Hate My Mom Living With Us

[Anonymous]

OP, have 1/2 day to yourself. Leave. Leave the house. Get a sitter for her, or leave her alone. Whatever has to work. Make it consistent - every single day consistent. She will have to schedule appointments, anything she needs around it.

You don't need explain, justify anything. Less or no comments about it are best. Just do.

[Anonymous]

Whe really needs a low dose daily anxiety med (not a benzo) to help her out OP.

I would beg the doctor to give her one or tell the Dr she will have to go to assisted living because you can't take it anymore and then she will have real problems with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

If she is mobile, why can’t she do her laundry and make her own breakfast and lunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There. I said it. I feel mean, but it’s the truth. I hate my existence now.

I am a taxi service, CNA, her entire social support system, her cook, maid, laundress, personal shopper, tech expert, dog walker, scheduler.

I want my life back but I feel in too deep. I’m so depressed. I honestly hate my life so much right now.

If she is mobile she should be able to fix a breakfast and microwave a lunch.

Schedule a weekend away for you and your husband.

I recommend the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge.

A more budget experience that I like better is Hampton Inn in Fruitland Maryland. They have a pool. Go out to eat at the beach.

Get her started on doing her own laundry.
Get her on a routine of doing her own breakfast and lunch.

Do you have a gym membership? Get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others - you are a good daughter, but need time for yourself. Create a schedule that gets you out of the house on a regular basis (shopping, gym, work, volunteering etc) and also build in some independent activities of some sort for your mom (even if it is matching and folding socks) . See if there are any adult services in your community that will come and visit with her while you are there - she may enjoy meeting new people. My dad had hospice visitors that he really enjoyed and gave my mom a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whe really needs a low dose daily anxiety med (not a benzo) to help her out OP.

I would beg the doctor to give her one or tell the Dr she will have to go to assisted living because you can't take it anymore and then she will have real problems with anxiety.

Have to agree with this. It made a world of difference for my mother.

[Anonymous]

Does she pay for her expenses? When my mom lived with us, she paid me most of her social security. It allowed me to hire a housekeeper and went towards food and utilities. Ultimately, it was not enough to compensate me for all the work—as you say, I was Uber, scheduler, cook, maid, social support, tech support, plus landlord. She did not make enough money to compensate me for all that and I felt resentment and taken advantage of. Ultimately, she fell and cracked her skull. I refused to take her back in and worked with the hospital social worker to get her into a Medicaid accepting nursing home. She spent down her assets and applied for Medicaid and was accepted. I live nearby and still function as scheduler and driver and social support, but it’s on my own terms. I would have sacrificed my own mental health if she had continued to stay with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be early stages of dementia, but whatever it is, you need help, OP. What the doctor says is all very well, it's not HIS life that's gone down the drain! Get her into care as early as you can. If she runs out of money, Medicare facilities.

Medicaid (not Medicare).

[Anonymous]

It is good to get it off your chest. You have to do what is best for everyone and sometimes that isn't want everyone wants. I moved my dad into an assisted living facility and even that was hard. I still had to manage his doctors appointments, oh so many. Pick up prescriptions and pay all of his bills. It was overwhelming. I struggled with doing it all while working and taking care of my family.

I also will say that your mom may be experiencing signs of early dementia. My dad started off with a lot of anxiety, which turned into delusions. He seemed pretty lucid, but it was like he was going through the motions. He was covering a lot of his confusion and delusions up. It took awhile to find the right combination of medications.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. My parents aren’t there yet, but it’s one of the options we’re considering. Your post gives me pause. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

This is OP - yes, I work, but it’s virtual and I can complete my hours whenever it works best for me. This means I have been dealing with my mom during the day and early evening and doing my work at night mainly. It’s entirely doable but exhausting.

The reason she can’t be in charge of her own meals is that she has gastrointestinal issues and doesn’t eat properly unless supervised and meals are prepared. She is perfectly happy to open up a bag of Cheetos and a bottle of Coke and just eat that. You might say at her age let her eat what she wants, except she will end up in the hospital. So could she microwave a prepared meal? Yes. Will she? No. We definitely tried but she will just eat whatever snacks are there. We don’t want to deprive her of those and the doctor said it’s fine as long as she eats balanced meals most of the time. I really wish I could just get her some anti anxiety meds and crush them up and roll around her Cheetos in them! It would make life so much easier probably. This morning she thanked me for bringing her a nice breakfast but said she wasn’t hungry. I left it in her kitchen area and she did end up eating it so if given to her she will do better at a reasonable diet. She loves her little dog and it gives her companionship but although she is mobile she is too unsteady to walk her on our uneven sidewalks. She doesn’t mind a dog walker but of course that person is not in her space when they are there so it doesn’t make her nervous. I just feel so bad for her but I can tell I am building up resentment and now understand I cannot ever do this to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There. I said it. I feel mean, but it’s the truth. I hate my existence now.

