How many times before something is a tradition?

[Anonymous]

DH is from a big family. Traditionally the family hasn’t been together on Thanksgiving, everyone has gone to their in-laws, but the last two years due to covid we have hosted his sister and her family.

This year, I am taking my kids to my mom’s for actual Thanksgiving.

His sister is pissed. Apparently it is “tradition” that I host for them and her kids are devastated that I am not.

Two years is not a tradition right?

[Anonymous]

How much ya wanna bet she's saying her kids are "devastated" but they actually don't care?

[Anonymous]

Things done during COVID are not a tradition! That’s ridiculous. We all did the best we could with holidays. Sounds like she just may want you to do all of the work.

[Anonymous]

It’s not tradition and she’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

Tradition is invented so it's whenever people decide to call it one. That said, a "tradition" that involves you doing all the work is OK to change!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tradition is invented so it's whenever people decide to call it one. That said, a "tradition" that involves you doing all the work is OK to change!

But wouldn’t I have to be one of the people declaring it tradition? — OP

[Anonymous]

This warrants an eyeroll and a sigh, OP.

[Anonymous]

Even if it was a tradition (and it’s not), you would still have the right to make other plans.

[Anonymous]

Stop focusing on the word. The semantics don’t matter.

She and her family enjoyed coming to Thanksgiving at your house. It’s a COMPLIMENT. You are apparently an excellent host and good company, and they’d love to do it again.

You certainly are not required to. You should feel free to do what’s best for your family, and if that’s going elsewhere, great. But don’t respond with an argument about language! Try:

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed Thanksgiving here! We loved having you! However, we are heading to my side if the family this year. So sorry to disappoint! We look forward to seeing you at <insert next event here>.”

[Anonymous]

It's not ok if your SIL is having a tantrum about not having Thanksgiving with you. That said, can you try to be understanding of her perspective? She clearly enjoyed celebrating this holiday with you and your family and is understandably disappointed that this will not happen this year. From your wording that you are going to have "actual Thanksgiving" this year, clearly the last two years of get-togethers were not meaningful to you but perphaps be charitable to someone for whom it was.

[Anonymous]

“Well, I guess it will be tradition for you to be outraged that we occasionally spend time with my family for Thanksgiving and I don’t have to host. Enjoy your tradition!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not ok if your SIL is having a tantrum about not having Thanksgiving with you. That said, can you try to be understanding of her perspective? She clearly enjoyed celebrating this holiday with you and your family and is understandably disappointed that this will not happen this year. From your wording that you are going to have "actual Thanksgiving" this year, clearly the last two years of get-togethers were not meaningful to you but perphaps be charitable to someone for whom it was.

No, sweetie. SIL clearly enjoyed:

1) Not having to clean and decorate
2) Not having to buy tons of groceries
3) Not having to cook
4) Not having to bake
5) Sitting around and being a guest, not a host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not ok if your SIL is having a tantrum about not having Thanksgiving with you. That said, can you try to be understanding of her perspective? She clearly enjoyed celebrating this holiday with you and your family and is understandably disappointed that this will not happen this year. From your wording that you are going to have "actual Thanksgiving" this year, clearly the last two years of get-togethers were not meaningful to you but perphaps be charitable to someone for whom it was.

I wrote actual Thanksgiving, because I offered to cook a Thanksgiving meal and have them over later in the weekend, since she was so upset about her kids not getting Thanksgiving, and she told me that it's not "actually Thanksgiving" if it doesn't happen on Thursday.

So, comparing Thursday, which is apparently "actual Thanksgiving" to other days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not ok if your SIL is having a tantrum about not having Thanksgiving with you. That said, can you try to be understanding of her perspective? She clearly enjoyed celebrating this holiday with you and your family and is understandably disappointed that this will not happen this year. From your wording that you are going to have "actual Thanksgiving" this year, clearly the last two years of get-togethers were not meaningful to you but perphaps be charitable to someone for whom it was.

No, sweetie. SIL clearly enjoyed:

1) Not having to clean and decorate
2) Not having to buy tons of groceries
3) Not having to cook
4) Not having to bake
5) Sitting around and being a guest, not a host

NP. This is pretty cynical. I love hosting Thanksgiving. All things being equal, I'd rather cook than drive, but if I get the chance to have a big family dinner I jump at that, even if it means giving up hosting.

For OP's question, you're free to change traditions if they don't suit you, but for my kids and the holidays something is a tradition after we do it once. It's always expected that next year unless we specifically pointn out that it won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not ok if your SIL is having a tantrum about not having Thanksgiving with you. That said, can you try to be understanding of her perspective? She clearly enjoyed celebrating this holiday with you and your family and is understandably disappointed that this will not happen this year. From your wording that you are going to have "actual Thanksgiving" this year, clearly the last two years of get-togethers were not meaningful to you but perphaps be charitable to someone for whom it was.

I wrote actual Thanksgiving, because I offered to cook a Thanksgiving meal and have them over later in the weekend, since she was so upset about her kids not getting Thanksgiving, and she told me that it's not "actually Thanksgiving" if it doesn't happen on Thursday.

So, comparing Thursday, which is apparently "actual Thanksgiving" to other days.

That was nice of you. We do holidays on different days all the time in our family. Who cares if it's on that exact day? Kids certainly don't.