Messy spouse question

[Anonymous]

I shove all of my stuff in my husbands office. It looks like a scene off of hoarders. he barely has a trail that leads to his desk. Its unfinished projects, stuff that needs to get returned, things he deems sentimental, trash, etc. I clean the entire house, with no complaints. His job is to tackle that one room once a month. It has been five years and he has yet to do it. He has ADHD. I have neatfreak syndrome.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is definitely not a "you" problem. You signed up to be a partner/spouse not a parent picking up after a man-child.

For some people, this issue is enough of a problem to warrant divorce, for others it isn't. From a financial perspective, divorce will be way more expense than whatever replacement costs you currently have for misplaced items. However, I completely understand wanting your home to be clean, neat and orderly, for your own peace of mind and the ability to have friends and family over.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this has to be one person's fault. You are describing my DH completely. But, you are also describing me. We both have ADHD. We're not hoarders and our house isn't filthy, but it is messy. Are either of us doing something wrong? No, bc we're both fine with it. This a a point of incompatibility. All marriages have them. Maybe seek help from an ADHD coach who can come in, assess the situation, and come up with a reasonable plan for you and your dh to implement that will mitigate the pain for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shove all of my stuff in my husbands office. It looks like a scene off of hoarders. he barely has a trail that leads to his desk. Its unfinished projects, stuff that needs to get returned, things he deems sentimental, trash, etc. I clean the entire house, with no complaints. His job is to tackle that one room once a month. It has been five years and he has yet to do it. He has ADHD. I have neatfreak syndrome.

Are you a neat freak, really? I mean the alternative to your husband's room isn't "neat freak." Just general living requires even the basic level of organization, not a prototype for Instagram. I mean, just being able to find a bucket, a box of cereal, a medication, a bill (?)

Doing the laundry and putting the clothes away in some semblance of finding them again. Do you need to shop for a can of beans, oregano, or bandaids, or do you have them? And where are they? Can you find a pair of scissors or are they continuously repurchased,

That kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

I think I am raising one of these. It’s so annoying and I nag him all the time but he never fixes it. I am so sorry in advance to his future wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

True.

If so,
Messy Spouse needs way less stuff.

Messy spouse shouldn’t have access to tools, or kitchen stuff, or other things that they lose or neglect or break or leave out.

Messy spouse should get treated

Messy spouse can have a room in the basement with the mice. Like a dog that bits housetrained. Just let it fill with poop and stink. Their mother and father will be proud.

Messy spouse can do their own laundry, provided they don’t make a mess, dump over detergent, break the appliances.

Messy spouse can pay for weekly cleaners and needs to put every away where it belongs. Messy spouse can also pay for executive functioning coach and professional organizer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just get a maid and leave your spouse alone. It feels like you’re being controlling.

Lol. A maid literally could not deal with this. They come to clean,
not pick stuff up and put it away. What maid is going to pick up 25 drill bits from all corners of the house? What maid would reorganize the cabinets every week? This shows you have no understanding.

Correct they just shove everything off the desk, dresser, counter and floor into a bucket or pile and then deep clean the surface or floor or carpet. They doing give two F’s if a late bill is there or and old bagel or tickets to a concert or old Amazon packages… they ain’t touching it. They prob can’t read English either.

[Anonymous]

Maria lo do away all his stufff. And your stuff.

Do you have kids? That will get really messy with someone mindblind to mess like him.

[Anonymous]

Maria kondo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse has ADHD. You need to learn about living with a spouse who has ADHD or you will go insane.

True.

If so,
Messy Spouse needs way less stuff.

Messy spouse shouldn’t have access to tools, or kitchen stuff, or other things that they lose or neglect or break or leave out.

Messy spouse should get treated

Messy spouse can have a room in the basement with the mice. Like a dog that bits housetrained. Just let it fill with poop and stink. Their mother and father will be proud.

Messy spouse can do their own laundry, provided they don’t make a mess, dump over detergent, break the appliances.

Messy spouse can pay for weekly cleaners and needs to put every away where it belongs. Messy spouse can also pay for executive functioning coach and professional organizer.

[Anonymous]

You get used to it OP. Especially if you can identify the few things he can do by himself without any prompting or much prompting. Throw all those responsibilities on his plate. Can he drive to pick up and drop off everything? Take out trash daily? Empty dishwasher daily? Play with kids? Whatever he is good at, let him have it. Then, you pick up the rest in the marriage and you won't feel so burdened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't do it. I left.

Same