Messy spouse question

[Anonymous]

If you have a spouse that never puts anything away, anywhere, no matter what it is...kitchen stuff, tools, plates after eating, bowls and pots, dirty laundry ( always on floor in bedroom or bathroom or in every room) clean clothes shoved in closet on floor if they even make it to the closet, shoes left all over, coats draped over furnture, papers and bills stuffed in any crevice, packaged food put away wherever it fits on a shelf, or top of fridge.

This spouse cleans nothing, ever unless forced to or because of obvious mice, but even then not right away until it'sobvioys to other members of the family- with tons of stuff in every category repurchased because they can't readily find this stuff, so there's more stuff everywhere-and this has been very long term, decades, with thousands upon thousands of discussions about it...

I am the problem, right? And why am I still angry STILL? What is wrong with me? Isn't it a case of live with it OR not? I don't know what I'm supposed to do, actually .

[Anonymous]

Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

[Anonymous]

Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't do it. I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

So, I will guess here that you are the CEO of everything, though. Bills, appts, procurement of items regardless of what, gifts for everyone, arrangements of everything. Am I right?

I get the zones thing, but I have to be in these places, too, and use the stuff, also. I am not OCD neat, but I'm literally walking around, for years, picking up after. I would never find food on the shelves, or I would open them and everything would fall out. Nothing remains in organized state. Ever.
Can't use a hamper or bag, so clothes are just everywhere.
This week I couldn't find the HW medication that was due on the day, turned the house upside down because I knew I had it. Dog went without and I had to buy more. Found it later, shoved behind some cereal on a shelf. We've spent a fortune rebuying stuff that just never is put away. Food goes bad. 50 screwdrivers and other tools as examples. Hundreds of drill bits. Batteries, dead and active, maybe 1000. 100 pairs of underwear and socks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

I already am. Ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

So, I will guess here that you are the CEO of everything, though. Bills, appts, procurement of items regardless of what, gifts for everyone, arrangements of everything. Am I right?

I get the zones thing, but I have to be in these places, too, and use the stuff, also. I am not OCD neat, but I'm literally walking around, for years, picking up after. I would never find food on the shelves, or I would open them and everything would fall out. Nothing remains in organized state. Ever.
Can't use a hamper or bag, so clothes are just everywhere.
This week I couldn't find the HW medication that was due on the day, turned the house upside down because I knew I had it. Dog went without and I had to buy more. Found it later, shoved behind some cereal on a shelf. We've spent a fortune rebuying stuff that just never is put away. Food goes bad. 50 screwdrivers and other tools as examples. Hundreds of drill bits. Batteries, dead and active, maybe 1000. 100 pairs of underwear and socks.

Ha - you’ve got my number. Yep, I’m the CEO of the house. If it needs doing, I’m the one doing it. (Except repairs - my DH is a mechanic and will fix all broken things and manage the cars. I’m grateful for that.) But yes, hundreds of duplicates, things shoved everywhere, important stuff lost. But here’s the thing - it’s all just stuff. We are on this earth for a few short years. We are given these precious people to care for. Your DH has traits you love. Focus on those. At least, it’s what I try to do. I don’t think all the therapy in the world will change my husband. So I’m focusing on my mindset. It helps.

(Usually. This morning I flipped out about a random mess and sent him an unhinged text message and followed it with a screaming rant when he got home. But then I calmed down again. Sigh.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

So, I will guess here that you are the CEO of everything, though. Bills, appts, procurement of items regardless of what, gifts for everyone, arrangements of everything. Am I right?

I get the zones thing, but I have to be in these places, too, and use the stuff, also. I am not OCD neat, but I'm literally walking around, for years, picking up after. I would never find food on the shelves, or I would open them and everything would fall out. Nothing remains in organized state. Ever.
Can't use a hamper or bag, so clothes are just everywhere.
This week I couldn't find the HW medication that was due on the day, turned the house upside down because I knew I had it. Dog went without and I had to buy more. Found it later, shoved behind some cereal on a shelf. We've spent a fortune rebuying stuff that just never is put away. Food goes bad. 50 screwdrivers and other tools as examples. Hundreds of drill bits. Batteries, dead and active, maybe 1000. 100 pairs of underwear and socks.

Ha - you’ve got my number. Yep, I’m the CEO of the house. If it needs doing, I’m the one doing it. (Except repairs - my DH is a mechanic and will fix all broken things and manage the cars. I’m grateful for that.) But yes, hundreds of duplicates, things shoved everywhere, important stuff lost. But here’s the thing - it’s all just stuff. We are on this earth for a few short years. We are given these precious people to care for. Your DH has traits you love. Focus on those. At least, it’s what I try to do. I don’t think all the therapy in the world will change my husband. So I’m focusing on my mindset. It helps.

