What sort of boundary should I set with my adult daughter?
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Anonymous
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Her anxiety is out of control. She's 30, and she can't hang out with the family without exploding. She has what looks like rage issues, but it's really extreme anxiety, which she's worked to treat in the past. She is no longer in treatment, having not considered it particularly helpful, and she doesn't take any meds. Her husband tries to keep her calm, to no avail.
My DD said she doesn't want us walking on eggshells, but then if I call her on her behavior (which she's asked me to do when she's calm), she blows up more. It's come to a head recently when she started yelling and cursing at a restaurant because of some small perceived slight. I'm sick and sad at the thought of avoiding her, but I also know this isn't tenable. I'm empathetic to the reality that she suffers from mental illness, as I struggle myself with depression and OCD. I just don't know where to go from here. Help. |
Anonymous
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Ask if she’s willing to do DBT.
And maybe meds too. Sounds like she may have a mood disorder. |
Anonymous
| Any chance thyroid issues? This happened to me—hyperthyroid. Calmed right down once treated. I felt irrational rage and could tell it was out of proportion. Also shaky hands and extreme anxiety. |
Anonymous
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She should get a medical workup. As above poster mentioned rule out things like thyroid issues.
It's good she agrees there is a problem. I would let her know how much you love her, and how the rage impacts you. Request that she keep trying to find a therapist who is the right fit. Don't make calls for her. She needs to do this herself. Let her know you want her to get better, but the rage is not OK and cannot continue. Agree that if she starts to feel rage she can let you know and if changing subject doesn't help she can leave or you can leave. You cannot be a verbal punching bag. That said, I would open the door to communication if she has a lot of anger toward you. See if she wants to discuss it calmly and be willing to listen quietly. |
Anonymous
| Your boundaries need to be that she resume treatment and medication. Her behavior is unacceptable. |
Anonymous
| Until she gets help and is back on track, meet her only at her place or somewhere similar where you can leave if she explodes and there is no public spectacle. |
Anonymous
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I gently suggest there is something more than anxiety going on. My DH has anxiety. Two of my three kid have anxiety - one was diagnosed prior to starting kindergarten (he's now in college). What you are describing is not anxiety. It is severe emotional dysregulation. It may, initially, be triggered/reinforced by anxiety but the rage you are describing is likely a different disorder.
I agree with the PPs that, until she resumes treatment, you only meet her in places you can leave when her behavior is unacceptable. I hope you can express your support to her DH. Her marriage is likely to end if she doesn't get treatment and they get relationship counseling. I hope they don't have kids. |
Anonymous
I disagree with the “don’t make calls for her” advice. I have had mentally ill family members and it is often overwhelming for the person to make the dozens of phone calls necessary to find an in network provider who has openings. Recently, for my adult DD, I did a search of all the psychiatrists in network and had to make more than a dozen calls to find even 2-3 with openings within a reasonable distance with the relevant background. Then I gave her the names and encouraged her to make the appointment herself. I had to do something similar with another bipolar family member. Each situation required a different approach and a light, understanding touch. Me tal illness is a disease. I would help a family member with cancer or diabetes make an appointment if necessary. OP, you don’t mention what “treatment” was when she did it and felt it was ineffective. If it was just talk therapy, IME, for such severe anxiety it is not reasonable to expect therapy alone to work. Encourage her to try again, starting with a visit to her regular physician for a full workup of possible medical causes of her anxiety (thyroid levels, vitamin D, etc.) and prep for being prescribed psychiatric meds (usually liver panel). Then ask her to see a psychiatrist and try some medications. Remind her that medication is a process and it often requires trying several over a period of weeks or months but if she can find the right medication, it can be a huge help. Finally, getting back into therapy is a must. Therapy is like dating, she might have to try a few different people before she finds one that clicks. Again, it can be helpful to offer a few names of in network people who have openings. OP, for you and her husband, please consider taking the NAMI Family to Family course so you can get educated about mental illness and be an understanding support for her. |
Anonymous
| If you have OCD, she may have it too. As you likely know it is anxiety based and typically sufferers have intrusive thoughts. OCD is not (usually) about keeping things clean and organized. There is a lot more to it. My dd was treated for anxiety for years and nothing helped until she admitted something to a new therapist and the therapist said, she has OCD and needs a specialist. My dd definitely had OCD rage when she was triggered. It has been a long road but she can manage her triggers now and we enjoy being around her. Maybe your dd would try another evaluation or as pp’s said try seeing a psychiatrist for meds. |
Anonymous
If she is not willing to do DBT, she can benefit if other adults in her family, like her husband and you do it. This can teach you how to not walk on eggshells but also how to deal with her effectively when she has a meltdown. |
Anonymous
| Wow. Yeah. She really sounds nuts. This is a tough one, OP. I feel for you. |
Anonymous
Can you be more specific about the behavior she engages in that you are calling her out on? It's not clear to me if the rage behavior is happening to begin with, or if there is some other problematic behavior occurring, you are pointing it out (as she has requested) and then she is responding with rage. My answer is different depending on the situation. |
Anonymous
Boundaries have to be focused on what OP will or won't do; she can't force an adult into treatment. |
Anonymous
+1, boundaries are never about forcing someone else to do something. It's just about yourself. It's telling that OP says she doesn't want to "avoid" her daughter. This indicates that what OP would like to do is reduce contact. I think this is probably exactly what she should do. I would either reduce contact or change the nature of their interactions (shorter gatherings with fewer people in places less likely to trigger issues). One problem extended families often run into is that they almost always interact at large family gatherings, often around holidays or other special occasions. If someone has personality issues, anxiety, etc., these are really not ideal times to get together. Everything is amped up. The more people involved, the less control any one individual has over the situation. It's very stressful. I found that my interactions with my family improved 1000% when we stopped visiting them during holidays and started making an effort to see parts of the family separately. A weekend with my brother and his wife. A week to visit my parents, and only my parents, with lots of grandkid time. We never stay with family and we make a point of doing our own thing at least some of the time because it gives everyone a break (including us). Everything is better now. Everyone has the same issues they always had, but they don't get triggered as often and we enjoy the time we have together more often. That is what I would recommend to OP. Change the nature of interactions to dial down the stress. Do fewer large family gatherings and more smaller groups, some incorporating your DD, some not. |
Anonymous
| detach with love unless she is in treatment and on meds. hold firm and don't enable. |