Alzheimer mom abroad

[Anonymous]

I have had conversations with a social worker, spouse who was in this situation, etc. I don’t know what to do. When I visit my mom, she seems almost normal. The longer I am gone, the worse she gets. MMSE test didn’t show clinical dementia yet, but I am seeing all the symptoms of confusion, etc. What do I do? How do I handle this? I don’t have a sibling who can help with my mom. I live here in the US, mom in Europe. I have teenage kids, I can’t just pack up everything and move back. Likewise, if she came here, I would have to pay everything out of pocket (I am not rich). I don’t know what I should do and how I can organize care (mental and physical). Please share your experiences, what you would do, and what you think I should do. Fwiw: I am the main breadwinner, have a mortgage and have only 2 choices: 1. A job I like, that pays me more but that’s hybrid. 2. A job that’s fully remote, less money, insane work standards and an awful, awful boss - but I could spend as much time as I want in Europe. I am torn and desperate.

[Anonymous]

I live close to my mother and it has been a living hell dealing with her decline and her lashing out at me. Distance may be a good thing if your mom ends up with angry and aggressive dementia. Hire a good geriatric social worker or case manager who can visit, assess her needs and recommend what services are needed. Make it clear you cannot fill in if people don't show.

There are services that will manage bills for a fee of course.

If your mom is the type to lash out, guilt trip, and/manipulate I would suggest getting a therapist as well to help you stand by your boundaries. You have to put your health, your kids and your spouse before her and that is very hard to do.

Also, not surprised she seems almost normal when she visits. My mom was a raging beast to me and confused and addled, but could turn it on when my brother and sister who lived out of town visited. I think contrary to what people say, there is an early stage where they can still use every brain cell to act like they are fine. My friend had this every time she had someone evaluate her mom. Her mom would literally fall apart and be a mess the second the evaluation was over and the clinician was gone.

[Anonymous]

Oh and just to make you feel better, my sister is useless. My brother is no longer with us (he passed away). Also, my sister gaslights me and then when mom finally shows her dark side to my sister, my sister blames me and says it's because mom is hurt I don't do more. So basically my sibling has added more stress to my life and has simultaneously manipulated our mom-long story. Lots of dysfunction. So, don't assume if you had a sibling and lived in the same country/town this would be easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and just to make you feel better, my sister is useless. My brother is no longer with us (he passed away). Also, my sister gaslights me and then when mom finally shows her dark side to my sister, my sister blames me and says it's because mom is hurt I don't do more. So basically my sibling has added more stress to my life and has simultaneously manipulated our mom-long story. Lots of dysfunction. So, don't assume if you had a sibling and lived in the same country/town this would be easier.

OMG, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have a sister too, who lives only 30 minutes from my mother but she only sees her 2 hours per week and that’s it. She already said she won’t take on any work (despite no kids and easy job, and short distance), so I didn’t even mention her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and just to make you feel better, my sister is useless. My brother is no longer with us (he passed away). Also, my sister gaslights me and then when mom finally shows her dark side to my sister, my sister blames me and says it's because mom is hurt I don't do more. So basically my sibling has added more stress to my life and has simultaneously manipulated our mom-long story. Lots of dysfunction. So, don't assume if you had a sibling and lived in the same country/town this would be easier.

OMG, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have a sister too, who lives only 30 minutes from my mother but she only sees her 2 hours per week and that’s it. She already said she won’t take on any work (despite no kids and easy job, and short distance), so I didn’t even mention her.

How is your mom in terms of temperament right now? If she is challenging, I don't blame your sister for having boundaries. Two hours a week is kind of her to be honest and just because she is single doesn't mean she doesn't have a life of her own. If your mom is challenging then be prepared to pay caregivers more and give more tips. Also be open to medication. It is very important to make sure the person isn't abusive to anyone and meds can help with quality of life. Do you have friends in the area where your mom is who might know the best aging care resources for you to contact? Is your mom open to things like continued care retirement facilities?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk with your sister and figure out what to do together

[Anonymous]

1) in the beginning they can do this thing called “show timing”. Where they can hold it together around some people. This is how they often “pass” the cognitive tests. Only way I got my mom’s diagnosis is I showed them video of her behavior.

2) OP—what’s the medical system like where your mom is? Would being put into AL or MC be covered? Does she have a strong social network, a church, or other family there?
If AL or MC is covered, I would move her into a facility as soon as you can. While she still has some ability to learn things.
Then try to work it out with your company to work remote one week a month and go visit her.

