Resources for Teen with Social Anxiety

[Anonymous]

DD has always had what I would consider borderline social anxiety. She’s always tended to be very socially cautious and reserved and worried somewhat about what people think. Younger it didn’t get in the way of activities and friendships so we just kept an eye on it and assumed it was part of her personality.

Now at 13 it’s getting significantly worse. It’s still not severe but I do think some therapy would be helpful. She’s going to start after the holidays but in the meantime I was wondering if anyone had any resources (for teens or parents) that were helpful in their child’s journey with social anxiety.

I’m thinking books, podcasts, apps etc.
Even just thought processes that worked best for your child.

She’s still ok with her few friends (and I’m grateful for that) but she is avoiding a lot of social things that I know she would have enjoyed in the past. She’s always been quiet but is retreating more and makes comments all the time that she’s embarrassed to look weird in front of people. Afraid that people will make fun of her. Has a real fear of social rejection.

Like I said she’ll be starting therapy soon and I’m sure that will help, was just looking for any other resources or experience others with similar teens may have had.

[Anonymous]

1. Make sure you are using a therapist that will employ cognitive behavioral therapy. If your child doesn’t have “homework” to practice during the week you need a new therapist.

2. I bought “breaking free of shyness and social anxiety workbook for teens”- it was helpful to see they aren’t alone and other teens are experiencing the same thing.

3. Start looking for a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner. Ultimately without medication it was extremely difficult for my 14 year old to do all the Cognitive behavioral therapy. It wasn’t until medication that my child progressed.

4. Good you are on it now because I waited until freshman year of high school to get help for my child who was exactly as you described and 9th grade was really challenging socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Make sure you are using a therapist that will employ cognitive behavioral therapy. If your child doesn’t have “homework” to practice during the week you need a new therapist.

2. I bought “breaking free of shyness and social anxiety workbook for teens”- it was helpful to see they aren’t alone and other teens are experiencing the same thing.

3. Start looking for a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner. Ultimately without medication it was extremely difficult for my 14 year old to do all the Cognitive behavioral therapy. It wasn’t until medication that my child progressed.

4. Good you are on it now because I waited until freshman year of high school to get help for my child who was exactly as you described and 9th grade was really challenging socially.

All of these things. Also, ignore the people on here who tell you that you have to force her to do everything for "exposure". Exposure is how you treat anxiety but most people on here don't seem to understand the nuances that go in to it. I would follow directions from her therapist or even the workbook you got her.

[Anonymous]

I am going to echo that medication is the only thing that truly helped my anxiety + depression that I've had for a lifetime, but I know a lot of people don't want to use medication on their children.

I'm talking a 10mg daily dose of lexapro, not ketamine. It's worth looking into and considering, along with CBT/therapy as an added thinking changer.

Agree with PP that sometimes its chemical, physiological and difficult to treat without the meds. I could never exercise, think "right" or get enough sleep to resolve it otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Our college age DD started CBT for social anxiety in 7th grade and has never stopped. It helped (no more major crisis moments but still weighed down by anxiety, dragging herself through life). When she began meds along with therapy at age 18 as a college freshman she was able to make huge progress. Within weeks, she started to be able to sleep, eat, roll with social things more easily, and now she is able to really do the work of CBT. Of course she's more mature now compared to her middle school self so that helps. Looking back, I think we parents should have asked about meds earlier, maybe in 10th grade when her sleep went haywire. But no one suggested it.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Echo the need for therapy. My son had therapy for four years and it was very helpful. He quit during covid because he did not want to do virtual therapy and be on a screen (part of his social anxiety). But he is still using a lot of those skillsets he learned up to that point.

And one additional thing that has been helpful in high school:

A book directed at executive functioning skills. He has ADHD too and had some emotional regulation challenges. This book helped him avoid getting angry or upset. But amazingly, it works really well for anxiety about anticipating all that could go wrong at social functions.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1598576038/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1


It teaches kids to think through their Plan A (what they want) and develop a Plan B (what to do if they don't get what they want). This may seem second nature to most people, but it isn't so obvious for many who are neurodivergent.

For example: Plan A: I want to go to Kaya's bowling party but I'm scared nobody will talk to me, or they will make fun of me because I can't bowl, or I just won't fit in because all the other girls are better friends.

Plan B: If I feel like people are ignoring me, I can ask open-ended questions. People like to talk about themselves. "Hi, Alissa, are you going away for Christmas this year? Oh, wow, you are seeing Harry Stiles in concert! That's better than any vacation. Take a lot of pics! What other concerts have you been to?"

And so on. Developing Plan Bs and Cs has really helped my son dial down all sorts of anxiety, but what he faces most is social anxiety. And it has worked well for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Make sure you are using a therapist that will employ cognitive behavioral therapy. If your child doesn’t have “homework” to practice during the week you need a new therapist.

2. I bought “breaking free of shyness and social anxiety workbook for teens”- it was helpful to see they aren’t alone and other teens are experiencing the same thing.

