Bad relationship with parents

[Anonymous]

DH has a bad relationship with his parents, to the point that he has stopped being in contact with one of them. Nothing crazy has happened really; I think they just have unrealistic expectations (e.g. even though he is a full fledged adult with a family, they still expect to have a greater say in his life than he tolerates. He also doesn’t want them to interfere with/influence how we raise our kids which they are offended by). He generally doesn’t respect their opinions and isn’t afraid to tell them.

I’m afraid that if their relationship doesn’t improve, it may be something he sorely regrets. What if they die and he never made up with them?

Should I encourage him to find a way to go back to having a normal relationship with them? I don’t want to interfere with it (and am not in love with his parents either...) but I’m afraid he’s being short sighted.

Any insight for those who have experienced this?

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to manage this. Focus on yourself and not managing his feelings (“he’ll regret this”). Honestly it’s rude. It comes off as you judging him and thinking he’s incapable of making decisions about things he knows more about than you. Not a good look.

Instead, you stand ready with support. You listen and be available. If he asks for your opinion, then you can give it. But if he doesn’t, you stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to manage this. Focus on yourself and not managing his feelings (“he’ll regret this”). Honestly it’s rude. It comes off as you judging him and thinking he’s incapable of making decisions about things he knows more about than you. Not a good look.

Instead, you stand ready with support. You listen and be available. If he asks for your opinion, then you can give it. But if he doesn’t, you stay out of it.

Ok, easy enough

[Anonymous]

Stay out of this!!! My husband sometimes tries to manage my relationships with me and my family — we are not close the way his family is. It makes me insane. How I manage my family is not his issue and he should stay out of it. There are 50 years of dynamics that he will never understand.

My mother died 7 years ago and I don’t feel bad at all about how I managed my relationship with her. It will be the same with my dad.

[Anonymous]

OP just because someone is a blood relative does not mean they make your life better or even should be in your life.

I cut off my mother years ago best thing I ever did for my children and my own mental health.

[Anonymous]

My spouse did not get along great with his parents, who have now passed. After his mom died he attended a grief counseling group through hospice that really helped him.

Reminder that your job is to support your spouse, not manage his relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ok thanks all. You’re right, I get along well with my parents so it’s hard to fathom that falling apart, so this is probably just me imposing my views on DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a bad relationship with his parents, to the point that he has stopped being in contact with one of them. Nothing crazy has happened really; I think they just have unrealistic expectations (e.g. even though he is a full fledged adult with a family, they still expect to have a greater say in his life than he tolerates. He also doesn’t want them to interfere with/influence how we raise our kids which they are offended by). He generally doesn’t respect their opinions and isn’t afraid to tell them.

I’m afraid that if their relationship doesn’t improve, it may be something he sorely regrets. What if they die and he never made up with them?

Should I encourage him to find a way to go back to having a normal relationship with them? I don’t want to interfere with it (and am not in love with his parents either...) but I’m afraid he’s being short sighted.

I’m glad you’ve decided to step back and let him lead the relationship with his parents. I do point out that the distance from them appears to be rooted in their desire to control him and the way he lives and parents his children, despite his objections. The answer is for his parents to find a balance with him about how to be connected but not controlling and for him to find a way to resist their attempts without being distancing. None of this is easy to do.

[Anonymous]

I think you should get help to accept what is. Plenty of people have challenging parents and they don't miss them when they pass. It's just taboo to talk about it. Honestly, I only know of one person where he was completely estranged from a terrible dad and he wished he had reached out before dad died. I think there was a lot of magical thinking there based on the stories about his dad. If he had reached out it might have given him closure to know the abuser himself, but it likely would not have resulted in a good relationship. Your husband knows his parents well and chooses to have distance. Respect his wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has a bad relationship with his parents, to the point that he has stopped being in contact with one of them. Nothing crazy has happened really; I think they just have unrealistic expectations (e.g. even though he is a full fledged adult with a family, they still expect to have a greater say in his life than he tolerates. He also doesn’t want them to interfere with/influence how we raise our kids which they are offended by). He generally doesn’t respect their opinions and isn’t afraid to tell them.

