Depressed about not having a baby on the right timeline

[Anonymous]

Thinking that there is a "right timeline" for having a baby is a guaranteed way to make yourself, your partner, and any children you might have in the future completely and abysmally miserable. I'm saying that as someone who had my older child at 35 and my younger one at 41. They are now in their 20s, each finding their way in the world, and, as they do so, one shred of wisdom I'm trying very hard to impart to them is that there's no "right timeline" or set of boxes you have to tick to have a happy and meaningful life. Run your own race, baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understood why people wait for some arbitrary number to have kids. We got married at 25, bought our house at 26, had our first kid at 27, and second kid at 29.

When we had our first, our HHI was probably $80k. When we had our second it was $98k. Now we are 32, kids are 4 and 2 and our HHI is $265k. All of my friends had kids around the same time.

I think it's a DC mindset to wait. I agree you have to own your choices and move forward. If it doesn't happen by month 6, I'd make an appt with your OBGYN to discuss. Wishing you luck!

1) Many people do not meet their partners until later in their 20s.

2) Most people, especially those who went to grad school, aren’t financially stable enough to buy a house at 26. I’m guessing you had family help with college tuition or downpayment.

3) Getting so busy with kids that young means you have to step back from your career. Our HHI was double yours at age 30, now quintuple yours at age 35, because we waited until our early-mid 30s to have our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since when is 35/36 "pushing 40"??!?

When you're a lot closer to 40 than 30.

If you’re 35 you’re literally the same distance from 30 and 40, not “a lot closer to 40”

Then why is she having problems if she's still young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been trying?

I got pregnant in my thirties and my first took 8 months? The others practically jumped into my uterus.

4 months

That's...not long. Seriously, you need to get your emotions under control. You can't be "spiraling" every time someone you know gets pregnant, or catastrophizing (35 is not "pushing 40").

+1 try to do 30 mins a day of mindfulness and mild-moderate exercise for the anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are ALWAYS tradeoffs. My family is a bit of a natural scientific experiment on this topic -- DH and I have a 10+ year age gap. He was an "old parent" (near 40) and I was in my 20s. The timing sucked for both of us in different ways -- his parents were getting old and dying and his career was getting intense, and I wanted to be traveling and going out and carefree like all my young peers. It worked out but there are always tradeoffs.

Fwiw, I did find that having a kid young/early in my career has cost me less in terms of career setbacks. It's a contrarian choice but I ended up with a better, higher-paying and less stressful job after having a baby. I don't know that I would have come out quite so unscathed if I'd stepped back during manager, high-intensity years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since when is 35/36 "pushing 40"??!?

When you're a lot closer to 40 than 30.

If you’re 35 you’re literally the same distance from 30 and 40, not “a lot closer to 40”

Then why is she having problems if she's still young?

4 months is not "having problems."

[Anonymous]

Are you aware of the best time of the month to conceive? I think that topic is not discussed often enough.

[Anonymous]

OP--i'll just add, I finally conceived a healthy pregnancy when I forgot about TTC. Just live life, have fun, travel. Seriously. Forget about it and let your body relax.

[Anonymous]

There is no right timeline. I did get married at 29 and had 3 kids from ages 30-38. Those years juggling young kids and a career were tough. I now stay home.

Most people I know had their kids in their 30s. OP is still in her mid thirties. She could have 2-3 kids by 40. I think younger moms can have larger age gaps. Older moms may not have the luxury of time. I also know a lot of twin moms. I don’t ask but I suspect some are from ivf.

OP, I would get some testing done. It can’t hurt. Just think of it like a check up. My friend TTC for 5 years. It ended up being her dh’s sperm. He had low count and mortality. They were an instant success with ivf and now have 2 kids by age 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no right timeline. I did get married at 29 and had 3 kids from ages 30-38. Those years juggling young kids and a career were tough. I now stay home.

Most people I know had their kids in their 30s. OP is still in her mid thirties. She could have 2-3 kids by 40. I think younger moms can have larger age gaps. Older moms may not have the luxury of time. I also know a lot of twin moms. I don’t ask but I suspect some are from ivf.

OP, I would get some testing done. It can’t hurt. Just think of it like a check up. My friend TTC for 5 years. It ended up being her dh’s sperm. He had low count and mortality. They were an instant success with ivf and now have 2 kids by age 40.

A lot of OBs won't test a normal/healthy woman who's been trying for less than a year.

I went in for testing after a few chemical pregnancies and the doctor just tried to reassure me nothing was wrong and it would happen on its own timeline (which everyone loves to hear when they want answers).

I was pregnant during the appointment!

[Anonymous]

We didn’t wait to have enough money because it’s never enough. Had our kids in our 20’s. Everything was fine. Now, trust in your decision.

[Anonymous]

At 35/36, you still have a lot of time. Try to stay positive. You made a decision to be more financially secure and that is a prudent decision that will benefit you and your future kids. Try to not think about others. For those who marry and have kids and do not having enough to cover housing, utilities, food, transportation and childcare, they are inviting stress into their lives unless they have family help. And you don’t need to feel beholden to your in-laws as you are raising your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since when is 35/36 "pushing 40"??!?

When you're a lot closer to 40 than 30.

If you’re 35 you’re literally the same distance from 30 and 40, not “a lot closer to 40”

Then why is she having problems if she's still young?

There's no evidence that she's having problems. Four months isn't that long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood why people wait for some arbitrary number to have kids. We got married at 25, bought our house at 26, had our first kid at 27, and second kid at 29.

When we had our first, our HHI was probably $80k. When we had our second it was $98k. Now we are 32, kids are 4 and 2 and our HHI is $265k. All of my friends had kids around the same time.

I think it's a DC mindset to wait. I agree you have to own your choices and move forward. If it doesn't happen by month 6, I'd make an appt with your OBGYN to discuss. Wishing you luck!

Do you have reading comprehension problems? No one is waiting for an "arbitrary number". They are waiting because they don't feel financially stable, have debt to pay off, or want to buy a house first and cannot. You had kids after buying a home. That's typical. What is not typical is being able to buy a house at 26 after marrying at 25.

My DH and I postponed both buying a home and kids several years because of a job loss followed by a major family crisis. We had our first at 37. I do wish we could have had a child sooner but I also recognize that it was simply not possible for us to have had a kid in the midst of what was going on in our early 30s (we married at 32). We were not just arbitrarily waiting for some magic moment where we would feel ready -- we wanted a home and a child but had to deal with other stuff first. You are fortunate to have not had other stuff to deal with -- congratulations.

+1