Reply to I want my 16mo old to just fight back…

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[quote=Anonymous]and hit or bite her twin sister just one time and I bet she’d stop.

I have 16mo-old identical twin girls with totally different personalities. Twin A (let’s call her Amelia) is very delicate, needy, sweet, affectionate and prefers playing quietly by herself if her sister isn’t around to terrorize her.  She’ll play with stuffed animals, read books, listen to music and dance, stack blocks etc.  Twin B (she’ll be Beatrice) is loud, energetic, boisterous and very right.  She likes hard physical play.  Climbing, sliding, running into furniture, climbing on furniture, throwing etc.  Both Amelia and Beatrice are about the same size.  Amelia is slightly taller but Beatrice probably weighs a bit more.

They’ve always had this stark personality difference but around maybe 10 or 11 months once both were really moving Beatrice started to non-stop bother her sister.  Pushing, biting, hitting, taking toys… just never ever leaving her alone.  If Amelia had a toy, Beatrice is going to go and take it.  Amelia will be playing quietly and Beatrice just has to come and disrupt and hit or pretend to hug and then bite.  It’s gotten so bad that Amelia is practically scared to death of Beatrice and is clinging on to me all day because she feels safe.  We decided to hire a PT Mother’s Helper (HS Girl) to come in for a few hours in the afternoon after nap so we can play with the girls on different floors. I am a SAHM and know a lot of this stems from jealousy so I figured this way each twin gets solo time with me or another adult they enjoy.  It’s great in that Amelia gets a chance to play on the ground without being disrupted, kicked, hit or bit but as soon as they are together again it starts.

I’ve tried several approaches.  Redirection, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement (nothing crazy, they’re one).  The pediatrician said they don’t understand time outs at this point but I tried out of desperation and it just makes Beatrice angry and more aggressive.

The only way to stop it is to physically separate them.  Or if it’s just me I end up holding Amelia almost all day because she’s scared to get down and play.  It breaks my heart!  I’ve consulted several people (pediatrician, friends who have kids, who have twins etc) who say it’s all normal.  It’s just gotten worse and worse and it does feel excessive.

Well, during the holidays we had a cousin over who has a 18-month-old who is around the same size as my girls.  He was playing nicely and Beatrice went up to do what she does to Amelia and she grabbed his toy and he turned spring and pushed her hard.  She sat there stunned.  Cried and avoided him for awhile.  Cousin and apologized and thought, “Good!  She gets a chance to see how it feels to be on the receiving end!”  There was another time when another family member was watching all three when apparently Beatrice went up and bit the 18-month-old and he bit her back.  So hard it left a mark (but didn’t break skin).  Two more days with him and she never ever messed with him again.

Now I’m just wanting Amelia to do the same.  Like, push her back! Bite her! Don’t let her bully you?  And I can’t even believe I’m thinking these things?  What kind of mother am I?  One that’s totally desperate and loves and adores bother her twins but can’t let this go on anymore.  I’m afraid this is going to be their entire dynamic for life.

Any other suggestions?  I am open to essentially anything aside from biting/spanking/physically disciplining my kid. [/quote]

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