Hate My Mom Living With Us

[Anonymous]

There. I said it. I feel mean, but it’s the truth. I hate my existence now.

I am a taxi service, CNA, her entire social support system, her cook, maid, laundress, personal shopper, tech expert, dog walker, scheduler.

I want my life back but I feel in too deep. I’m so depressed. I honestly hate my life so much right now.

[Anonymous]

Is there money to outsource anything?

[Anonymous]

That’s a lot. How old is she?

[Anonymous]

How long has she lived with you? My mom moved in with us after my dad died in 2020, and I’ve found things sort of fluctuate. Sometimes I feel aggravated, sometimes it is smoother sailing. I agree with above, look to outsource. Also try to get away on your own (or send her to visit other family) if possible. That has helped me tremendously when my sanity is in danger.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a doormat. This is more about you and less about your mother. I doubt your mother is the only person in your life who lets you be a doormat.
Make some notes about what you feel she can do for herself, and have a conversation about it. Are you single or do you have a spouse and children at home?

[Anonymous]

Move her out.

I would never life with my parents after becoming an adult.

I’m cool if an adult needs a few months between situations but no way are they living with me long term.

You aren’t awful you were just naive

[Anonymous]

She is 88 but in relatively good physical health for her age and quite mobile. We have to save money for when she needs comprehensive care which I suspect will happen at some point. The only outsourcing I have done regularly is dog walks. and once month cleaning. She bulks at having strangers doing things for her or even being in her space
because she is extremely anxiety ridden and is worried they are going to hurt her, steal from her, etc. She is not diagnosed being paranoid or anything like that. She is very lucid for her age, just really wary of strangers and it makes her shake sometimes she gets so nervous. She refuses medication for this and the dr said leave her be, can’t force her and she is in charge of her mental facilities and that it’s not unusual for elderly people to have heightened stranger danger. But it leaves me in a place where it’s near impossible to have people help much. She has always been the nervous type but as she aged she is gotten so much worse.

I am married but my kids are in college. My husband helps but he has to travel a lot for work. I have a sibling on the other side of the continent.

She is not mean at all. She is just clingy, anxious, incredibly needy, and I feel sorry for her. But it also means I really have nothing left for myself. I feel like I am just living my life to keep her alive and safe right now and it’s not a good feeling.

[Anonymous]

PS she has been with us for three months now

[Anonymous]

For your own sanity, it’s time to move her into a continuing care facility. It’s not all about the elder person. Everyone in the boat gets a day in what they need. You need more support in the care of your mother.

[Anonymous]

With my mother I had to decide it's her well being or mine and I finally chose mine. Sure the Dr. said "leave her be" because he figures you will suck it up and take anything she dishes. I would hire an expert and find a residential situation she can afford, there are nice ones that adjust based on income level. Let her hit rock bottom with anxiety so she is willing to take the meds. It may sound cruel, but again it's her or you. Do you want to sink into serious depression or have a nervous breakdown?

My mother keeps taking herself off meds. Then friends distance themselves, doctors refuse to work with her (she can be nasty off meds unlike your mom) and she dissolves into a ball of rage and anxiety. Then she decides to go back on meds and she can function in society again and people are willing to be around her.

I know that feeling of complaining to the experts and it falls on deaf ears because they just assume you will put up with anything and it's easiest to just let things be. You have to make it so that if mom refuses to treat her mental health issues she will have to deal with natural consequences.

[Anonymous]

First, be sure you have POA general durable, including medical.
Find an adult day program. Some of the AL places have these that are just from 8A-5P, she can go 1-5 days/week. It is like having a giant toddler, OP. You are mommy now and need a break. Talk with her about how you need a break. If she loves you, and really is lucid and can understand, she will grant you this., willingly, but do not back down. You will age faster than she is, if you continue as is. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Could be early stages of dementia, but whatever it is, you need help, OP. What the doctor says is all very well, it's not HIS life that's gone down the drain! Get her into care as early as you can. If she runs out of money, Medicare facilities.

[Anonymous]

BTW, if you pose an ultimatum that it's either meds or nursing home, she might be more amenable to meds...

[Anonymous]

Before moving her, I would sit down and assess what it is you want/need, and then start doing it. Take a class if you want. Set up a weekly book club or outing with friends. Get involved volunteering with something you love. You need to create a life for yourself outside of her and then just insist on it.
Tell your sibling “I am gone Tuesday afternoons for my volunteer docent job. Please FaceTime with mom on your lunch break on Tuesdays.” Figure out what your mom can do for herself. My grandmother lived with us when I grew up, and she did the dusting, cooked, and did her own laundry well into her 90s. My mom loves on her own now, in her 90s, and does all this stuff too. You need to tell your mom she needs to do more for herself — she can but may feel she doesn’t want to overstep as it’s your house. And get your mom set up with stuff she can do — letter writing to friends? (Elderly people love to get mail, and she probably has friends in assisted living now who would love a letter.). Baking for donation to the church food pantry? Reading books? Watching reality TV or game shows? Knitting? Baking cookies to send to the college kids every week? She has just moved and needs to find her new routine of stuff to do. She’s probably anxious because she just uprooted her whole life and doesn’t know where she fits in this new one. Help her find a new routine of stuff she can do.

[Anonymous]

op do you work?