they build around you, you don’t do it for me anymore and no matter how I have tried to convince myself otherwise you still don’t do it for me anymore so stay in this box while I move on with my life.

If your wife has made the declaration that the spark is gone I think there’s a 90% chance that she stopped being in love with you about three years ago and I don’t think there is coming back from that. You could 20x your net worth and get matching flanks of visible serratus muscles and it wont do a thing.

Now if your husband has told you this then there are lots of things you can do to get his interest back but chances are he’s got his eyes on a future without you and unless done very carefully the improvements you make will come off desperate and be more repelling.


Saying the spark is gone is the polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive at all and I’m done. You mentioned that lots has happened over the course of the past few years and if that’s because the lack of spark lead to some infidelity the resentment will be difficult to overcome.

It’s an awful situation and I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

There’s someone else he has found a spark with

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they haven’t found someone else? It’s very tough to leave a marriage/family that still has good components when there’s not someone wise waiting in the wings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t reveal your gender and that shouldn’t matter but I kind of think it does. Statements like your partner made are like a brick wall that they build around you, you don’t do it for me anymore and no matter how I have tried to convince myself otherwise you still don’t do it for me anymore so stay in this box while I move on with my life.

If your wife has made the declaration that the spark is gone I think there’s a 90% chance that she stopped being in love with you about three years ago and I don’t think there is coming back from that. You could 20x your net worth and get matching flanks of visible serratus muscles and it wont do a thing.

Now if your husband has told you this then there are lots of things you can do to get his interest back but chances are he’s got his eyes on a future without you and unless done very carefully the improvements you make will come off desperate and be more repelling.


Saying the spark is gone is the polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive at all and I’m done. You mentioned that lots has happened over the course of the past few years and if that’s because the lack of spark lead to some infidelity the resentment will be difficult to overcome.

It’s an awful situation and I’m sorry.

I agree with all of this and wish you the best, OP. Do you work? If not, might explore getting yourself back into the workforce. Also, build up your own support network. By the time my ex DH said this to me, he had moved on and was having affairs, he had also started shifting $. I really wanted to work on things and could have written your post, but was not given that option in more than lip service. We went on a few dates and did counseling but he had already mentally moved on and when the AP was disclosed, I was even more blind sided because of the deflection.

In case you need it, this was helpful to me. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

[Anonymous]

Was it there before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t reveal your gender and that shouldn’t matter but I kind of think it does. Statements like your partner made are like a brick wall that they build around you, you don’t do it for me anymore and no matter how I have tried to convince myself otherwise you still don’t do it for me anymore so stay in this box while I move on with my life.

If your wife has made the declaration that the spark is gone I think there’s a 90% chance that she stopped being in love with you about three years ago and I don’t think there is coming back from that. You could 20x your net worth and get matching flanks of visible serratus muscles and it wont do a thing.

Now if your husband has told you this then there are lots of things you can do to get his interest back but chances are he’s got his eyes on a future without you and unless done very carefully the improvements you make will come off desperate and be more repelling.


Saying the spark is gone is the polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive at all and I’m done. You mentioned that lots has happened over the course of the past few years and if that’s because the lack of spark lead to some infidelity the resentment will be difficult to overcome.

It’s an awful situation and I’m sorry.

Or it’s saying I’m depressed and in mid-life crisis and I am looking for an explanation, or someone or something to blame, and you’re my dearest and nearest so I conclude it’s you.

[Anonymous]

By the time someone says they want a divorce, they’re pretty checked out. I tried with my ex husband lots of the things you’re probably thinking about. But it was too little too late. He still wanted to proceed with the divorce. I hope you’re able to rekindle things but it’s tough when both of you aren’t fully invested.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the response to this depends on the gender. If the DW says it's gone, then it's gone and probably not coming back.

If the DH says it's gone, then he's complaining about lack of a passionate sex life. Likely he's made this complaint before in one way or another and it's been ignored. But if you make your relationship - including but not limited to the physical relationship - a top priority, then it can probably come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the response to this depends on the gender. If the DW says it's gone, then it's gone and probably not coming back.

If the DH says it's gone, then he's complaining about lack of a passionate sex life. Likely he's made this complaint before in one way or another and it's been ignored. But if you make your relationship - including but not limited to the physical relationship - a top priority, then it can probably come back.

Agree with this unless they’re having an affair and already moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t reveal your gender and that shouldn’t matter but I kind of think it does. Statements like your partner made are like a brick wall that they build around you, you don’t do it for me anymore and no matter how I have tried to convince myself otherwise you still don’t do it for me anymore so stay in this box while I move on with my life.

If your wife has made the declaration that the spark is gone I think there’s a 90% chance that she stopped being in love with you about three years ago and I don’t think there is coming back from that. You could 20x your net worth and get matching flanks of visible serratus muscles and it wont do a thing.

Now if your husband has told you this then there are lots of things you can do to get his interest back but chances are he’s got his eyes on a future without you and unless done very carefully the improvements you make will come off desperate and be more repelling.


Saying the spark is gone is the polite way of saying I don’t find you attractive at all and I’m done. You mentioned that lots has happened over the course of the past few years and if that’s because the lack of spark lead to some infidelity the resentment will be difficult to overcome.

It’s an awful situation and I’m sorry.

Or it’s saying I’m depressed and in mid-life crisis and I am looking for an explanation, or someone or something to blame, and you’re my dearest and nearest so I conclude it’s you.

Oh wow, this was literally said to me. I'm depressed and before when I was depressed you made me feel better, so the problem must be you! Then had an affair for the dopamine hit and bailed.

Hope yours turns out better, OP. You might want to consider this, works for some people. https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they haven’t found someone else? It’s very tough to leave a marriage/family that still has good components when there’s not someone wise waiting in the wings.

Yeah even if no physical affair, an emotional affair about to turn physical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

I believe it can be. I think a lot of chemistry is communicating so the other person feels the passion.

If both spouses want the marriage and are fundamentally attracted to each other - it is totally possible. But you have to both want the same type of physical relationship prospectively.