How do we NOT become like our parents?
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Anonymous
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Or are we destined to become them one day?
Someone in the thread about the MIL visiting the grandkids posted about the “Respect Your Elders” treatment. It got me thinking about OUR parents, this generation of grandparents. They want SO. MUCH. And they want you to fascinate it all! I was very close with my grandparents, who were of a different generation and born in the 30s. They enjoyed having family over, but more to sit and kibitz with THEIR adult children than to monopolize US kids. They wouldn’t have dreamed of going trick or treating with us, wouldn’t have even thought of attending a random sports game or generic school performance, and didn’t really take us anywhere. But I have FOND memories of just being around them at their home. It was simple. It was perfect. Now my parents and ILs want to DO everything and be included in all the things to the point of suffocation. And feel slighted if left out of the most insignificant event. Are we destined to follow in their footprints, or will we be different because we know the example of BOTH types of grandparents? Will we be more chill and relaxed? My DH thinks so. I think so. So how do we not fall into the trap of becoming our parents? |
Anonymous
| A lot of you would likely benefit tremendously if you acted more like your parents. |
Anonymous
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But it seems like plenty of people are on here complaining that the grandparents don't want to do every soccer game, etc. Clearly there are differences across families, not just across generations.
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Anonymous
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The biggest thing I will keep in mind in order not to become like my parents is to respect boundaries.
A lot of familial issues arise from lack of boundaries or stepping all over them. That was my biggest problem with my own parents, and it's something that I work on so I don't turn into them. |
Anonymous
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Our adult children adore us, and we them. Were it not for us, they couldn’t have the lives and careers they have (we have always been full-time) child care providers for their kids, and without them and their kids our lives would be far less fulfilling and incomplete.
So sad that so many of you are so bitter when it comes to your families and your parents. |
Anonymous
| THERAPY |
Anonymous
You will become like them if you are lucky. Based on this thread my bet is you will be far worse than them. Parents bashing says a lot about you ungrateful baster. |
Anonymous
| I could have written this. My mother is very entitled snd seems to think she deserves some kind of customized grandparent experience that I’m supposed to facilitate. Her parents were easy going. My mother thinks she’s some kind of third parent, always expecting a full report on how the kids are doing at school. Snd if I don’t answer her she gets pissy. I think she needs to accept the kids aren’t here for her. |
Anonymous
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I will not be like my mother in the following ways:
1. I will not cheat on my husband 2. I will not have multiple husbands 3. I will not slap my children across the face 4. I will spend time with them even when it's not public-facing 5 When I come home from being away from the children, I will spend concentrated time and attention with them |
Anonymous
My grandparents wouldn’t have know if I was a Rhodes Scholar or the dumbest kid in school. And I loved them. |
Anonymous
x1000 Pay attention, OP! |
Anonymous
Pay attention to what? Being suffocated by entitlement? It’s never enough for parents like this. Never! And they are so grieved. Why would anyone ever aspire to emulate that sort of behavior? What am I missing? |
Anonymous
Well, if you don't see it, then you don't see it. They are part of your community. Why are you threatened by that? I don't think most of us feel that the participation by our parents or elders in our kids' events is suffocating. We welcome all of them in our household because we realize that our kids can never have too many people love them. Our parents and extended family attend pretty much every recital, game, activity that our kids are in. They are at our house 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes planned and sometimes just popping in because they "were in the neighborhood." And what I'm describing is pretty much the norm for our social group. Practically everyone we know has parents or elder relatives in the general area, and we all have the same family dynamics. I think nothing about arriving at a kid's game, scanning the bleachers, see some kid's grandpa or grandma and going over to sit by them. The same with arriving at our club and scanning the family room or the dining room, and seeing someone's aunt or uncle or whomever. Frankly, your resistance and umbrage say more negative about you than what you're trying to say about your parents. You may want to think about why you feel being part of a tribe is stifling to you. Why do you feel you have to operate in a silo instead of as part of a community? Why is your ego so sensitive that you can't allow your parents to see your kids? |
Anonymous
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I think social media plays a large role.
In the before-times, grandparents and some family and friends might see pictures of vacations, trick or treating, school plays, and important events. Now, everyone sees them, and Linda from down the street might see little Larlo in his Black Panther suit before Grandma logs on to see it and HOO BOY that doesn't go over well. So grandma needs to get MORE access to feel like grandma. It's not a criticism, it's natural cascading of boundaries and connection. And it sucks, really. |
Anonymous
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Wow, my kids have LIKED having their visiting grandmothers attend their T-Ball games, swim meets, plays and so forth, and so did I. The grandparents like being part of our lives. Nothing felt like a photo op or anything like that.
My own memories with my (favorite) grandmother were more along the lines of spending time with her at her house, gardening, baking, and seeing her friends. I don't remember her visiting us to see sports events or such, but when she and my grandfather came it was super pleasant. Different times, different generations and expectations, but none of it triggering or tragic. |