Messy spouse question

[Anonymous]

I’m the messy spouse. Complicated physical health reasons why that don’t include ADHD. We found that I’m neater when I’m well-rested and not rushed because of other things. DH is a military vet so he likes things very neat. I’ll never naturally be as neat as he is, but we found a good compromise, which is a crucial part of a second marriage anyway.

I have a designated spot for most things and before I got to bed, I spend 5-10 min putting those things away. If we have a chaotic week or I’m experiencing flares, that’s when I won’t get around to it and things get messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the messer or the messee? My DH is a mess-maker. It is the single biggest friction point in our marriage. I thought a bigger house would help, but that just results in bigger messes.

We hired a cleaning company for the important things (clean is more important than neat, IMO). And we have divided the house into zones. After 15 years he finally gets that his crap needs to not be in the living room, kitchen, or all over the bedroom. The basement and garage are like something out of hoarders, however, and I don’t go to either place.

It is REALLY hard because I’m OCD neat. But I love him more than I hate the mess. And I’m putting this one in the “for better or worse” bucket.

So, I will guess here that you are the CEO of everything, though. Bills, appts, procurement of items regardless of what, gifts for everyone, arrangements of everything. Am I right?

I get the zones thing, but I have to be in these places, too, and use the stuff, also. I am not OCD neat, but I'm literally walking around, for years, picking up after. I would never find food on the shelves, or I would open them and everything would fall out. Nothing remains in organized state. Ever.
Can't use a hamper or bag, so clothes are just everywhere.
This week I couldn't find the HW medication that was due on the day, turned the house upside down because I knew I had it. Dog went without and I had to buy more. Found it later, shoved behind some cereal on a shelf. We've spent a fortune rebuying stuff that just never is put away. Food goes bad. 50 screwdrivers and other tools as examples. Hundreds of drill bits. Batteries, dead and active, maybe 1000. 100 pairs of underwear and socks.

Ha - you’ve got my number. Yep, I’m the CEO of the house. If it needs doing, I’m the one doing it. (Except repairs - my DH is a mechanic and will fix all broken things and manage the cars. I’m grateful for that.) But yes, hundreds of duplicates, things shoved everywhere, important stuff lost. But here’s the thing - it’s all just stuff. We are on this earth for a few short years. We are given these precious people to care for. Your DH has traits you love. Focus on those. At least, it’s what I try to do. I don’t think all the therapy in the world will change my husband. So I’m focusing on my mindset. It helps.

(Usually. This morning I flipped out about a random mess and sent him an unhinged text message and followed it with a screaming rant when he got home. But then I calmed down again. Sigh.)

Thanks, I needed that. Ok, it is me.

I’m not sure why you mean by “Ok, it is me.” I didn’t say that. But the only thing you can control on this situation is how YOU react to it. You can’t force other people to act the way you want them to. So you choose suck it up because you think he is worth it, find a way to compromise, or leave. Those are the choices.

There's really no compromise on this,if there was that would mean the messy spouse has control over their behavior.

It is me because I get upset- like the rant you speak of.

[Anonymous]

Just get a maid and leave your spouse alone. It feels like you’re being controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a spouse that never puts anything away, anywhere, no matter what it is...kitchen stuff, tools, plates after eating, bowls and pots, dirty laundry ( always on floor in bedroom or bathroom or in every room) clean clothes shoved in closet on floor if they even make it to the closet, shoes left all over, coats draped over furnture, papers and bills stuffed in any crevice, packaged food put away wherever it fits on a shelf, or top of fridge.

This spouse cleans nothing, ever unless forced to or because of obvious mice, but even then not right away until it'sobvioys to other members of the family- with tons of stuff in every category repurchased because they can't readily find this stuff, so there's more stuff everywhere-and this has been very long term, decades, with thousands upon thousands of discussions about it...

I am the problem, right? And why am I still angry STILL? What is wrong with me? Isn't it a case of live with it OR not? I don't know what I'm supposed to do, actually .

I was in this situation. I spent some time thinking about how I can make it exquisitely painful for my spouse to continue to live like that, and then implemented some of the ideas. Sort of if you get a jolt of electricity every time you leave your crap around, you’ll eventually stop doing that because you want to avoid the shocks. Yes, abusive, but not less abusive than forcing me to live in squalor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just get a maid and leave your spouse alone. It feels like you’re being controlling.

Lol. A maid literally could not deal with this. They come to clean,
not pick stuff up and put it away. What maid is going to pick up 25 drill bits from all corners of the house? What maid would reorganize the cabinets every week? This shows you have no understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just get a maid and leave your spouse alone. It feels like you’re being controlling.

Nice try, but the messy spouse is actually the one controlling. That spouse controls how everyone lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

I already am. Ship has sailed.

You left your spouse because they were messy?

So much for in sickness and in health. He's better off without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a spouse that never puts anything away, anywhere, no matter what it is...kitchen stuff, tools, plates after eating, bowls and pots, dirty laundry ( always on floor in bedroom or bathroom or in every room) clean clothes shoved in closet on floor if they even make it to the closet, shoes left all over, coats draped over furnture, papers and bills stuffed in any crevice, packaged food put away wherever it fits on a shelf, or top of fridge.

This spouse cleans nothing, ever unless forced to or because of obvious mice, but even then not right away until it'sobvioys to other members of the family- with tons of stuff in every category repurchased because they can't readily find this stuff, so there's more stuff everywhere-and this has been very long term, decades, with thousands upon thousands of discussions about it...

I am the problem, right? And why am I still angry STILL? What is wrong with me? Isn't it a case of live with it OR not? I don't know what I'm supposed to do, actually .

I was in this situation. I spent some time thinking about how I can make it exquisitely painful for my spouse to continue to live like that, and then implemented some of the ideas. Sort of if you get a jolt of electricity every time you leave your crap around, you’ll eventually stop doing that because you want to avoid the shocks. Yes, abusive, but not less abusive than forcing me to live in squalor.

Can you provide an example or two? Did your spouse pick up on what you were doing?

[Anonymous]

Can you have a space space? A room that is yours only (guest room?) that brings you peace and respite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a space space? A room that is yours only (guest room?) that brings you peace and respite?

Sorry, “safe space”…

[Anonymous]

This is my sister. Never married or had kids. Lives in the house we grew up in. I’ve helped out periodically but it just goes back to the way it was and worse. We made a huge dent last spring and I saw some light at the end of the tunnel, but I was there last month and it’s like all that work never happened.

She literally doesn’t see an issue, even though there are rooms you can’t walk through. I could not live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a space space? A room that is yours only (guest room?) that brings you peace and respite?

Sorry, “safe space”…

I need a safe house otherwise I am a prisoner here. I would never find various foods, tools, papers. Bills have to be paid. People would not be able to come over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

I already am. Ship has sailed.

You left your spouse because they were messy?

So much for in sickness and in health. He's better off without you.

No. Where did you get that from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

I already am. Ship has sailed.

You left your spouse because they were messy?

So much for in sickness and in health. He's better off without you.

Funny. A person like this would not survive without a second party organizing and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just get a maid and leave your spouse alone. It feels like you’re being controlling.

You realize that there a many people who have to declutter BEFORE a maid can even come. Secondly, maids aren't in the budget for most people. So one spouse takes on the load.