Don't want to attend funerals

[Anonymous]

For a variety of reasons including spiritual beliefs, I no longer wish to attend family funerals. Anyone tackled this matter with family before? How did it go? I feel like my family is going to lose it.

[Anonymous]

Can you expound a little more?

[Anonymous]

Does your family have a tradition of wakes? You can usually go to those and skip the graveside. I don’t ever go to funerals of extended family. Of course, parents, siblings etc, you have to go. I mean this nicely, but why can’t you suck it up and go? No one likes them.

[Anonymous]

This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way but for different reasons. I have had very fractured family relationships and do not wish to spend time or money toward funerals of people who caused considerable pain in my life. It won’t go over well. My life, my choice is how I look at it.

[Anonymous]

You need to have a reason people can understand, otherwise you're going to seem incredibly disrespectful, OP.

I missed an uncle's funeral in Asia, because I didn't want to travel that far. I missed THREE relatives' funerals during the pandemic, one because her country was closed to foreigners, and two because they had refused the vaccine, and I wasn't about to travel across the Atlantic for vaccine-deniers. My excuse was that they were all too far for us, and those reasons were accepted.

So think of something quick, OP. The deepest, most solidly-anchored tradition in all cultures is attendance to the ceremony for a deceased person (wake, funeral, whatever it is in other cultures). It's a huge deal to flout it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to attend a funeral for the person who died. They are dead, they won’t know, and people grieve in different ways so if if you don’t like funerals I see nothing wrong with skipping it in terms of honoring that person, if going truly won’t help you in terms of processing their death.

BUT the other reason to go is to show support for their surviving family. If you know the survivors and have any close relationship with them, I think it’s important to show support in some way. I get the part about spiritual beliefs. A lot if my family is Catholic and there are aspects of their funerals I don’t attend due to not being Catholic and not feeling comfortable with it. I also don’t do open caskets and will not go view a body. But in my experience, people appreciate you coming for whatever part of the funeral you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

There is always going to be this person who abuses the word "selfish" as a way to manipulate. Ignore.

OP it would be helpful to understand more. f the person was abusive in some way I see no reason to attend. If there are scary family dynamics, but you loved the deceased you can honor him or her in another way. If you hate and dread the depressive aspect, then maybe just attend for the people who truly made a difference in your life and showed real love, but skip for the relatives who really had no positive impact.

[Anonymous]

I just went to a colleague’s visitation but did not stay for the funeral. The visitation is strictly to offer condolences. Why not do that?

[Anonymous]

You can skip funerals and people can think you’re a jerk. Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

If you explain rational and true reasons and your family “loses it” then that’s on them.

If you cannot attend a funeral for whatever reason, please find another way to honor the deceased (presuming you had a good relationship) and support those left behind. That’s the intent of the funeral anyway and it will mean a great deal to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just went to a colleague’s visitation but did not stay for the funeral. The visitation is strictly to offer condolences. Why not do that?

This is basically what I do as well, though I will say it's much easier to do this for a friend or colleague than a family member. If you aren't family, people generally appreciate any appearance you make.

Family funerals are different and there is often a lot more obligation involved, and people are understandably emotional and not always rational or understanding about people's limitations. In my husband's family, for instance, if someone came for the visitation but did not show up for the funeral itself, it would be viewed as a personal insult and people would "lose it." It would lead to fighting and I could see someone who had a spiritual objection to the funeral just choosing to stay away altogether to avoid being yelled at for it.

Both my DH and I have specific family members who are very volatile and are always very demanding about what other people are doing (and sensitive to the idea of "respect"), and I can kind of understand a family member wanting to avoid a funeral altogether rather than risk setting one of them off by being selective about what aspects of the services they attend.

I bet part of OP's objection is spiritual but that the real sticking point is that OP has family members who are intolerant of any deviation from their expectations and this puts OP in the situation of either attending the funeral and doing it exactly as the family expects or not going at all.

[Anonymous]

Eh, just say you have to work.

[Anonymous]

I have been to many funerals at this point and there are plenty of people I thought would be there who were not. I just assumed the person was sick/had to work or is not a funeral person. That said, for someone I truly adored I personally feel compelled and need to go there to share with the loved ones my experience and honor the person. That said, have been to plenty of obligatory ones where I probably would have skipped if I had a decent reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

There is always going to be this person who abuses the word "selfish" as a way to manipulate. Ignore.

OP it would be helpful to understand more. f the person was abusive in some way I see no reason to attend. If there are scary family dynamics, but you loved the deceased you can honor him or her in another way. If you hate and dread the depressive aspect, then maybe just attend for the people who truly made a difference in your life and showed real love, but skip for the relatives who really had no positive impact.

Yeah because everyone who actually shows up says to themselves, yippee I can’t wait to go X’s funeral. No one wants to be there. If it’s not selfish then what is it?