Cluttered house and stressed out spouse

[Anonymous]

I am hoping to gain some collective wisdom regarding a spouse who can't seem to relax.

Quick background: Married 14 years, 2 elementary age children, we both work FT - he works in an office and I work at home. Our house is not large and is currently undergoing a minor renovation, so things are temporarily moved around while work is underway. Kids went back to school yesterday after a long break.

Renovation + holidays (gifts! tree! cards! boxes!) + everyone being home = cluttered, chaotic house

It's not ideal but that's life. We aren't living in filth. Our house looks like an active family lives in it. Actually, for the past 10 years our house has looked like an active family lives in it; the clutter is not exactly new. It goes away and comes back and shifts around and it's a constant battle that parents must learn to live with.

The last few days DH has been on edge and in essence blaming the kids and me for the mess. They were playing with some new toys and DH entered the room and started lecturing everyone on the need for things to have a place. We were reading a book and DH had to lecture about the incorrectness of a set of Legos in a box but not in a closet. On Christmas Day he was so anal about immediately cleaning up that instructions and receipts were tossed. He yelled at me yesterday for not cleaning the cat litter fast enough. Everything out of his mouth is a complaint about a minor mess. He sucks the joy out of the room.

I can't stand it. I told him. He said he'd "watch his tone," then literally started up again 10 minutes later as we were lying in bed. Now I have been sleeping on the sofa in the living room because I don't want to be near him and honestly I don't think he's noticed. He hasn't always been like this. And it's funny that he can go on tangents about clutter and completely ignore his contributions to the mess. I digress.

What can I say to this man to get him to (1) chill out and accept clutter because he has kids and construction; (2) stop his self-righteous lectures; (3) hire a damn cleaning service if it bothers him that much.

TL;DR - Help me, I cannot stand be around my spouse anymore because all he does is nitpick about clutter in our not-that-terrible house.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to please help fix the clutter. Find some bins, put the stuff inside. Find a corner and tuck it away. Get rid of stuff, clear out, make space.

Our house is in disarray right now also. It tends to stress me out before anyone else. But lecturing everyone doesn't do anything. Actually PICKING UP THE CLUTTER does.

[Anonymous]

House Rule - If it bugs you enough to feel the need to say something about it, it bugs you enough to clean something up.

If your DH is bothered, he should be in charge of picking a 15 minute chunk of time every evening for decluttering for the whole family. He has to do all the mental load of planning, getting everyone to participate, leading from the front, making it fun, and supervise, evaluating and adjusting. When is it? Who does what? What items become regular declutter items? Which areas of the house?

Very uncool to criticize you. You are not the master maid or house fairy.

[Anonymous]

His behavior is unkind and I think you need to address that directly. These are not appropriate ways to express his frustration with the clutter.

However, as the person in my marriage who is much more bothered by clutter/mess than my spouse, I can offer some insight into what might be going on in his head and ways you might be able to meet him halfway.

Now, in my house I do most of the cleaning and organizing, so I think it's different. But like your DH, I am very mentally impacted by lots of clutter and mess -- it's not just that it causes anxiety, it's that it can create a snowball of effects that really impact my mental wellness. Like lots of clutter can make it hard to find things I need, or that the kids need. It can make it harder to accomplish basic tasks (like clutter on kitchen counters makes it hard to cook, or clutter on the dining table adds a task to what has to be done before we eat dinner). When the house is cluttered, I find myself fielding lots of requests from my spouse and from kids about being unable to find things, and because I am the person who is more organized and therefore does a better job of keeping track of where I last saw things and where they might be. This is disruptive for me -- I'll have to pause one task to go help find an item, then by the time I turn back to my task, someone else can't find something. Clutter also increases the likelihood of "a big f**kup" like misplacing the gift we bought for a birthday party, a child being completely unable to find their ballet shoes before class, etc. It's just stress on stress.

For me, I can tolerate some controlled clutter up to a point, but we can't just... let it go. We have to be maintaining some sense of order. I'm big on certain surfaces being regularly cleared (kitchen counters, dining table, coffee table -- all places used by all family members and used regularly, and also places that tend to attract random items that people didn't feel like finding a better place for). Other clutter, in bedrooms especially, I can deal with much easier. Sometimes my DD's room is a total wreck, but I can walk away from that and say "we'll deal with it once the holidays are over" and it doesn't put me on edge. But piles of crap all over the dining table, especially if it was recently cleared off for last night's dinner and these piles appeared over a course of hours? No, I would like some help from the family in finding better places for those items, or at least organizing them into stacks or bins or something so it's not just a mess of random items.

