How do we NOT become like our parents?

[Anonymous]

Ways I am not like my mother

I don't pin my kids against each other and take about them like there crap and worthless.
I don't play favorites and not invite everyone to meals and events.
I'm not bitter about my life.
I play an active role in my grandsons lives instead of going months without seeing them.
I see my daughter's daily and care about there well being.

[Anonymous]

I aim to be like my parents, who are a perfect blend of involved and allowing independence/separation. They are warn and loving and supportive. Same with my grandparents, both sets I have lost and miss tremendously. The best example they all set: loving and respectful marriages.

This is about individual families not generations.

[Anonymous]

Caring enough to be this introspective and thoughtful is an amazing first step - really!

I’m certain that neither my MIL (who never had a MIL) nor my
mother have ever given one thought to boundaries, relationships, expectations. For these grandmothers, it’s almost always as a PP brilliantly wrote, “a grandparent experience.”

Here’s what I won’t do:

-make becoming a grandma be my identity and focus of my life because…

-I plan to continue working p/t and/or volunteering and develop and deepen my interests outside of DH and grown children

-I am independent and crave solitude:
I don’t “need” to be constantly entertained and invited along to every possible vacation, trip, sporting event, etc. like my own mom

- I won’t scorekeep with my children and grandchildren and the other grandparents. I’m not competitive and won’t make being a grandparent a blood sport as far as time and money spent.

- I love babies and toddlers, but I will not be providing daycare. Babysitting and helping when asked and if I can -
yes. See above: I want to cultivate a life separate from my
adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or are we destined to become them one day?

Someone in the thread about the MIL visiting the grandkids posted about the “Respect Your Elders” treatment. It got me thinking about OUR parents, this generation of grandparents.

They want SO. MUCH. And they want you to fascinate it all!

I was very close with my grandparents, who were of a different generation and born in the 30s. They enjoyed having family over, but more to sit and kibitz with THEIR adult children than to monopolize US kids. They wouldn’t have dreamed of going trick or treating with us, wouldn’t have even thought of attending a random sports game or generic school performance, and didn’t really take us anywhere. But I have FOND memories of just being around them at their home. It was simple. It was perfect.

Now my parents and ILs want to DO everything and be included in all the things to the point of suffocation. And feel slighted if left out of the most insignificant event.

Are we destined to follow in their footprints, or will we be different because we know the example of BOTH types of grandparents? Will we be more chill and relaxed? My DH thinks so. I think so. So how do we not fall into the trap of becoming our parents?

The hilarious thing about your post is that so many on DCUM complain about grandparents that don’t interact with the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

My parents and in law have no relationship with their grandchildren. None. I thought it would improve as our kids got older but it hasn’t. So that is one major way I plan to avoid being like my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you would likely benefit tremendously if you acted more like your parents.

Ok, MOM, thanks.