I’m afraid that if their relationship doesn’t improve, it may be something he sorely regrets. What if they die and he never made up with them?

Should I encourage him to find a way to go back to having a normal relationship with them? I don’t want to interfere with it (and am not in love with his parents either...) but I’m afraid he’s being short sighted.

I’m glad you’ve decided to step back and let him lead the relationship with his parents. I do point out that the distance from them appears to be rooted in their desire to control him and the way he lives and parents his children, despite his objections. The answer is for his parents to find a balance with him about how to be connected but not controlling and for him to find a way to resist their attempts without being distancing. None of this is easy to do.

+1 I'm sure your heart is in the right place but, not experiencing this behavior growing up, you have no idea what it's like. You should appreciate your DH has established boundaries and support him in maintaining then.

[Anonymous]

My mother forced my dad to have a relationship with his mother because she didn't feel he had good enough reason to cut off. There was no physical or sexual abuse and back then people didn't truly understand what emotional and verbal abuse was and how damaging it is. Anyway, my dad coped by staying out of the house when grandma visited and making grandma mom's problem.

Mom would explode with rage at grandma (her MIL) and grandma would try to drag us in complaining about mom and crying to us. I still feel sick to my stomach remembering what it was like as a little girl to see mom rage at grandma and then to have grandma try to manipulate us and have us take sides. Mom caused a lot of damage with her rigid ideas. Then she would explode at dad for not being around. If she had just respected his wishes and minded her own business she could have saved us all a lot of stress and upset.

[Anonymous]

OP my mother (may she rip) always said to let our husbands handle their family. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother forced my dad to have a relationship with his mother because she didn't feel he had good enough reason to cut off. There was no physical or sexual abuse and back then people didn't truly understand what emotional and verbal abuse was and how damaging it is. Anyway, my dad coped by staying out of the house when grandma visited and making grandma mom's problem.

Mom would explode with rage at grandma (her MIL) and grandma would try to drag us in complaining about mom and crying to us. I still feel sick to my stomach remembering what it was like as a little girl to see mom rage at grandma and then to have grandma try to manipulate us and have us take sides. Mom caused a lot of damage with her rigid ideas. Then she would explode at dad for not being around. If she had just respected his wishes and minded her own business she could have saved us all a lot of stress and upset.

This is so sad. I'm sorry that you - a child! - had to bear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has a bad relationship with his parents, to the point that he has stopped being in contact with one of them. Nothing crazy has happened really; I think they just have unrealistic expectations (e.g. even though he is a full fledged adult with a family, they still expect to have a greater say in his life than he tolerates. He also doesn’t want them to interfere with/influence how we raise our kids which they are offended by). He generally doesn’t respect their opinions and isn’t afraid to tell them.

I’m afraid that if their relationship doesn’t improve, it may be something he sorely regrets. What if they die and he never made up with them?

Should I encourage him to find a way to go back to having a normal relationship with them? I don’t want to interfere with it (and am not in love with his parents either...) but I’m afraid he’s being short sighted.

I’m glad you’ve decided to step back and let him lead the relationship with his parents. I do point out that the distance from them appears to be rooted in their desire to control him and the way he lives and parents his children, despite his objections. The answer is for his parents to find a balance with him about how to be connected but not controlling and for him to find a way to resist their attempts without being distancing. None of this is easy to do.

+1 I'm sure your heart is in the right place but, not experiencing this behavior growing up, you have no idea what it's like. You should appreciate your DH has established boundaries and support him in maintaining then.

This. Look, the fact is they're going to always want to control him. A "normal" relationship is not something he's going to be able to have. I don't know how you think he can "find a way". It would be nice if they had a good relationship, but it's out of his hands, and you pressuring him and meddling is not going to help.

What you think of as "normal" is probably way better than normal. It's normal to you because you're used to it, but for many people they're lucky if the relationship is only okay, not great. Accept that you got lucky and he didn't, okay?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yikes! Glad I asked here first. Staying out of his way for sure!