How to get noticed by your own coaches?

[Anonymous]

My DD is stuck in a pattern in which at the beginning of a year or season, coaches are really excited about her attitude and potential. She works super hard, shows up with a positive but aggressive attitude every day, and is renlentless in trying to execute what the coaches ask her to do.

Unfortunately, after a couple of seasons in more than one sport with different coaches, I’ve noticed a pattern. As the season goes on, coaches’ attention gravitates to everyone but her. The main reasons I notice is that coaches give focused attention to girls who are behind in certain areas, and to girls who have behavioral problems/bad attitudes/slack off.

The recipients of the negative attention especially seem to bloom athletically. Worse yet, even when their attitudes or work ethic doesn’t change, the coaches just seem to eventually shrug it off since their performance improves with all of the extra attention. The girls who are behind benefit from the 1:1 attention and the coaches notice their progress since it’s so obvious.

On an objective basis, my daughter is consistently in the top 1/3rd of her teams skill-wise and athletically at the start of the season, and coaches always compliment her attitude and work ethic. But as the season progresses, she kind of disappears and the coaches forget about her. She loses playing time and eventually loses confidence. This has happened 3-4 times.

I think that because she isn’t a jerk or a superstar, but also isn’t totally struggling, it’s hurting her. Is there something about her attitude or mindset that she can work on to help the coaches “see” her?

What motivates a coach to invest in an athlete?

[Anonymous]

Is she physically aggressive during games? It’s one thing to have an aggressive attitude and another to actually be physically aggressive. Some of the girls that aren’t that serious during practice and have behavior problems are the ones that have no problem bumping someone off the ball and tend to win the 50-50 balls. They take chances and when it works the coaches like it and ignore all the times it doesn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she physically aggressive during games? It’s one thing to have an aggressive attitude and another to actually be physically aggressive. Some of the girls that aren’t that serious during practice and have behavior problems are the ones that have no problem bumping someone off the ball and tend to win the 50-50 balls. They take chances and when it works the coaches like it and ignore all the times it doesn’t

It’s softball and another sport, neither have 1:1 situations. But the thing you said about taking chances and coaches ignoring when it doesn’t work out rings very true. Something about how my DD goes for things doesn’t get noticed during games. Should she be more vocal? More flashy? I’m
at a loss.

[Anonymous]

We are in soccer and my DD is exactly the same. I have noticed that she is unselfish to a fault during games and defers to bigger or older teammates. In sports, you have to be a little arrogant and a little selfish: you deserve the ball/play/catch more than someone else who may be nearby. My DD has that in practice but not in games, so the season goes downhill every time.

[Anonymous]

My kids don’t play softball or baseball but I’ve seen similar and the reverse happen. My observations-

The old idea of hard work and showing up early and to extra practices doesn’t matter like it used to. My husband constantly tells our son this. He starts strong and the season goes downhill because there are others who are simply more naturally athletic. They are faster/bigger/more coordinated or whatever applies to that sport. My son perceives it as the “favorites” and starts to slink back during practices, making it worse.

My daughter is quiet but is on the reverse of this. She starts slow and then can show some major aggression and speed in games. I’ve seen her get more attention.

So with my limited experience of two kids, it seems to be whoever gets the eye of the coach in the games.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t noticed this, no. I have a teen boy who has played all the sports since he was small, now plays baseball and basketball in high school. Our experience has been that coaches really love my son’s teamwork, grit, and unselfishness. He isn’t the superstar on most teams, and he is never the slacker with potential or an attitude. They love him, but that means they want him on the team, not that they’ll give him more attention or play him more. They play whoever will help them win (up to a point). If that means you play the foul mouthed jerk, that’s who you play. And to keep the foul mouthed jerk from getting tossed out of the game takes a lot of coaching - lots of instruction, talks, one on one time. It takes zero time to keep my kid from getting tossed - he’s the first baseman who gives a fist bump to the runner who just got a good hit, and the pitcher who will check on the batter he plunked. He gets a short “nice job” at the end of a game, and that’s it.

For most coaches, your kid will play if they produce. That means your kid has to figure out how to produce more even without the coach’s focused attention often. It does suck, and can feel unfair…but at least your kid isn’t one of the hotheads who yells at umps and throws their bat, right? Being that kid - and coaching that kid - must be awful.