3. Start looking for a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner. Ultimately without medication it was extremely difficult for my 14 year old to do all the Cognitive behavioral therapy. It wasn’t until medication that my child progressed.

4. Good you are on it now because I waited until freshman year of high school to get help for my child who was exactly as you described and 9th grade was really challenging socially.

Yes and no to this. CBT is very useful, but the teen has to be willing to do the work. If she is receptive in session, but doesn't want to HW it can still be effective, just not as effective. Also, make sure the therapist is truly savvy. Teens can be pretty cruel to eachother. Some of her thoughts may be realistic and not cognitive distortions. You don't want it to turn into gaslighting. Some of it may be accepting it's not the end of the world if someone does make fun of you and having coping skills and plans of action.

Also, some teens really struggle with weightgain on the meds over time and this can set off other issues. Just be prepared for that. It is complicated and you definitely want to give the therapy a try on it's own first. Meds can open a pandora's box, but in some cases are truly life changing for the better.

[Anonymous]

Op here…Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. They were all so appreciated!! I have a lot to think about but hearing thoughts from people who have been through it really helps!

[Anonymous]

Not OP but what do you do when your child doesn’t want to do therapy? I was finally able to convince my DD16 to try it and two sessions in the therapist said she can’t help because DD isn’t motivated and she (the therapist) doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong” with her. I agree that there isn’t anything wrong but she does have social anxiety that keeps her from doing most things at this age, including seeing any friends outside of school. I hate having to throw in the towel so quickly but this therapist basically gave my DD permission to stop because she doesn’t need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but what do you do when your child doesn’t want to do therapy? I was finally able to convince my DD16 to try it and two sessions in the therapist said she can’t help because DD isn’t motivated and she (the therapist) doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong” with her. I agree that there isn’t anything wrong but she does have social anxiety that keeps her from doing most things at this age, including seeing any friends outside of school. I hate having to throw in the towel so quickly but this therapist basically gave my DD permission to stop because she doesn’t need it.

I’m in this same situation. DD 15 won’t do anything social outside of school. Every school break is spent sitting around at home unless we as parents are entertaining her. It’s a really difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but what do you do when your child doesn’t want to do therapy? I was finally able to convince my DD16 to try it and two sessions in the therapist said she can’t help because DD isn’t motivated and she (the therapist) doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong” with her. I agree that there isn’t anything wrong but she does have social anxiety that keeps her from doing most things at this age, including seeing any friends outside of school. I hate having to throw in the towel so quickly but this therapist basically gave my DD permission to stop because she doesn’t need it.

I’m in this same situation. DD 15 won’t do anything social outside of school. Every school break is spent sitting around at home unless we as parents are entertaining her. It’s a really difficult situation.

Question for you and OP:

- which social media platforms are your teen daughters mostly using?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but what do you do when your child doesn’t want to do therapy? I was finally able to convince my DD16 to try it and two sessions in the therapist said she can’t help because DD isn’t motivated and she (the therapist) doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong” with her. I agree that there isn’t anything wrong but she does have social anxiety that keeps her from doing most things at this age, including seeing any friends outside of school. I hate having to throw in the towel so quickly but this therapist basically gave my DD permission to stop because she doesn’t need it.

I’m in this same situation. DD 15 won’t do anything social outside of school. Every school break is spent sitting around at home unless we as parents are entertaining her. It’s a really difficult situation.

Question for you and OP:

- which social media platforms are your teen daughters mostly using?

I’m the PP this PP was responding to. My DD is not on any social media.

[Anonymous]

FLusterclux podcast- they have one about social anxieyt but start with one from Nov. 2022, about supporting your anxious child. It is a great introduction and some very important tidbits in there to get you started. I think after listening to that you may want to listen to many others too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FLusterclux podcast- they have one about social anxieyt but start with one from Nov. 2022, about supporting your anxious child. It is a great introduction and some very important tidbits in there to get you started. I think after listening to that you may want to listen to many others too!

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but what do you do when your child doesn’t want to do therapy? I was finally able to convince my DD16 to try it and two sessions in the therapist said she can’t help because DD isn’t motivated and she (the therapist) doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong” with her. I agree that there isn’t anything wrong but she does have social anxiety that keeps her from doing most things at this age, including seeing any friends outside of school. I hate having to throw in the towel so quickly but this therapist basically gave my DD permission to stop because she doesn’t need it.

I’m in this same situation. DD 15 won’t do anything social outside of school. Every school break is spent sitting around at home unless we as parents are entertaining her. It’s a really difficult situation.

Op here… dd is not on any social media. She has a phone and texts friends about things like schoolwork or structured activities and will reply to friends when they text her but never ever initiates on her own. If I hound her to make plans she will and always is happy afterwards but she does not take the step to actually do it herself. It’s exhausting and frustrating having to be the one keeping her socially engaged. If I thought she truly didn’t enjoy getting out with friends or participating in some of these activities I’d prob back off and chalk it up to her being more of an introvert, but it’s not that. She’s at the point now where fear of rejection, fear or looking silly and fear of being excluded is keeping her from being more engaged.