IL won’t acknowledge limitations

[Anonymous]

I suppose this is really a problem I have with my spouse, but it involves an aging parent so I’m putting it here.

One of my ILs is in denial about how their limited mobility affects others. They still insist they can participate in every family event, even those that require lots of walking (think graduations, family weekends at college, performances, etc.) Helping IL navigate these events becomes the primary focus of the day and, frankly, I’m getting resentful. This isn’t a just a matter of having to park closer. IL will get stuck in restaurant booths or mid-way down staircases for prolonged periods of time. They say they just need to “rest” for a moment before continuing, but they literally cannot continue without significant physical support. In addition to being very stressful, we’ve also missed portions of events because of these incidents. (Oftentimes these events are live-streamed, but spouse will not present that as an option.) Any advice?

[Anonymous]

My advice as someone who's BTDT is to allow plenty of extra time, use mobility devices as much as possible (start with rollators and/or canes & then progress to lightweight travel wheelchairs), and be gracious. I've traveled abroad with an elderly person who needed support, and it was especially tough with the cobblestone streets, but we made it through with a lot of muscle and patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice as someone who's BTDT is to allow plenty of extra time, use mobility devices as much as possible (start with rollators and/or canes & then progress to lightweight travel wheelchairs), and be gracious. I've traveled abroad with an elderly person who needed support, and it was especially tough with the cobblestone streets, but we made it through with a lot of muscle and patience.

IL refuses canes, walkers, etc.

[Anonymous]

We realized that a lightweight wheelchair helped my frail mother be able to attend graduations, etc. She did not need a wheelchair for regular life but was willing to take a ride when walking distances would be hard. At a certain point we accepted she just could not negotiate stairs any more. I know other elderly people who refuse to ride in a wheelchair for events requiring a lot of walking, and so they miss out in a lot. I think it is time for your spouse to make it clear to the frail parent that the family will no longer put their own health at risk to assist the parent who cannot negotiate stairs on their own, nor to miss portions of events. If the parent wants to attend, they need to accept accommodations or accept that some events must be virtual. If your spouse is not even presenting live-streaming as an option, you have a spouse problem.

If your IL is not aging gracefully and willing to accept limitations when circumstances are too taxing now, it is likely to become a bigger problem as mobility continues to decline.

Some people are too proud to be seen in a wheelchair when it is not ordinarily needed. Okay, whatever. But then don't make it a whole-family problem. Their pride can cost them to miss out, but it is no longer going to cost the whole family.

Tough love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice as someone who's BTDT is to allow plenty of extra time, use mobility devices as much as possible (start with rollators and/or canes & then progress to lightweight travel wheelchairs), and be gracious. I've traveled abroad with an elderly person who needed support, and it was especially tough with the cobblestone streets, but we made it through with a lot of muscle and patience.

You were incredibly lucky and this should not be inspo for others.Terrible accidents happen with elderly on cobblestone streets, but at least this was not your special day. Allow the young people to have their special days and allow parents to enjoy them. I would insist on having an aide for them and they must use what is needed cane/wheelchair or it's a no go. They can take risks on their own time, but on a grandchild's special day it isn't all about them and their denial and stubborness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We realized that a lightweight wheelchair helped my frail mother be able to attend graduations, etc. She did not need a wheelchair for regular life but was willing to take a ride when walking distances would be hard. At a certain point we accepted she just could not negotiate stairs any more. I know other elderly people who refuse to ride in a wheelchair for events requiring a lot of walking, and so they miss out in a lot. I think it is time for your spouse to make it clear to the frail parent that the family will no longer put their own health at risk to assist the parent who cannot negotiate stairs on their own, nor to miss portions of events. If the parent wants to attend, they need to accept accommodations or accept that some events must be virtual. If your spouse is not even presenting live-streaming as an option, you have a spouse problem.

If your IL is not aging gracefully and willing to accept limitations when circumstances are too taxing now, it is likely to become a bigger problem as mobility continues to decline.

Some people are too proud to be seen in a wheelchair when it is not ordinarily needed. Okay, whatever. But then don't make it a whole-family problem. Their pride can cost them to miss out, but it is no longer going to cost the whole family.

Tough love.