I also ask for help from my family in being willing to purge things that are not being used for long periods of time. This is probably the biggest thing my DH has changed over the years to accommodate me, and I really appreciate it. It is his tendency to hold onto things even when they are broken or unusable, "just in case." I meet him halfway by allowing that if something is in good condition and he says he will use it again, we will find a way to store it even if I am skeptical that this will happen. I'm not trying to get him to get rid of all his stuff. But we have a rule in the house that broken or heavily worn items that have not been used within the last year, I can get rid of them without even asking. This pushes him to get stuff fixed if he really wants to keep it, or to use it. But we can't just have these little graveyards of broken consumer items all over the house because that is space we genuinely need for stuff we use, or as areas to play in or work in or prepare food, etc.

So while I do think you need to discuss with him HOW he expresses his frustration about the clutter, and he has to learn to deal with the stress/anxiety it causes in more productive ways, I also think that taking the position "whatever, families have clutter, it's fine and he needs to get used to it" is not going to have the desired result for you. He is acting out of a place of stress and anxiety and he knows that if you can reduce the clutter in your life, you could reduce the stress and anxiety. That is worth trying to meet him halfway on at least the biggest pressure points, whatever those are.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him instead of him walking around yelling at people, go walk around and pick up all of HIS things. Go clean the cat litter himself. Go break down the tree and put it away himself. Don't point out problems - create solutions.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this Lord of the Manor act, too. I feel helpless about it because he does do the heavy lifting with the cleaning, e.g. daily kitchen stuff, bathrooms, big time house maintenance, and the majority of the overall house drudgery. BUT he has major blind spots where overall organization and clean up as you go are concerned and is super sensitive to anything being pointed out to him, ever. The "he sucks the joy out of the room" phrase resonates so much with me. I find myself leaping up and trying to look busy when I hear him coming because I have started to fear his constant grousing so much. He also will not outsource any cleaning or home maintenance. Weekends are devoted to upkeep.

No suggestions, only commiseration.

[Anonymous]

The tone and the yelling and the apparent disrespect need to be addressed simultaneously but separately from the clutter issue.

I am more like you, DW is more like your husband when it comes to clutter tolerance. I hate clutter too, but have come to realize that you have to surrender to it a little when you have kids, because staying on top of it is a losing game.

That said, come up with a reasonable compromise as to what he will accept and what you can reasonably do. You do have some obligation to help keep him sane, but it doesn’t require that you turn into him.

Communicate like adults and work it out. The tone and yelling stuff is not ok and also needs to be addressed. That’s not helpful.

Consider taking a break for 24 hours and getting away to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to gain some collective wisdom regarding a spouse who can't seem to relax.

Quick background: Married 14 years, 2 elementary age children, we both work FT - he works in an office and I work at home. Our house is not large and is currently undergoing a minor renovation, so things are temporarily moved around while work is underway. Kids went back to school yesterday after a long break.

Renovation + holidays (gifts! tree! cards! boxes!) + everyone being home = cluttered, chaotic house

It's not ideal but that's life. We aren't living in filth. Our house looks like an active family lives in it. Actually, for the past 10 years our house has looked like an active family lives in it; the clutter is not exactly new. It goes away and comes back and shifts around and it's a constant battle that parents must learn to live with.

The last few days DH has been on edge and in essence blaming the kids and me for the mess. They were playing with some new toys and DH entered the room and started lecturing everyone on the need for things to have a place. We were reading a book and DH had to lecture about the incorrectness of a set of Legos in a box but not in a closet. On Christmas Day he was so anal about immediately cleaning up that instructions and receipts were tossed. He yelled at me yesterday for not cleaning the cat litter fast enough. Everything out of his mouth is a complaint about a minor mess. He sucks the joy out of the room.

I can't stand it. I told him. He said he'd "watch his tone," then literally started up again 10 minutes later as we were lying in bed. Now I have been sleeping on the sofa in the living room because I don't want to be near him and honestly I don't think he's noticed. He hasn't always been like this. And it's funny that he can go on tangents about clutter and completely ignore his contributions to the mess. I digress.

What can I say to this man to get him to (1) chill out and accept clutter because he has kids and construction; (2) stop his self-righteous lectures; (3) hire a damn cleaning service if it bothers him that much.

TL;DR - Help me, I cannot stand be around my spouse anymore because all he does is nitpick about clutter in our not-that-terrible house.

Tell him you are happy to set aside 20-30 minutes to discuss how to tackle the clutter, but that you will absolutely not entertain one more minute of lectures or freak outs.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him to organize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His behavior is unkind and I think you need to address that directly. These are not appropriate ways to express his frustration with the clutter.

However, as the person in my marriage who is much more bothered by clutter/mess than my spouse, I can offer some insight into what might be going on in his head and ways you might be able to meet him halfway.

