Neighbors had a party and didn't invite us

[Anonymous]

They have an annual Christmas party, we saw tons of cars outside their house this year and clearly we weren't invited. Then I ran into my neighbor on the sidewalk taking our her recycling and she mentioned how much recycling she had from the party. so I teasingly said I guess we didn't make the list this year! -- we have a joking rapport -- and she said "Oh yes we were just trying to keep it small."

Well it wasn't small and I wonder what we did to get cut from the list? I just feel weird about it and like I did something wrong?

[Anonymous]

This is not something to give a second's more thought, OP. Move on. If she invites you next year, then choose whether or not you want to go, but if she doesn't? Again, not another thought. Irrelevant to your life.

[Anonymous]

If you want to be petty, have a party and invite them. If not, just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. You’re not entitled to an invitation just because you’re a neighbor. Perhaps they don’t think of you as close as friends as you consider their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. You’re not entitled to an invitation just because you’re a neighbor. Perhaps they don’t think of you as close as friends as you consider their family.

Be kind.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps it was mostly family this year. Or, they did want to keep it small and felt that if you invite one neighbor you have to invite them all.

[Anonymous]

We once invited eight people to a party and ultimately had 22. Sometimes things expand.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people mistake generic neighborly rapport for genuine friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it was mostly family this year. Or, they did want to keep it small and felt that if you invite one neighbor you have to invite them all.

+1

This is my dilemma for parties. If I invite one or two neighbors, then that means I have to invite the rest of them and those numbers add up quickly.

[Anonymous]

It's possible they were just inviting their close friends and not neighbors at all. It's tricky making invite lists. I've been in similar situations and it stings but best to just continue being neighborly and kind and try to shake it off the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Do they typically invite other neighbors? Maybe this year they kept it to closer friends and skipped the neighbors? It could still end up being a large group, just different people than previous years.

It’s possible she’s telling the truth, but also possible she’s trying to create space from you. This happened to DH and I in our old neighborhood. Next door neighbors had an annual adults Halloween party. We were invited twice- one year didn’t attend, then attended the next year- and weren’t the third year. Shortly after, I realized we had been left out of other get togethers with our usual group of neighbors. We ended up moving later that year and most of the group didn’t even say goodbye. While I know we weren’t very close to being with, it still hurt my feelings!

[Anonymous]

First PP above. You've got to think of where you want to end up, and how likely any action is going to get you there.

I can almost guarantee that there is no path where you try to get an answer which leads you to a happier, lighter, more friendly relationship with your neighbor.

Maybe there was a huge marital fight over a bunch of stuff, and they cut out a lot of people to spite each other. (If so, she doesn't want to tell you this, or it will make her feel worse about you to tell you, or it will enmesh you in conflicts, etc.). Maybe some family is irritated by your child, or your spouse, or something (you can't change this and won't feel better knowing this, and she doesn't want to tell you this, or it will make her feel worse about you to tell you, or it will enmesh you in conflicts, etc.). You can see where this is going.

Just be happy. Give her the grace of making her own choices, and gently support that autonomy in an offhanded way by not bothering her. It's the reaction that makes it easiest to invite you again in the future, because you have shown to be someone who is emotionally stable and not reactive about small things. Yes, this is a small things.

And maybe you won't want to be invited in the future. But really, right now, you are highly likely to make your mood and life worse by digging in. Just let it go.

[Anonymous]

If you found out about the party when there were cars in front of her house, you aren't as close to her as you thought. And now that you made a snarky comment about not being invited, you sealed your lack if invite for next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to be petty, have a party and invite them. If not, just let it go.

Or write a petty memoir like Harry did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. You’re not entitled to an invitation just because you’re a neighbor. Perhaps they don’t think of you as close as friends as you consider their family.

Be kind.

That wasn’t unkind at all.