Is there any coming back from lack of spark?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

I believe it can be. I think a lot of chemistry is communicating so the other person feels the passion.

If both spouses want the marriage and are fundamentally attracted to each other - it is totally possible. But you have to both want the same type of physical relationship prospectively.

I think the key is that OP's spouse is talking divorce, not just wanting the spark back. So, there may be no fixing as that takes 2. Best to you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

If happens to lot of young parents, raising kids and managing household on top of maintaining marriage, sleep, finances, social lives and careers isn't easy. If you have an otherwise good relationship, its not worth ruining it all for "passion". You sure can make it a priority and work on reigniting and keeping the spark alive. That is unless he found another spark outside then one at home won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

I believe it can be. I think a lot of chemistry is communicating so the other person feels the passion.

If both spouses want the marriage and are fundamentally attracted to each other - it is totally possible. But you have to both want the same type of physical relationship prospectively.

I think the key is that OP's spouse is talking divorce, not just wanting the spark back. So, there may be no fixing as that takes 2. Best to you and your family, OP.

Fair point. If OP’s spouse is set on divorce, I agree there isn’t much that can be done. I’m kind of a Pollyanna though and if OP is right that there’s so much good about their relationship, it seems like the spouse could be open to trying.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why there's any confusion on this: OP is obviously a man. Only women blow up their families' lives because they think they're missing some rom-com "spark."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why there's any confusion on this: OP is obviously a man. Only women blow up their families' lives because they think they're missing some rom-com "spark."

Nah when men do it “spark” is code for sex with someone else.

[Anonymous]

What do you have to lose? Put your ideas in motion while preparing for the worst. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you have to lose? Put your ideas in motion while preparing for the worst. See what happens.

Yes! Perhaps it’s not too far gone and you can turn it around for both of you.
If you are even marginally successful you should come back and report, you’ll be doing someone else a service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they haven’t found someone else? It’s very tough to leave a marriage/family that still has good components when there’s not someone wise waiting in the wings.

It’s almost always the case. They hide the affair very well and it comes out of the blue for the spouse. Blindside.

When they are in lalala land they built a wall against the spouse abs only see negative in their present situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is.

But you both have to want this.

Does your DH want to try with you or is he really done?

+1

I wanted to but H did not. It’s over for us. I don’t think one person can do the work of two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why there's any confusion on this: OP is obviously a man. Only women blow up their families' lives because they think they're missing some rom-com "spark."

Nah when men do it “spark” is code for sex with someone else.

No it can also mean wanting to have sex with someone else. Men have emotional affairs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

I believe it can be. I think a lot of chemistry is communicating so the other person feels the passion.

If both spouses want the marriage and are fundamentally attracted to each other - it is totally possible. But you have to both want the same type of physical relationship prospectively.

I think the key is that OP's spouse is talking divorce, not just wanting the spark back. So, there may be no fixing as that takes 2. Best to you and your family, OP.

Fair point. If OP’s spouse is set on divorce, I agree there isn’t much that can be done. I’m kind of a Pollyanna though and if OP is right that there’s so much good about their relationship, it seems like the spouse could be open to trying.

Prob

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse wants a divorce. There's a lot that's happened both over the course of our marriage and more specifically over the last couple of years that led to this declaration. Much of it, however, has to do with the lack of a spark/chemistry/whatever (which I'm not sure I agree with but I digress). I really want to hold our family together but I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, if anything. There is so much that's good about our marriage. Our friendship is solid, we are great parents and share household responsibilities. I'm more than willing to work on the passion, and have lots of ideas on how we can get there again. Dating each other, prioritizing one another, therapy. Is this really worth blowing up a family over? Is "chemistry" something that can be nurtured or is it either there or not there?

"Chemistry" cannot be nurtured; it is either present or not in a relationship.

Marriages are built on respect and trust as well as dedication to family.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks everyone. This has been helpful in spite of the varying opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks everyone. This has been helpful in spite of the varying opinions.

Unless you are my spouse - just know I am going through the same thing and I hope for a good outcome for you (and me).

I’m hoping I can express to my spouse - in a way they will really believe - my affection and attraction. Good luck rebuilding your spark too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why there's any confusion on this: OP is obviously a man. Only women blow up their families' lives because they think they're missing some rom-com "spark."

Nah when men do it “spark” is code for sex with someone else.

No it can also mean wanting to have sex with someone else. Men have emotional affairs too.

Either way, there’s a someone else in the picture.