Depressed about not having a baby on the right timeline

[Anonymous]

Due to career and financial issues ( making 100k combined) / delayed career progression, we have not had a baby yet. We were married at 29 but were not in a financial position to grow our family. We are 35/36 now and everyone we know and younger has a kid. I am having a very strong reaction watching 29 years olds getting married abs having a baby at 30-31. It is what I had envisioned and wanted for my life and here I am childless and pushing 40.

I go into a spiral every time I hear a pregnancy announcement. We are TTC now and it hasn’t happened yet. I fall into a deep hole of depression and regret and hopelessness.

Can anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

You need to stop looking at other people and comparing yourself to them. They might be making less than six figures combined and just deciding to go for it anyway. You're 35 or36 - that's not pushing 40. Stop being dramatic. It'll be good practice for when you're a parent and need to teach your child not to make a big deal out of things when they don't go the child's way.

[Anonymous]

You need to own your choices. You could have tried for a baby earlier; you decided you needed more money first. Revealed preferences are a thing. And I don't just mean that in a "get over yourself" way: accepting that you made the choices you did for reasons that apparently seemed valid and compelling means you're not a helpless victim. You're a person with agency who made decisions based on what you knew and valued and given your circumstances and constraints.

Also, you don't say how long you've been trying, but many people have first babies at 35/36.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been trying?

I got pregnant in my thirties and my first took 8 months? The others practically jumped into my uterus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been trying?

I got pregnant in my thirties and my first took 8 months? The others practically jumped into my uterus.

4 months

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t have waited so long. This is on you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, TTC is a spiralling disaster of misery at any age but I can imagine the older you get the worse it gets. I haven't had your exact experience but I'm queer and while I was TTC it was so so hard to see pregnancy announcements or talk to other people trying who kept saying things like "it'll happen when you stop paying attention; just when you give up you'll get there" when we were spending upwards of $2000/month for failed IUIs and tons of monitoring appointments because it was literally not biologically possible for it to happen any other way for us. Good luck, OP! I hope things work out for you guys soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to career and financial issues ( making 100k combined) / delayed career progression, we have not had a baby yet. We were married at 29 but were not in a financial position to grow our family. We are 35/36 now and everyone we know and younger has a kid. I am having a very strong reaction watching 29 years olds getting married abs having a baby at 30-31. It is what I had envisioned and wanted for my life and here I am childless and pushing 40.

I go into a spiral every time I hear a pregnancy announcement. We are TTC now and it hasn’t happened yet. I fall into a deep hole of depression and regret and hopelessness.

Can anyone relate?

36 isn’t pushing 40, and it’s about the average age for a first kid around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been trying?

I got pregnant in my thirties and my first took 8 months? The others practically jumped into my uterus.

4 months

That's...not long. Seriously, you need to get your emotions under control. You can't be "spiraling" every time someone you know gets pregnant, or catastrophizing (35 is not "pushing 40").

[Anonymous]

You're the OP that has posted about this before, right?

I can't relate. Your decision seems reasonable, actually. And plenty of folks have their first kids around 35/36. Really. Anyways, comparison is the thief of joy.

TTC sucks -- that part I get (thanks to secondary infertility I didn't have my second until I was 38 after having my first at 33).

But having a baby at your age versus 31 or whatever...really NBD.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. Some of these responses are unkind.

When TTC, each month feels like forever. It will probably happen soon for you.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. As a couple other PPs have acknowledged, TTC is a special kind of hell. And the thing with fertility is it's so personal. Your age alone isn't particularly problematic, and 4 months is truly not long enough a time trying to be very worried yet, but as someone who also started trying around 36 and ultimately had a baby at 44 following years of treatment (for unexplained infertility, so very annoying), I'd suggest you and your spouse do some testing just to see if you find anything affecting either of your fertility. Your insurance may well cover some or all of that testing. For me, being proactive and gaining more concrete knowledge about potential problems and resolutions was very helpful in terms of combatting depression.

Wishing you good luck! At your age there is indeed a great chance that it'll happen for you without any intervention at all, and I hope it does.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't pregnant after 6 months, go see a doctor for help/testing. I think after age 35, that's the standard. There's a lot of steps before full IVF, and doctors always want to help someone at 35 versus 40. Eat well (cut the alcohol and caffeine), exercise, all that good stuff because it'll help your mood now, and if you end up pregnant OR needing help, you will get the same advice.

Lots of people have their first after 35. It's ok, you made valid choices, the same as many other women. And the ones who had kids at 31? Those kids are just a few years younger, you can still have playdates and they'll be in the same elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you aren't pregnant after 6 months, go see a doctor for help/testing. I think after age 35, that's the standard. There's a lot of steps before full IVF, and doctors always want to help someone at 35 versus 40. Eat well (cut the alcohol and caffeine), exercise, all that good stuff because it'll help your mood now, and if you end up pregnant OR needing help, you will get the same advice.

Lots of people have their first after 35. It's ok, you made valid choices, the same as many other women. And the ones who had kids at 31? Those kids are just a few years younger, you can still have playdates and they'll be in the same elementary school.

+1 to all of this. You have A LOT of options for help having a baby, if you need it, in your 30s. Even your late 30s. Try for a few more months, get the ovulation pee sticks, start REALLY tracking your cycles. And if it doesn’t happen by 6 months trying, you can start with your OBGYN and then go from there. You have more time and options than someone who’s already 40+. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, please stop judging yourself and comparing yourself to everyone else. You made the right life decisions for you and now you're ready to have a baby. All good, no fail. You haven't been trying very long and even if you had tried earlier, there's no guarantee it would have happened any faster.

What you're feeling is understandable, but you could try to practice some compassion for yourself. If you feel very unhappy, therapy might be good for you, especially before you have a baby.

Best wishes to you, OP.