[Anonymous]

Games matter more than practice. Any coach who says otherwise is lying. If the kid who show up late and goofs off scores 20, they’re getting more playing time than than the hard worker

[Anonymous]

PP is 100 percent correct. My only wish is that coaches were honest about this rather than saying they value on time and hard work. On our soccer team, the top player misses so many practices and has been late to so many games, but it doesn’t matter in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she physically aggressive during games? It’s one thing to have an aggressive attitude and another to actually be physically aggressive. Some of the girls that aren’t that serious during practice and have behavior problems are the ones that have no problem bumping someone off the ball and tend to win the 50-50 balls. They take chances and when it works the coaches like it and ignore all the times it doesn’t

It’s softball and another sport, neither have 1:1 situations. But the thing you said about taking chances and coaches ignoring when it doesn’t work out rings very true. Something about how my DD goes for things doesn’t get noticed during games. Should she be more vocal? More flashy? I’m
at a loss.

My DC is in a similar situation but the 1:1 goes to "the clique", which is the relatives of the coaches and their friends.

The only way to improve and get the 1:1 is to get individual position coaching. We pissed and moaned about that but then realized we could do that and nothing would happen. Or do it and DC would improve to the point they couldn't ignore it. That's what has happened. EXCEPT (warning: vent ahead) that DC competes for a spot with one of the family members. So DC will always lose out to that kid no matter what that kid does or does not do (and objectively, when they compete outside the family sphere, with non-related coaches, DC does equal or better than this other kid. The other kid is very good, to be clear, but not in a way that justifies the playing time and attention received). I hate it. I hate it more than I can possibly describe.

[Anonymous]

My DD swims, so it’s a little different because it’s an individual sport, but she got coaches’ attention by being a good meet swimmer. She is the kid that shows up on race day and throws down personal bests consistently. She doesn’t necessarily stand out in practice but the coaches notice that on race day she always produces. At the end of the day in any sport coaches are always going to notice those that thrive in competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD swims, so it’s a little different because it’s an individual sport, but she got coaches’ attention by being a good meet swimmer. She is the kid that shows up on race day and throws down personal bests consistently. She doesn’t necessarily stand out in practice but the coaches notice that on race day she always produces. At the end of the day in any sport coaches are always going to notice those that thrive in competition.

Right, this is what was said above: it’s all about game/meet day performance. Nothing else really matters, even though coaches might say it does. Once my child starts to lose confidence, they play stiff. It shows. It is hard as a parent to watch a child with huge potential be stymied and stuck in a downward spiral. They feel it and there isn’t much I can do once it’s clear that the coaches don’t really care. This is age 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD swims, so it’s a little different because it’s an individual sport, but she got coaches’ attention by being a good meet swimmer. She is the kid that shows up on race day and throws down personal bests consistently. She doesn’t necessarily stand out in practice but the coaches notice that on race day she always produces. At the end of the day in any sport coaches are always going to notice those that thrive in competition.

Right, this is what was said above: it’s all about game/meet day performance. Nothing else really matters, even though coaches might say it does. Once my child starts to lose confidence, they play stiff. It shows. It is hard as a parent to watch a child with huge potential be stymied and stuck in a downward spiral. They feel it and there isn’t much I can do once it’s clear that the coaches don’t really care. This is age 12.

Would outside coaching help? This is what we did with our son. Sure, maybe you shouldn’t have to, but it really helps with confidence to have regular, one on one coaching with someone who is essentially getting paid to pay close attention to your kid and build up their confidence. They go into games feeling like they’ve got a secret weapon.

[Anonymous]

Take her to a high school softball game. Find a girl who is yelling the plays, telling everyone where to be, reminding the outs, talking up the pitcher, being a leader on the field. Help her find her voice to imitate that. She can be the player she is (strong but not flashy) and still stand out to the coach by being vocally in the game.

Also, how old? At 13 and up I would suggest she ask the coach to sit down and discuss her goals for the season or off season. Then check in with coach to see how she’s doing.

[Anonymous]

I had to do the same as PP - to regain confidence we got a trainer once a week for a few months and it changed everything.

Other dads have told me that playing a school sport can help if they are struggling on a club team, but that would wildly depend on the size of school and ability to get on the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to do the same as PP - to regain confidence we got a trainer once a week for a few months and it changed everything.

Other dads have told me that playing a school sport can help if they are struggling on a club team, but that would wildly depend on the size of school and ability to get on the team.

DP. We do this, too, but so does 80% of our kid’s travel team. It’s more like a must-do to keep up than a competitive edge.