3) make sure you have all the legal documents that you need to be able to manage her affairs from here. Make sure you are on all her accounts as long as it doesn’t make you libel for her debts. Meet with an elder attorney there to make sure everything is done correctly.

[Anonymous]

Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

I can’t. I would definitely, but I only have a green card here. That doesn’t allow me to sponsor her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

There is probably a period of time (5 years?) that would have to pass as a legal resident before the mother is eligible for these government programs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

We do not have enough facilities in this country to care for our own elderly citizens who have paid into our Medicaid system their entire working lives. Been waiting for 9 years to get subsidized housing for an elderly means-tested and eligible relative but there are zero vouchers available. All housing vouchers are prioritized for those who have minor children, including those who are non-citizens. If we (family) did not pay out-of-pocket for the elderly relative's housing costs they would be on the street. Relative did live in their car for almost six months before we found out their condition. If you open your eyes you will see many of them doing this. Go to any Walmart parking lot and you will see people 60+ living in their cars. They do not have substance abuse problems, they are merely the former working poor who can no longer work.

I'm not anti-immigrant but when it comes to resources, I do believe we have an obligation to care for our own first. It is a travesty that elderly Americans are living in their vehicles when all housing vouchers are being taken by younger people because they have minor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

I can’t. I would definitely, but I only have a green card here. That doesn’t allow me to sponsor her.

What country in Europe? I know elderly Americans who need housing, medical care, etc. and can't get it here. Maybe they would like to relocate to Europe because they sure as hell aren't being taken care of here. If Europeans would "definitely" like to bring their elderly here why not the reverse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

We do not have enough facilities in this country to care for our own elderly citizens who have paid into our Medicaid system their entire working lives. Been waiting for 9 years to get subsidized housing for an elderly means-tested and eligible relative but there are zero vouchers available. All housing vouchers are prioritized for those who have minor children, including those who are non-citizens. If we (family) did not pay out-of-pocket for the elderly relative's housing costs they would be on the street. Relative did live in their car for almost six months before we found out their condition. If you open your eyes you will see many of them doing this. Go to any Walmart parking lot and you will see people 60+ living in their cars. They do not have substance abuse problems, they are merely the former working poor who can no longer work.

I'm not anti-immigrant but when it comes to resources, I do believe we have an obligation to care for our own first. It is a travesty that elderly Americans are living in their vehicles when all housing vouchers are being taken by younger people because they have minor children.

+1000

Could not agree with you more. Top PP’s post is very troubling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her here (apply for her green card via family reunification). She will be her own household, meaning she has no income and she will qualify for means tested benefits.
Most blue states have low income medical insurance if some sort. She will get food stamps. She may even get subsidized housing.
California where my brother plans to bring our dad is just paradise for it. Not sure how things are in other states: NY is also great I heard.
Another option is for you to have guardianship over her and hire a helper where she lives. The main thing is to prevent her from being scammed out of her money.

We do not have enough facilities in this country to care for our own elderly citizens who have paid into our Medicaid system their entire working lives. Been waiting for 9 years to get subsidized housing for an elderly means-tested and eligible relative but there are zero vouchers available. All housing vouchers are prioritized for those who have minor children, including those who are non-citizens. If we (family) did not pay out-of-pocket for the elderly relative's housing costs they would be on the street. Relative did live in their car for almost six months before we found out their condition. If you open your eyes you will see many of them doing this. Go to any Walmart parking lot and you will see people 60+ living in their cars. They do not have substance abuse problems, they are merely the former working poor who can no longer work.

I'm not anti-immigrant but when it comes to resources, I do believe we have an obligation to care for our own first. It is a travesty that elderly Americans are living in their vehicles when all housing vouchers are being taken by younger people because they have minor children.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk with your sister and figure out what to do together

I think before OP does this she needs to change her attitude. OP, you have an air of entitlement. You are more special because you aren't in the area and you have a more important job/family while she is just "single" lives closer and has an easy job. You say she "only" visits 2 hours a week. I think you need to look into what you pay for a caring professional to visit 2 hours a week and assess things and even just be a "friend" to your mom. You need to be way more appreciative of your sister and less arrogant about her life circumstances, otherwise there will be zero partnership. When you see the person often those 2 hours can be a lot more challenging than the 2 hours you experience visiting from abroad or even the many days you experience because you are the special guest.