IL won’t acknowledge limitations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

True, but making it the kids decision is a recipe for problems. Your kid may not want to admit he doesn't want to deal with the drama of grandma refusing wheel chair, dad not stepping up, etc.You could be setting up the kid for feeling guilt on what should be a special day.

It's an adult decision and the adults need to have boundaries. Their son needs to tell them wheelchairs or no go.

Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It becomes all about them and their needs. They are not going to think about how their stubbornness impacts the family. You will notice on here there will be people who feed the narcissism that comes with age by guilt tripping family members with "have some compassion" as though you don't have compassion for your inlaws and your children and yourself and your husband. You have to protect your family sanity because often it's a marathon not a sprint. If the grandparents had terminal cancer and you hadn't dealt with much elder stuff, I'd say to suck it up for their last memory. Over the years a few of our friends/relatives have passed BEFORE elderly parents and they were the types who would bend over backward for elders. Life did not reward them. You can love and include elders and protect yourself with BOUNDARIES. You don't have to allot more time only to have them fall and ruin the even with a trip to the ER. You give them choices and they choice m"my way or the highway", you say...we'll send you photos and videos! Enjoy your day!

Yuck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

True, but making it the kids decision is a recipe for problems. Your kid may not want to admit he doesn't want to deal with the drama of grandma refusing wheel chair, dad not stepping up, etc.You could be setting up the kid for feeling guilt on what should be a special day.

It's an adult decision and the adults need to have boundaries. Their son needs to tell them wheelchairs or no go.

Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It becomes all about them and their needs. They are not going to think about how their stubbornness impacts the family. You will notice on here there will be people who feed the narcissism that comes with age by guilt tripping family members with "have some compassion" as though you don't have compassion for your inlaws and your children and yourself and your husband. You have to protect your family sanity because often it's a marathon not a sprint. If the grandparents had terminal cancer and you hadn't dealt with much elder stuff, I'd say to suck it up for their last memory. Over the years a few of our friends/relatives have passed BEFORE elderly parents and they were the types who would bend over backward for elders. Life did not reward them. You can love and include elders and protect yourself with BOUNDARIES. You don't have to allot more time only to have them fall and ruin the even with a trip to the ER. You give them choices and they choice m"my way or the highway", you say...we'll send you photos and videos! Enjoy your day!

This cannot be said enough, Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It is specific to elderly, not the guy with parkinson's for 35 years. The elderly mind becomes like a toddler's - self-centered & selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

True, but making it the kids decision is a recipe for problems. Your kid may not want to admit he doesn't want to deal with the drama of grandma refusing wheel chair, dad not stepping up, etc.You could be setting up the kid for feeling guilt on what should be a special day.

It's an adult decision and the adults need to have boundaries. Their son needs to tell them wheelchairs or no go.

Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It becomes all about them and their needs. They are not going to think about how their stubbornness impacts the family. You will notice on here there will be people who feed the narcissism that comes with age by guilt tripping family members with "have some compassion" as though you don't have compassion for your inlaws and your children and yourself and your husband. You have to protect your family sanity because often it's a marathon not a sprint. If the grandparents had terminal cancer and you hadn't dealt with much elder stuff, I'd say to suck it up for their last memory. Over the years a few of our friends/relatives have passed BEFORE elderly parents and they were the types who would bend over backward for elders. Life did not reward them. You can love and include elders and protect yourself with BOUNDARIES. You don't have to allot more time only to have them fall and ruin the even with a trip to the ER. You give them choices and they choice m"my way or the highway", you say...we'll send you photos and videos! Enjoy your day!

I tend to find that kids are more accepting than adults of things like this. Also this really is an issue where husband and wife disagree and wife doesn’t get to call the shots. Sure it’s fine to make suggestions. But in the end, that’s all you get. The right to make suggestions. Not the right to control your spouse’s interactions with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

True, but making it the kids decision is a recipe for problems. Your kid may not want to admit he doesn't want to deal with the drama of grandma refusing wheel chair, dad not stepping up, etc.You could be setting up the kid for feeling guilt on what should be a special day.

It's an adult decision and the adults need to have boundaries. Their son needs to tell them wheelchairs or no go.

Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It becomes all about them and their needs. They are not going to think about how their stubbornness impacts the family. You will notice on here there will be people who feed the narcissism that comes with age by guilt tripping family members with "have some compassion" as though you don't have compassion for your inlaws and your children and yourself and your husband. You have to protect your family sanity because often it's a marathon not a sprint. If the grandparents had terminal cancer and you hadn't dealt with much elder stuff, I'd say to suck it up for their last memory. Over the years a few of our friends/relatives have passed BEFORE elderly parents and they were the types who would bend over backward for elders. Life did not reward them. You can love and include elders and protect yourself with BOUNDARIES. You don't have to allot more time only to have them fall and ruin the even with a trip to the ER. You give them choices and they choice m"my way or the highway", you say...we'll send you photos and videos! Enjoy your day!

This cannot be said enough, Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It is specific to elderly, not the guy with parkinson's for 35 years. The elderly mind becomes like a toddler's - self-centered & selfish.

This is very accurate. My mom just couldn’t see that she was asking everyone to make her the center of everything. I’m the wife/daughter of the impaired elderly person. It caught up to my mom much younger, so it was spoiling baby/toddler/little kid events, not huge things like graduation. But it still became so disruptive on my mom’s visits that we were literally going to stop hosting her but then the doctor fixed the situation for us by banning her from flying due to a medical condition that has stopped responding to medication.

She was either completely disrupting outings or I would be out with her and needing to attend to her needs in a way that made it impossible to care for my young child’s needs. She would say things like “just go on ahead”…but you can’t do that in the big city where we live, or on a subway to a destination she’s never been, or while she’s blocking the only staircase at a kids’ dance studio. She also would try to asset her physical fitness after these incidents with intentional and risky stunts like pulling in the trash cans unasked up our back steps or walking our 80 lb dog. Inevitably, she got injured and we had to drop everything to take her to urgent care or the ER. This happened many times but she blamed our steps, the dog, the weather- anything but her own limitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really a spouse and kid issue. If your spouse won’t set limits with their parents, then your spouse has to take care of it. If it means missing part of all of an event for one of your kids, the question is whether it is more important to your child that their father be there for the entire event or is it fine with the child that their father does what it takes to get grandparents there. So far we only know how OP feels but her family might really be fine with this.

True, but making it the kids decision is a recipe for problems. Your kid may not want to admit he doesn't want to deal with the drama of grandma refusing wheel chair, dad not stepping up, etc.You could be setting up the kid for feeling guilt on what should be a special day.

It's an adult decision and the adults need to have boundaries. Their son needs to tell them wheelchairs or no go.

Keep in mind with so many elderly the ability to have empathy is the first to slowly fade. It becomes all about them and their needs. They are not going to think about how their stubbornness impacts the family. You will notice on here there will be people who feed the narcissism that comes with age by guilt tripping family members with "have some compassion" as though you don't have compassion for your inlaws and your children and yourself and your husband. You have to protect your family sanity because often it's a marathon not a sprint. If the grandparents had terminal cancer and you hadn't dealt with much elder stuff, I'd say to suck it up for their last memory. Over the years a few of our friends/relatives have passed BEFORE elderly parents and they were the types who would bend over backward for elders. Life did not reward them. You can love and include elders and protect yourself with BOUNDARIES. You don't have to allot more time only to have them fall and ruin the even with a trip to the ER. You give them choices and they choice m"my way or the highway", you say...we'll send you photos and videos! Enjoy your day!

I tend to find that kids are more accepting than adults of things like this. Also this really is an issue where husband and wife disagree and wife doesn’t get to call the shots. Sure it’s fine to make suggestions. But in the end, that’s all you get. The right to make suggestions. Not the right to control your spouse’s interactions with their parents.

A marriage is a team and wife matters too. If he handled it all on his own, she would not be complaining. Kids are more accepting? More likely they are oblivious until their day gets ruined by an emergency that could have been avoided.

[Anonymous]

This year, I had to draw the line with my dad, as we were planning to travel out of state to dc's wedding-I said I AM getting a wheelchair, you CANNOT fall out of state and miss dc's wedding!!!

I found a lightweight (14 lb) transport chair (walmart.com it was maybe $125) and asked him did he want it in red or blue? He huffed and sighed and said 'red' lol.

OP, maybe a conversation like this might work-really dh should be in on this too, doing the talking. I just had to draw the line because I was so stressed worrying that he'd fall on the trip. It's not fair to expect you/dh to miss things because you're stuck with mil. Now that dad is used to the chair, he is happy enough with it. It's a matter of mental acceptance for them.

[Anonymous]

I've dealt with this by asking our nanny to come along (paid of course). That way we have an extra pair of hands at least.