This is so key. Being elderly doesn't mean you get to ruin an event with selfishness. You set boundaries politely, but firmly. They can make their own choices on their own time, but if they want to come to your family events, then they need to respect everyone else. Use the wheelchair or don't come. Sure you could ruin your day by accommodating them and letting them lean on you while they walk and being stressed out a fall could happen any second. Understand that would not just be ruining your day, it would create stressful memories for your kids too. They need to see the modeling of boundaries. You can love elders and not let them rain on everyone's parade. Boundaries are healthy. If they refuse the boundaries, there should be no guilt. It's their choice and there are consequences. You protect yourself and your children and don't let them take over. They will take over if let them. At least some will. Some are gracious. My own mother will have you postpone a surgery and she will expect you to cater to her after dealing with a kid in the hospital because in her eyes everything revolved around her needs and wants.

[Anonymous]

I just posted, but one more thing...many times someone will come on here and post to tell you that you are selfish and should see if from their perspective. Yes, it's hard aging and losing independence. It's also hard juggling difficult parents and your own kids and work. Life is hard. You cannot do yourself in accommodating someone who is sad due to aging. We all have our challenges.

[Anonymous]

Just a story. We brought a wheelchair. "One of us is going to be using this. Either get in and I'll push you, or I'm getting in and you're pushing me. Which is it going to be?" It was such a odd comment, it made them laugh (eventually after they thought about it) and it broke down their defenses. They have allowed a portable wheelchair ever since.

It seems like the family has to assume a wheelchair. They go if a wheelchair can navigate the event. And DH care takes his parents - he pushes the wheelchair, manages the day. Your resentment is a warning sign you can not ignore, for the good of going forward in your family relationships.

[Anonymous]

This is a spouse issue. He/she needs to not invite the parent to event they can't handle, realistically tailor the event so it can be handled, or accept that you are going on ahead & will save them a seat when they do make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And DH care takes his parents - he pushes the wheelchair, manages the day. Your resentment is a warning sign you can not ignore, for the good of going forward in your family relationships.

This is key. If your DH is not willing to set/enforce boundaries, he needs to be in charge of his parents, handle all logistics, and stay behind if parents are moving slow and need extra help. He might miss an event. He might be late. This is his choice - and he needs to be responsible for the consequences related to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a story. We brought a wheelchair. "One of us is going to be using this. Either get in and I'll push you, or I'm getting in and you're pushing me. Which is it going to be?" It was such a odd comment, it made them laugh (eventually after they thought about it) and it broke down their defenses. They have allowed a portable wheelchair ever since.

It seems like the family has to assume a wheelchair. They go if a wheelchair can navigate the event. And DH care takes his parents - he pushes the wheelchair, manages the day. Your resentment is a warning sign you can not ignore, for the good of going forward in your family relationships.

LOL! Not OP, but I like that!

I completely agree-DH takes care of and sets boundaries with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Why are all of you stuck? Ask your spouse to help their parens and the rest of you go ahead.

[Anonymous]

This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

[Anonymous]

Plan for additional time. They are aging and want to be part of events while they can. My dad has been living with parkinson's disease for 35 years, so I would say try to get some perspective and have some compassion because one day you will be the burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

True, but making it the kids decision is a recipe for problems. Your kid may not want to admit he doesn't want to deal with the drama of grandma refusing wheel chair, dad not stepping up, etc.You could be setting up the kid for feeling guilt on what should be a special day.

It's an adult decision and the adults need to have boundaries. Their son needs to tell them wheelchairs or no go.

Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It becomes all about them and their needs. They are not going to think about how their stubbornness impacts the family. You will notice on here there will be people who feed the narcissism that comes with age by guilt tripping family members with "have some compassion" as though you don't have compassion for your inlaws and your children and yourself and your husband. You have to protect your family sanity because often it's a marathon not a sprint. If the grandparents had terminal cancer and you hadn't dealt with much elder stuff, I'd say to suck it up for their last memory. Over the years a few of our friends/relatives have passed BEFORE elderly parents and they were the types who would bend over backward for elders. Life did not reward them. You can love and include elders and protect yourself with BOUNDARIES. You don't have to allot more time only to have them fall and ruin the even with a trip to the ER. You give them choices and they choice m"my way or the highway", you say...we'll send you photos and videos! Enjoy your day!