Now, in my house I do most of the cleaning and organizing, so I think it's different. But like your DH, I am very mentally impacted by lots of clutter and mess -- it's not just that it causes anxiety, it's that it can create a snowball of effects that really impact my mental wellness. Like lots of clutter can make it hard to find things I need, or that the kids need. It can make it harder to accomplish basic tasks (like clutter on kitchen counters makes it hard to cook, or clutter on the dining table adds a task to what has to be done before we eat dinner). When the house is cluttered, I find myself fielding lots of requests from my spouse and from kids about being unable to find things, and because I am the person who is more organized and therefore does a better job of keeping track of where I last saw things and where they might be. This is disruptive for me -- I'll have to pause one task to go help find an item, then by the time I turn back to my task, someone else can't find something. Clutter also increases the likelihood of "a big f**kup" like misplacing the gift we bought for a birthday party, a child being completely unable to find their ballet shoes before class, etc. It's just stress on stress.

For me, I can tolerate some controlled clutter up to a point, but we can't just... let it go. We have to be maintaining some sense of order. I'm big on certain surfaces being regularly cleared (kitchen counters, dining table, coffee table -- all places used by all family members and used regularly, and also places that tend to attract random items that people didn't feel like finding a better place for). Other clutter, in bedrooms especially, I can deal with much easier. Sometimes my DD's room is a total wreck, but I can walk away from that and say "we'll deal with it once the holidays are over" and it doesn't put me on edge. But piles of crap all over the dining table, especially if it was recently cleared off for last night's dinner and these piles appeared over a course of hours? No, I would like some help from the family in finding better places for those items, or at least organizing them into stacks or bins or something so it's not just a mess of random items.

I also ask for help from my family in being willing to purge things that are not being used for long periods of time. This is probably the biggest thing my DH has changed over the years to accommodate me, and I really appreciate it. It is his tendency to hold onto things even when they are broken or unusable, "just in case." I meet him halfway by allowing that if something is in good condition and he says he will use it again, we will find a way to store it even if I am skeptical that this will happen. I'm not trying to get him to get rid of all his stuff. But we have a rule in the house that broken or heavily worn items that have not been used within the last year, I can get rid of them without even asking. This pushes him to get stuff fixed if he really wants to keep it, or to use it. But we can't just have these little graveyards of broken consumer items all over the house because that is space we genuinely need for stuff we use, or as areas to play in or work in or prepare food, etc.

So while I do think you need to discuss with him HOW he expresses his frustration about the clutter, and he has to learn to deal with the stress/anxiety it causes in more productive ways, I also think that taking the position "whatever, families have clutter, it's fine and he needs to get used to it" is not going to have the desired result for you. He is acting out of a place of stress and anxiety and he knows that if you can reduce the clutter in your life, you could reduce the stress and anxiety. That is worth trying to meet him halfway on at least the biggest pressure points, whatever those are.

All of this. Clutter makes my life harder. It makes every task more difficult. It makes the children and my DH pester me more, asking me where things are, and doing things in the wrong places because the right places are too messy. I hate it so much, and I hate that nobody else cares or helps me. My work spaces become everyone else's dumping grounds and I feel totally disrespected.

Tell your DH that you understand it is stressing him out, and propose a step by step approach to reducing your possessions and developing storage solutions. One micro-zone at a time.

IME the only thing that works is getting rid of a lot of stuff.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, i am with your DH on this. I HATE clutter. If you are playing with something...........great, take out every toy you own. When you are done put the back. If it is something you are building or a fort or something you will play with several days, fine. But there is not just endless crap everywhere with no end in sight.
I could never live that way and neither could my family thank god.

[Anonymous]

One in one out, ahead of the holidays I get rid of a lot of stuff. I don't even tell my kids or DH most of the time, but they also never miss most of the stuff. Also try watching The Home Edit and follow their social media, there are so many ways to declutter and feel more organized. Outer order, inner calm!

[Anonymous]

You need to meet him halfway. Neither of you gets to unilaterally declare what amount of clutter is acceptable. And it's not the inevitable result of having children. It's a choice to fail to manage your home. He's just as fed up with you as you are with him. Some people want a calm and peaceful.home, and his nagging is harming that but your indifference to clutter is an obstacle to it too.

Tell him you understand it bothers him, and that you will take the children outside so he can have time to make some progress. Then he takes the kids and you declutter and purge for a while. Easy.

[Anonymous]

My husband really, really hates the mess of renovations. And we have done a lot over the years. We did two bathrooms, then two more bathrooms, then the kitchen. Like, it is a joke with our contractor how much he hates it. It makes him grouchy.

Some thing I’ve done. We stay at a hotel during any demolition. We tease him about it, which he kind of gruffly acknowledges. But he definitely isn’t a teller — that would be my hill to die on. Nobody yells at our house. Does he yell about other stuff? Because yelling would be my hill to die on.

If my husband was ugly to me about some specific task, I would likely walk away and tell him to do it.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm your spouse. I work from home and need my home to be clean and organized. But hey, I do a lot of it. I don't just run around yelling at dh and my kids to organize. The main problem is that you need to get rid of half of your stuff.