I am a taxi service, CNA, her entire social support system, her cook, maid, laundress, personal shopper, tech expert, dog walker, scheduler.

I want my life back but I feel in too deep. I’m so depressed. I honestly hate my life so much right now.

Don’t feel mean. I was figuratively slapped by two wonderful paramedics into reality when they told me under NO uncertain terms that I was not capable of being the sole caretaker of a family member in hospice, that it would destroy me. It nearly did. It’s been about a year and I am just now at a point where I can begin to heal. I felt guilt when she went into a hospice center due to a medical emergency as I immediately went back home. Cue the hospice center calling me and harassing me (and I mean HARASSING) to come back to take her home. The woman could not physically walk, lift her hands to feed herself, and was in constant pain, needing 24/7 medication every hour, 24/7. I received one such call while I was picking up my dog’s ashes, after not being home for her when she had to be put to sleep. I lost it on the social worker and she never called again.

No one can do all you are doing without depression, resentment, and anger. It’s too much work.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Yes I feel terrible but I definitely feel resentment and anger. And so much sadness. It’s awful to feel that way about a living parent you are supposed to love and want to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - yes, I work, but it’s virtual and I can complete my hours whenever it works best for me. This means I have been dealing with my mom during the day and early evening and doing my work at night mainly. It’s entirely doable but exhausting.

The reason she can’t be in charge of her own meals is that she has gastrointestinal issues and doesn’t eat properly unless supervised and meals are prepared. She is perfectly happy to open up a bag of Cheetos and a bottle of Coke and just eat that. You might say at her age let her eat what she wants, except she will end up in the hospital. So could she microwave a prepared meal? Yes. Will she? No. We definitely tried but she will just eat whatever snacks are there. We don’t want to deprive her of those and the doctor said it’s fine as long as she eats balanced meals most of the time. I really wish I could just get her some anti anxiety meds and crush them up and roll around her Cheetos in them! It would make life so much easier probably. This morning she thanked me for bringing her a nice breakfast but said she wasn’t hungry. I left it in her kitchen area and she did end up eating it so if given to her she will do better at a reasonable diet. She loves her little dog and it gives her companionship but although she is mobile she is too unsteady to walk her on our uneven sidewalks. She doesn’t mind a dog walker but of course that person is not in her space when they are there so it doesn’t make her nervous. I just feel so bad for her but I can tell I am building up resentment and now understand I cannot ever do this to my kids.

Does she even know how to cook? Did she have a good diet in her youth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - yes, I work, but it’s virtual and I can complete my hours whenever it works best for me. This means I have been dealing with my mom during the day and early evening and doing my work at night mainly. It’s entirely doable but exhausting.

The reason she can’t be in charge of her own meals is that she has gastrointestinal issues and doesn’t eat properly unless supervised and meals are prepared. She is perfectly happy to open up a bag of Cheetos and a bottle of Coke and just eat that. You might say at her age let her eat what she wants, except she will end up in the hospital. So could she microwave a prepared meal? Yes. Will she? No. We definitely tried but she will just eat whatever snacks are there. We don’t want to deprive her of those and the doctor said it’s fine as long as she eats balanced meals most of the time. I really wish I could just get her some anti anxiety meds and crush them up and roll around her Cheetos in them! It would make life so much easier probably. This morning she thanked me for bringing her a nice breakfast but said she wasn’t hungry. I left it in her kitchen area and she did end up eating it so if given to her she will do better at a reasonable diet. She loves her little dog and it gives her companionship but although she is mobile she is too unsteady to walk her on our uneven sidewalks. She doesn’t mind a dog walker but of course that person is not in her space when they are there so it doesn’t make her nervous. I just feel so bad for her but I can tell I am building up resentment and now understand I cannot ever do this to my kids.

Does she even know how to cook? Did she have a good diet in her youth?

She has always had a pretty bad diet and it caught up with her and landed her in the hospital. When my dad was alive it was better because he wanted real meals each day which they would typically get going out to eat together. He would sometimes cook easy things at home himself but she was never interested enough.