(Usually. This morning I flipped out about a random mess and sent him an unhinged text message and followed it with a screaming rant when he got home. But then I calmed down again. Sigh.)

Thanks, I needed that. Ok, it is me.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. You aren't the only one. I'm so angry all the time and I don't know how to get past it. I just want to have a clean, uncluttered house where I can relax and not feel constantly stressed out about the mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. You aren't the only one. I'm so angry all the time and I don't know how to get past it. I just want to have a clean, uncluttered house where I can relax and not feel constantly stressed out about the mess.

I would even settle for somewhat organized, not even going for clean all the time.

[Anonymous]

Or how about a house where I’m not too embarrassed to have guests? That would be nice.

[Anonymous]

I could never marry someone like that. Why did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never marry someone like that. Why did you?

There's probably a lot of things that aren't that clear until one is well in. This may be one. Also, it may look like one thing, but when there's a family it looks like something different.
Personality and love also supersede a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

So, I will guess here that you are the CEO of everything, though. Bills, appts, procurement of items regardless of what, gifts for everyone, arrangements of everything. Am I right?

I get the zones thing, but I have to be in these places, too, and use the stuff, also. I am not OCD neat, but I'm literally walking around, for years, picking up after. I would never find food on the shelves, or I would open them and everything would fall out. Nothing remains in organized state. Ever.
Can't use a hamper or bag, so clothes are just everywhere.
This week I couldn't find the HW medication that was due on the day, turned the house upside down because I knew I had it. Dog went without and I had to buy more. Found it later, shoved behind some cereal on a shelf. We've spent a fortune rebuying stuff that just never is put away. Food goes bad. 50 screwdrivers and other tools as examples. Hundreds of drill bits. Batteries, dead and active, maybe 1000. 100 pairs of underwear and socks.

Ha - you’ve got my number. Yep, I’m the CEO of the house. If it needs doing, I’m the one doing it. (Except repairs - my DH is a mechanic and will fix all broken things and manage the cars. I’m grateful for that.) But yes, hundreds of duplicates, things shoved everywhere, important stuff lost. But here’s the thing - it’s all just stuff. We are on this earth for a few short years. We are given these precious people to care for. Your DH has traits you love. Focus on those. At least, it’s what I try to do. I don’t think all the therapy in the world will change my husband. So I’m focusing on my mindset. It helps.

(Usually. This morning I flipped out about a random mess and sent him an unhinged text message and followed it with a screaming rant when he got home. But then I calmed down again. Sigh.)

Thanks, I needed that. Ok, it is me.

I’m not sure why you mean by “Ok, it is me.” I didn’t say that. But the only thing you can control on this situation is how YOU react to it. You can’t force other people to act the way you want them to. So you choose suck it up because you think he is worth it, find a way to compromise, or leave. Those are the choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

So, I will guess here that you are the CEO of everything, though. Bills, appts, procurement of items regardless of what, gifts for everyone, arrangements of everything. Am I right?

I get the zones thing, but I have to be in these places, too, and use the stuff, also. I am not OCD neat, but I'm literally walking around, for years, picking up after. I would never find food on the shelves, or I would open them and everything would fall out. Nothing remains in organized state. Ever.
Can't use a hamper or bag, so clothes are just everywhere.
This week I couldn't find the HW medication that was due on the day, turned the house upside down because I knew I had it. Dog went without and I had to buy more. Found it later, shoved behind some cereal on a shelf. We've spent a fortune rebuying stuff that just never is put away. Food goes bad. 50 screwdrivers and other tools as examples. Hundreds of drill bits. Batteries, dead and active, maybe 1000. 100 pairs of underwear and socks.

Ha - you’ve got my number. Yep, I’m the CEO of the house. If it needs doing, I’m the one doing it. (Except repairs - my DH is a mechanic and will fix all broken things and manage the cars. I’m grateful for that.) But yes, hundreds of duplicates, things shoved everywhere, important stuff lost. But here’s the thing - it’s all just stuff. We are on this earth for a few short years. We are given these precious people to care for. Your DH has traits you love. Focus on those. At least, it’s what I try to do. I don’t think all the therapy in the world will change my husband. So I’m focusing on my mindset. It helps.

(Usually. This morning I flipped out about a random mess and sent him an unhinged text message and followed it with a screaming rant when he got home. But then I calmed down again. Sigh.)

Thanks, I needed that. Ok, it is me.

It is not you. That is a truly disgusting way to live. I would have divorced him long ago.